Why does my sister want to live in the past

My sister is 9 years older than me. She's in her 60s now and me in my 50s. Since I was in my 20s pretty near every conversation we had ended up going back to how dysfunctional and abusive our home life was. This was very hard on me. I was trying to get help at the time and get over it. When I asked her to stop, she got very angry and kicked me out of her house. And the walks down memory lane continued. When I was 40 I asked her again to stop and she got angry again and didn't speak to me for a year. We met up again at my mother's deathbed. After mom died she continued to bring up the past.

Why would someone want to keep talking about the past all the time? It was upsetting and triggering for me and she didn't seem to care. She would also say things to me that would bring me down and make me feel shame and guilt for not having a bad life like hers (she was a single mom). I realize now she was emotionally and psychologically abusive, but why do you think someone would want to keep talking about a horrible childhood all the time and blaming that for all their problems?

To be honest it makes total sense that she wants to talk about something that was traumatising. I think it would be better to explain that you can't cope with hearing about it, rather than asking why she keeps walking down memory lane. The past isn't as far away as we think and as someone who lived it with her you are one of the few or only people who know and understand what she experienced.

Chances are her problems do begin in childhood. She needs to deal with them now by going to therapy. She can't just get over it. It sounds like she was looking for some solidarity.

PS I don't mean to sound dismissive. Nobody in my family talks about anything and I hate being alone with it so my view is coloured by that.

Of course all this is a result of her childhood, I was there and believe me she filled in the blanks. I'm in therapy and know you just don't get over it.

I'm just saying it felt abusive. I know what solidarity feels like and this wasn't it. You would not believe how traumatizing it was to hear her endless tirades and dismissing my experience like it was insignificant. I wasn't equipped to be her shoulder to cry on and asking her to stop was a way to protect myself.

I've suggested therapy many times, but she refuses saying she doesn't have time. She's retired, her kids are gone, and she still has no time; there's always an excuse. I love her, she needs help big time, but she's been abusive to me in other ways too so I don't speak to her at all now.

my mom does that been doing that as long as we can remember. she is still stuck in memory lane, the past, blames her own children for it. she didn't make her life any better at all and really has nothing interesting to talk about

That's what I'm talking about ladytiger. She rarely talks about anything else, at least when she's talking to me. I can understand someone wanting to share their troubles now and then and get support like we do on PC, which is the appropriate venue for that, but she seems to revel in dredging up the past.

One thing I learned in therapy is that you can't blame your childhood on every misfortune. Sometimes we have to take some responsibility for things or at least recognize that life sucks sometimes even if our childhood was stellar. She'd never go on a forum like this. She will never get therapy. She doesn't do emotions and is pretty shut down in that regard which I understand is because of her abuse. Anyhow, she's going to have to find another emotional punching bag because I'm done.

But what my post is all about is why would someone want to do this and literally freak out when someone asks them nicely to stop? What pleasure can they get from it?

I think the answer is simple;; when the trauma is too much, you feel the need to keep talking about it to see if you can "fix" it. Of course you can't. I have something that happened to me 10 years ago; I don't talk about it a lot, but it still affects me. ....I even did a website because of it. I understand.

It isn't that they don't WANT to stop talking about it and it certainly is NOT pleasureable....they NEED to talk about it; that is the only way they can try and make sense of something so terrible....kind of like an obsession.

Thanks nicoleflynn. It does seem very obsessive and I guess always directed at me because I would listen. But why wouldn't she want to get help? Why wouldn't she not even go to a MH discussion group, or be on a forum? And why did she have to belittle my experience of the abuse and get angry and jealous if I expressed a positive outlook? She would say hurtful things to me to bring me down when I was feeling good. I just don't get it. She's so miserable and her martyr stance only makes her life worse because she alienates people with it.

Could she be addicted to her angry? Is that even possible?

I think with your opposite feelings and reactions you are not likely to understand where she is coming from? She's probably wondering why you are not more "supportive" of her and her need to talk about it. I'm not saying you are "wrong" or how you are dealing with your past or sister is not what you should be doing, just that you would probably "argue" with any response your sister might give (and she's the only one who can) as to why she does/says what she does/says.

You freak out when she talks, she freaks out when you ask her to stop. You respond differently, that's all. If you do not enjoy being around your sister, interacting with her, do it as little as possible. She's your sister, you may love her but you don't have to like her. If you want to like her, be "friends" and get to know her, you have to meet her where she is, not where you want her to be.

