[AmateurEverything!]

My husband has recently recalled some instances of inappropriate touching and sexual behavior from his mom when he was young. Victory for me that I have convinced him to go to counseling - yay! And major plus, he really likes the therapist so double bonus.

He has always hated his mother. She just repulses him. I played nice with her when we were first married and also when our children were born. She is blatantly obsessed with her oldest son, my husbands brother. Adores him in a very weird way. When his brother moved out at the age of 30 she cried uncontrollably and slept on his bed. He moved a mile away.

I remember one of my MIL & I's very first bonding times, a shopping trip, she had invariably moved the conversation to her oldest son. And she told me "You know, they say you're supposed to love your children the same, but there's just always been something about him." And I'm like, um, okay. No, that's not weird at all…

My husband had told me early on of an incident involving his mom while he was in the bathtub. He was around 12 years old. I didn't know what to make of it so I just said yeah that's not normal. Well, I really never put it together, and it honestly may not have anything to do with it, but my husband has no sex drive. You know how men complain about their wives not being sexually interested, well that's the story of my married life.

Recently, some stress at work caused him to have a bit of a breakdown. He started having panic attacks, showed some classic signs of depression, and it worried me enough to seek a T referral from a friend. He was open to it, which thrilled me. But the night before his first appt, we sat outside and had a few beers, and he started stressing about what kinds of things this T would ask him about. And then he had what I can only assume is a flashback, because he just looked me right in the eye and said "do you think he's going to ask me about all the times my mother made me wash her breasts over and over in the bathtub?" And then he was kind of stunned. He said he'd never remembered that before. That was a difficult night. I tried to help as best I could, but I am not a T. I felt horrible for him.

So anyhoo, he's been to 3 appts with his T. They're kind of dipping their toes in as far as his family goes, but most importantly, he's stopped with the panic attacks and I see much improvement on his depression.

I just have so many questions! I really feel a horrible sense of dread about what he will discover through therapy. I think his mind has blocked some things out, hopefully not, but I just don't see this ending well. However, I know that he will remember things as he needs to, and we'll deal with them as best we can. We don't see his mother at all. Since our children are teenagers, they contact her about once a month and she will come pick them up and take them for the day. She doesn't even get out of the car to come to the door, and I've heard gossip that she thinks I've poisoned him against her. Which I couldn't care less about, I just know he's happy he doesn't have to see her.

Another question I have is, does anyone feel he should ever let her know what he remembers? I'm sure they will discuss it in therapy, but I'm curious.

Also, is it weird for her to have inappropriate incidents with the non-preferred child? I used to hear her tell stories, with an almost disdain in her voice, about how my husband was so charming when he was a young boy. That he would smile & flirt with all of her lady friends when they came over. And meanwhile, her preferred son was socially awkward and wouldn't speak to anyone. So she had to hear others always comment about how my husband was so adorable and sweet and charming, which I think just burned her beyond belief. Does it seem rational that she would abuse the non-preferred son? I don't get it.

Well, that was fun (not). But really, helpful to type it all out. He's such a great guy, a really awesome dad and a good husband who tries his hardest. I just wish I could do more to help him. I constantly fight the urge to get into the car and drive over to his mothers house and give her a good come to Jesus talk, but I know that would definitely not help the situation. If you made it to the end, thank you! You deserve an award!

[SkyWhite]

Another question I have is, does anyone feel he should ever let her know what he remembers? I'm sure they will discuss it in therapy, but I'm curious.

The first thing I want to say is your husband is a very, very lucky man to have such a caring and attentive wife. He's going to need your patience and support while he processes and remembers his sexual abuse. It's very good he's willing to enter therapy. Some men prefer to suffer in silence.

As far as telling his mom goes, it's not something I would do. If he tells her she would probably just deny it, call him crazy, and likely blame it all on you. That's a scene that wouldn't be conducive to proper healing from trauma. But no matter what your H decides to do, continue to support him. It can be a rough ride sometimes. You could also keep posting here for your own support and maybe, when he's ready, your H can get things off his chest here as well.

Hugs to you both.

[Silent_Tears_17]

Hi. Before I reply I just want to note that I am coming from a completely different (and possibly unhelpful) position. I am a 19yr. old female and the abuse from my parents was mostly verbal/emotional and never sexual.
I am finding as I get older I remember more things that I have repressed, but these are usual about sexual assaults which are again, not linked to my parents. I am not a huge fan of remembering them, but my brain seems to know what it can handle and what it cannot. And so it does a decent job of protecting itself.
As for whether he should tell her, that is a completely person-by-person decision. Sky is probably right about her reaction. However, if it will make your H feel better to get it all off his chest and let it out and express himself then he absolutely should. If it will just make him feel worse and he doesn't ever want to deal with her, the he shouldn't. His T will be a lot of help in making the decision and the decision may also change with time.

I know you have a lot of questions, and although we don't have all the answers, we can definitely give you some ideas based on our own experiences. I hope this might help.

[AmateurEverything!]

Thank you both for your input, I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry for all you have been through : (