[SkyWhite]

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I've been coming to grips with the fact that I was sexually molested as a child on top of being severely physically and emotionally abused by my parents. I dissociate and get headaches when I even think about it but I want to post this to see if anyone else has felt this way.

Since dealing with the realization of CSA, I've not only felt horrible but also relieved. It's like I now have the answer to why I'm so messed up, why my life was one s--t storm after another, why I was the most screwed up in my family. The sense of relief comes in waves just like the dread and emotional flashbacks and headaches.

I haven't "remembered" anything yet but I get fuzzy images sometimes and dreams. My T has suggested I go to the sexual abuse counseling center for help because sex abuse is not his area of expertise. I think it's a good idea for down the road, but I'm so not ready for that now. I have to first learn how not to get badly triggered and dissociative when I talk about it. I also want to be assured that I can still see my current T if I go there.

Anyhow, in spite of basically being re-traumatized by all this, I have the feeling of relief, like a weight has been lifted.

[bluekoi]

SkyWhite, I was sexually abused as a child. I use to get migraines, but never understood why. I understand what you are going through. Take your time and go to counselling when you feel ready.

[Silent_Tears_17]

Coming to terms sucks. I don't get headaches but I do get stomach aches and I too suffer from the dreams and memories of the "after effects" of CSA. But I don't remember anything from the original incident (if there even was one). The multiple CSA from my childhood and teenage years that followed I do remember.
And I remember most of the verbal and emotional abuse. Ironically, I still have been struggling to figure out why I am so messed up. Why, if I had such an amazing family and good, safe childhood I turned out like this.
I go back and forth - like you said - in waves.
Some days I look in the mirror and I can see everything bad that happened, know that everything wasn't perfect, but that I got through it. And now I just need to start working through the emotional bits.
Some days I look in the mirror and wonder why the hell I would be such an emotional wreck and burden on my family. Why I would sabotage so many opportunities. And why - when nothing ever even happened to me - that I would feel the need to "reach out for help" and "seek attention" and stupid things that I just wanted to fulfill whatever twisted idea I wanted.
A lot of days I avoid the mirror all together and toil with the thoughts all day long instead of doing my work or homework or anything productive like the laundry I really should be doing right now.
As for the dissociating, Im not sure if I really do that. I seem to remember everything (good or bad) in third person. I see things that happened but more as if I was a floating orb and not me because I can see me. I can see the whole scene. And of course, that's not what it looked like because Im not a floating orb. Sometimes talking about the abuse I need to start in third person as well. I don't know if these things count.
I don't have the answers. And I don't have any amazing words of wisdom. I just hope you know you are not alone here.

[SeekerOfLife]

(((((Skywhite)))))

[Bluegrey]

((SkyWhite))

I've fairly recently started coming to terms with a sexual assault that happened when I was about 8. At the time I was upset but didn't really understand what happened. It came back to mind a few months ago and I have begun to realise more about what happened - and can see ways it has affected me over the years. I can understand what you mean about a sense of relief - it is a relief when things fall into place. But it's also very frightening and I'm finding it tends to dominate my thoughts a lot.

I don't remember much about the event itself, though I have never been unaware of its having happened. Like you I have had some odd dreams and am not sure what to make of them. It makes me feel sickened now that I realise what happened to me.

Dissociation - I think I've been doing this a lot over the years, without knowing it. There have been lots of times when I was switched off, not responding to other people or lost inside my head. I don't know if it's a reaction to the assault or to how I grew up.

At the moment I'm seeing a psychotherapist for interpersonal therapy, following some really difficult events with a group of people I thought were friends, which stirred up a lot of stuff from the past including difficult times with my alcoholic mother. I finally managed to mention the assault to the t this week and he said I could go for different therapy for that if I thought it would be be better for me. I don't know which way to go. I've pushed this away from me ever since it happened but it's really bothering me now. I don't know if it would be better to delve into it and get it over with or to push it away again. So I don't have any answers for you, SkyWhite, but I can understand your situation at least to some extent.

Sorry, I have rambled on a lot - not sure how useful it will be. I hope you find some relief and the right way forward, SkyWhite.


Bluegrey