I was supportive and I listened and I listened. For 40 years I listened. And I'm sensitive enough to not argue with her if she were able to open up and tell me why she had to behave this way. And I didn't "freak out" like you said, I became depressed. She was the one who never listened to me. Whenever I tried to share my story, she dismissed it. It was all about her. She would also say hurtful things and be angry when I tried to suggest therapy or had a positive attitude. I don't have to get to know her, she's told me about as much as she's going to tell me about herself. And I've met her where she is and forgave her and forgave her for her disregard for my feelings. I kept listening to her because I felt guilty that I would be abandoning her. The whole relationship was unhealthy and dragged me down.

Anyhow, there's so much more I could share but what's the point. She's abusive. I won't be speaking with her anymore. I love her but unless she goes into intense therapy, there can be no relationship.

I'm sorry, I didn't show you much understanding with my other post. I hadn't got my head out of my own stuff and I apologise.

Your sister sounds stuck. She wants to acknowledge her pain but she won't get help for it - instead she is using you as a crutch and ignoring the fact that it's not safe for you. I'm sorry she dismissed your story.

Unfortunately it sounds like you will have to limit contact until she goes to therapy. It sounds like she isn't willing to take responsibility for her pain. What I mean is: if someone kicks you in the leg, they are responsible for kicking you but it's your leg and your job to make sure you look after it properly.

I'm sorry she is lashing out at you. Sadly it sounds like she is very much caught up in herself.

Thanks tinyrabbit. Your reply is very validating. This thread was starting to trigger me, like "here we go again, no one listening to my side."

I know for a fact she will never get therapy. I think she expects everyone around her to change to accommodate her. I completely understand she is the way she is because of the abuse, but for my own sanity I'm not having any contact with her now.

I've mentioned her in other threads, which tells me it's really bothering me a lot. I wrote an angry letter to her, which I'm going to read to my T on Monday. He knows how badly she can trigger me.

What I want from her she will never be able to give. I now have to mourn the loss of a sister I never had.

I don't know if I will be of any help here, but I would like to share my view. I apologize because I'm going to talk about me and my story to try and show you my view, please know I'm not in anyway trying to take away from your story.

I also want to thank you for listening to your sister even if it bothers you. I wonder if the two of you couldn't work something out where she can only talk for so many minutes at a time about the past so that it is not too overwhelming for you?

I am your sister. I don't know if I am as obsessive as you have said she is and I don't know if the age difference makes a difference (I'm in my 20s). I have siblings. When I was 17, I started to open up to people online about what abuse I was going threw. I had never told anyone before that, well except a judge when I was 15 but he didn't listen (that's another story). When I was 19, a lady I knew from online threatened me that she was going to tell my family about the abuse if I didn't, so I told my family. I was told I was just looking for attention. Nobody believed me. I really wanted to have that bond with my siblings where we could talk about it. My one sibling, who happens to be the one I am closest with, would admit that both of our parents had issues but he didn't want to talk about anything because it would just cause issues instead we should just suck it up and move on. My other sibling and I never got a long and we were just starting to build a relationship. She was in denial and said there was no way Dad could have done those things. I don't know why I picked her, but for some reason when I would be around her, I'd always bring up the abuse. It always caused arguments, some pretty nasty ones. I continued this for a few years, before I actually saw that my wanting to talk about it was destroying the relationship we were trying to build. Now, I try to avoid talking to her about it, but now she is starting to admit some of the things that happened. I'm sorry for my book, but I wanted you to kind of see what happened with me.
Why do/did I want to talk with my siblings about it? There are a few reasons I can think of:
1. I needed to get it out and at the time I didn't have a T. I couldn't afford one and I had had a bad experience with one and wasn't sure I wanted to go back (I do have an awesome T now, started with her about 3 months ago).
2. I didn't want to be alone. In my situation, I don't know everything my siblings went through and they are both much older than me, so I can't remember what happened to them if anything. I had hoped that maybe they could understand and maybe they could even tell me I was remembering something wrong and tell me what really happened. I just didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to hear that they went through the same crap as me either because it was horrible for me. Now, I would really like to be able to talk with my sister about the sexual abuse and I'd like to know if it happened to her. I can't though and it hurts me very much.
3. I kind of hit the third reason already, that is the want for help in remembering how things happened.
I just want someone who understands and who knows what I'm talking about and siblings are the only ones who know exactly what you're talking about.
My T has even told me to talk to my siblings more about what happened because it is part of the healing process.
Again, my situation is not your situation, and I'm only in my 20s so I probably don't know what I'm talking about. I just thought I'd try. Good luck.

Celtic

One more quick thing..... I hear you and I respect your side. It has to be very difficult for you to always hear about the past. Like I suggest in my other reply, maybe you could find a way that you are both getting what you need. Whether it be she only gets to share one memory each time, having a specific amount of time she can talk about the past, or you both agreeing to something like when you are at her house she can talk about the past but when you are in public or at your house she needs to be mindful and try to keep the past at bay?

I'm so sorry you felt unheard.

It strikes me that the fundamental issue isn't what she says specifically or why she says it but her lack of empathy, understanding and respect for your boundaries.

It really sucks that what you and your sister need from each other are pretty much total opposites. She isn't being respectful of your needs at all, which is wrong of her. I can also see how your responses to her trigger and upset her (even if they're totally reasonable responses for you to make when your needs are ignored!). She needs/wants an unconditional wall to talk to.... and likely, when you put the positive spin on things (good for you!) it might trigger her and come off as you trying to brush things off.

I'd totally be cutting off a lot of contact too. When you do have to spend time with her, I'd stick with just going "Yes, it sucks. What happened was horrible, and our lives were hard. But right now I want it to be less hard and just want to enjoy what we're doing together, and if we can't enjoy our present then I am going to leave."

My ex-therapist said that about not blaming your childhood. i told her I disagree because who's fault is it if you let your kids be endangered or killed? There has to be some accountability on the parents/relatives side and if you made your kids' lives hell, then it's the parents fault especially when you are a minor and nobody isn't helping the child. I just disagree, but that's just me.

My mom complaining about the past, it is over and done with still complaining about my dad and his nasty *****s yet isn't willing to do anything about it. She says i am moving, says that every year been saying it since 96. she was suppose to get a divorce in 97 when i was 11 and had to take my dad back so i can "have a dad" and "have my future college education paid" since she didn't wanna be a single mom and really she didn't wanna go find a job!!

She is still stuck at 67 years old with absolutely nothing. everyday or any time she and dad get into it, it goes back into the past! who cares it means absolutely nothing to us not like we got any money out of this mess! so, didn't benefit us at all. she would call my sister long ago complaining about the same crap, stuff she did/said when she was younger, etc. my mom gets enrage when you don't care always dangling invisible money that we haven't seen yet. my dad still comes and goes while he pleases (the one with the assets from hi ex-employer) and mom screams at about how nobody helps her (she cursed/talked about everybody including her own "children") gee wonder why nobody wants to help her plus she lies on everybody.

she claims she got it under control yet still isn't divorced, being on her own (never lived on her own prior to meeting my dad), and enjoys being miserable. my mom well both parents don't believe in therapy as my mom said it's the white man trying to get into our biz and as blacks we can figure out our problems. really? how come i see a child either dead, prison, or in foster care? how is that solving our own problems when you can't seem to talk to your own damn kids about your childhoods! everybody is tired of hearing the same old drama yet there's no real action on her fault. she told me why should i give up what's rightfully mine? i've been married to your father for 46 years of marriage and i am entitled to his assets. i am content because i still get money from him (she gotta fight about it while he'd rather give it to his illegal wife), insurance, a roof over my head, etc. wow, funny how most people don't think that isn't a bad parenting i am appalled when i hear that!

my brother told me mom screwed that up long ago she is on her own as all of us agreed she is on her own with her so called divorce.

Just wanted to say that I'm unable to have any contact or connection with my siblings either, and how sorry I am that you are also having to feel that kind of loss ...

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; I think it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Knowledge is power!
xoxo

It's sounds to me you were looking for answers and trying make sense of your abuse. Nothing wrong with that. If your sibs are older, that would make sense because they were there before you. I'm sorry they can't help you. Sometimes sexual abuse happens to only one child, usually the most vulnerable. This may be what's happened to you. If your sibs won't talk there's no way of knowing. My sister didn't want answers, though, she wanted to dump. She's understandably bitter about the abuse, but she took advantage of my empathy. I felt guilty if I didn't "hear her out" even when she didn't hear me.

Don't say you don't know what you're talking about. You sound like an intelligent and intuitive young woman. I love talking to younger people, they seem so much more insightful sometimes. Believe me, age doesn't always make you smarter.

That is horrible parenting. I totally agree. It sounds like you're in the middle of a dysfunctional confusing mess. Your mom is incredibly angry and stuck, and it sounds like she's also scared out of her wits and wants to be taken care of by everybody, even her kids. And as for the therapy thing, these types like your mom and my sister will find any reason to not go into therapy. They feel their anger and misery is justified and that the world owes them something. I guess when your mom's marriage went sour, her bubble was burst and she never got over it and now everyone has to pay for her unhappiness.

I was really into blaming my childhood for all my troubles not too long ago. I was even starting to be miserable and angry like my sister. The problem with blaming this one thing totally is that you get stuck like your mom and my sister. I'm definitely not saying our childhood abuse didn't f**k us up. My childhood IS responsible for my ptsd, that's a given. I just want to now recognize that while I did the best I could my whole life with a mental illness, I made some bad choices and I made some good. And I can't attribute ALL my bad choices to my child abuse. For me, to blame the abuse for all my problems, is like giving these a**holes way too much power. To stop blaming means you rise above it and get well. Blaming keeps you stuck and unwilling to heal. It's sort of like, if I heal I can't blame anymore because I'm better. That's how I see it anyway. I also want them to be punished for abusing me, but that will never happen and I have to accept that.

I don't want to discount your feelings. You have every right to be angry. Dysfunctional and abusive parenting destroys lives. But I thing to heal we have to rise above it. I'm still trying to maneuver my way around this concept too. It's not always easy.

Sadly, we never do things together. Most of our contact over the years has been by phone. She has very thick walls. Even now that she has a car and she has no kids at home, she can't find time to be with me.

I have a little speech prepared if she starts ranting again.

"I understand mom and dad and the boys abused you and I'm sorry you were treated that way, but if you need to talk about these things it would be better for you to talk to a counselor. It's part of my therapy to put the past behind me and move forward. I want to heal and enjoy what's left of my life."

How does that sound?

Perfect!

Empowerment & Boundaries!

Good Job!

It's best we don't talk about the past at all. She's so bitter and angry and it all triggers me way too much, especially now that I'm having bad memories coming up. She's going to have to find a counselor or someone else to vent to.

Also, this goes back to something happening in her childhood before her own marriage. My old friends and my sister's friends have all said something really happen for your mom to be acting the way she is. she acts like she was molested by her dad and all of that screaming she does always mad at something (even if it is petty) is contributing to that or other factors. interesting, mom and her siblings don't even talk about their dad. mom had issues with her mom same mistreatment that we get from her she took that from her own and dumb as she is doesn't realize it nor care.

something happen in NC (where she's from), some woman severely screwed her over and blames/calls her daughters *****s just because dad screws around with nasty sluts out there that is contributing to us being *****s. that is what my ex-therapist also suggested i told her what do we have anything to do with dad screwing around with other women? we couldn't step outside to enjoy the weather, eat some fruit, etc without being called a ***** or going out prostituting ourselves. maybe at certain places i go to with my boyfriend probably have this feeling that if i sit outside the restaurant i may be whoring myself!

i knew my mom has this everybody owes me mentality, but what i didn't know this also goes back to her childhood is what my uncle told me. he don't speak to my mom anymore after that blow up 3 yrs ago about their mom, my grandma, after he got upset telling my mom (who is the first born) that she dont work at all, he and their other sibling do, taking care of their mom is a full time job, etc and my mom proceeded to hung up on him. may be my uncle should've been the first born since my mom doesn't want responsibilities and wants to remain a child! like i told my ex-therapist how can anybody say that's my mom or dad when they are still children themselves?

so yea, she expects her children to take care of her but never wanted to take care of us. i never knew she told my sister on the phone one time that she will move into my brother's house and kick his wife out as it will just be him and my mom - a ridiculous incestrous love for him!! i thought he agreed that mom can come live with him then my sister questioned him about it his wife said hell no and he just laugh. his wife said hell no, she isn't coming here (yet his wife was the one with her tongue in my mom's ***)!!

now, about my mom being afraid. we have been saying that for years yet it's funny how my grandma taught her to never take a back seat to anybody yet my mom has been taking a back seat to everybody for years and her lack of determination proves it. the problem is jim crow, the lies from that generation on marriage, everybody else's fault, etc. she patterns herself after oprah, magic johnson, steve harvey, etc when she has zero accomplishments.

we know she is afraid to leave and scared of dad. if she wasn't so scared, she would have left a long time ago, went to college, find organizations that help women in those miserable marriages, etc she screamed at everybody about those organizations that they will put her on welfare. one shelter i remember she called in 97 told her she couldn't have a lawyer as one would be appointed for her (she had a lawyer back then), no contact with her son (my brother), and be ready to go on welfare. now, what kind of shelter is that?!? the reason why she wouldn't go is because she would have to help clean up and take responsibility. one woman's shelter my sister found was like an apartment as everybody had their own privacy, but my mom didn't like that. my mom expects to move into your house, eat your food that you buy, sleep all day, ruin your furniture like she ruins all furniture that we've had, turn your tv up loud when she pleases, dirties up your house makes you clean it (she dirtied it up she should clean it), makes you clean her mess in your own house, etc and if that isn't a leech/mooch i don't know what is!

a lot of married women and ex-therapist got highly offended because i said she is a mooch/leech i said she is and they told me she doesn't have to do anything because she is the mom and married. i told them since when does a marriage contract means i will get married so i don't have to do anything? that's not what the contract of marriage means; my mom was desperate for a man and my dad was seeking a mommy figure. go read what a marriage contract is and what a marriage entails if people knew what it entails, there wouldn't be a lot of divorces. if your marriage contract entails i am gonna marry him, spend his money, have him take care of me, etc sorry that isn't a real physical or emotional marriage just bound by a piece of paper from the vital records department!! any married woman (man) is like that is just a pure leech/mooch not really benefiting anything from the "marriage."

my mom says i am not scared of your father then why are you still in the marriage? seriously, she flip flops like a child saying she is gonna leave when the time is right (when will that be?) and why should i leave when i am content with having assets his money and having insurance with a roof over my head? like i told people especially women, what kind of woman is that i am suppose to look up? some role model/hero! everybody keeps asking if you are not scared why are you still there? i've had some people she has no self esteem which i agree but did laugh because my mom said she has great self esteem and pride because she didn't come from a whorish generation like my sister and i and others did while her generation came from a generation of savers - what savers? she is still broke and stuck! my mom said she isn't abused by my dad, oh really? before i was born, he socked her in the eye twice cops came the first time never arrested dad as mom dropped the charges and the cop gave her a look like this is a waste of police time. she got popped in the eye for talking **** about his mom, a mother he hated yet protected her didn't make sense to me.

then at 8 yrs old, he was upset about something grabbed mom's shirt, jerked her twice and shoved her into the microwave called the cops and had him arrested yet still stayed with him. i'm sorry, what kind of role model is that? like i told my ex-therapist you stayed with him and you want respect from people? that is just a lousy woman who has zero sense and yea she got upset so did a lot of women i've spoken too. when sister was 16, dad hit her and they fought she had him in a corner with a screw driver mom saves him as always. that was before i was born. however, we have all heard her say she wants to divorce him ever since we were 10 years old, i guess 10 is the magic number!

so, mom says she isn't being abused. everyday he calls her names how is that not being abused? her face is hilarious sitting there like a dumbass when he says those things that would make most people wanna fly over there and ring their freakin necks off!! not her, she claims she ignores it and then starts yelling at him then that isn't ignoring it. she asked my grandma for some money, then sent it back after she screamed at dad to help her apply for her social security. mom told me how my dad was gonna leave us stranded that he was gonna hightail it back to CA, gee, makes sense to get a lawyer and bring everything that you copied to them etc. that's why she got social security from his assets not hers (dont have enough credits) which is $765/mo and everybody has said there is no way in hell she can survive with that income on her own without dad which is why she is content with her miserable living situations.

she's irate that nobody in the "family" won't send her over a grand for her so called divorce, finding a place, and furniture (why she won't clean at all anyway). she's still irate with my sister who wouldn't come to AZ to help her my sister sent me the info to my old email addy and mom *****ed about not knowing how to navigate on a computer and didn't like the information - that was the same info my sister used with her 1st marriage when she was divorcing her hubby. told my sister she needs to come to AZ to help her pack and go to the court she said i gave you the info and you didn't wanna help me when i needed it and that blew up badly on the phone. all of her info was right there in my old email addy still blames her for not coming here doing all the work because my sister knows computers and mom doesn't!!

so yea, you still see that my mom is still stuck and keeps bringing up the same crap nobody cares to listen to then speaks ill of you for not caring! she has almost 30k in the bank not like that would sustain her in a new place. like we said a lot, if you are so content stop bugging us about your problems we don't care. like i told people in the past this is the hero i am suppose to look up to? she hated it when i went out to seek for someone else who is a better example than her! scared of her wits, she calls herself an independent, strong woman. i told her independent women/men take care of themselves without begging other people to do it for them and she cursed me out! everybody said she doesn't have a pot to piss in nor a leg to stand on and she screamed when i and my boyfriend told her that we were like the most evilest people ever lmao!

i'm planning my escape route so i don't have to hear this crap anymore. it's difficult when i am working part time and gonna have to find another job. yep, we are still paying for their mess and lack of happiness.