[Sibelius5]

Hello all,

I've posted here once before about social anxiety. Creeping back in to try to become part of this community. I have an issue that I'd like help with, but I also hope to start a conversation and see some other perspectives on this.

About PTSD - I received lots of verbal and a little bit of physical abuse as a childhood. I definitely didn't have it the worst. This isn't severe PTSD we're talking about. But lately, in therapy and outside I've been working on remembering, understanding and accepting the things that happened to me as a child. My psychiatrist practices Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, and past experiences are key to this.

I'm very up for acknowledging that my dad took out his rage on me because I was small and helpless, or my mother was emotionally absent because of her anxiety and overwhelming work/home responsibilities, that kind of thing, but the problem is that I'm not an innocent victim here. I started bullying my younger brother when I was a toddler, insulting him, picking fights, and such. I made fun of "uncool" kids in middle school to fit in with my peers. I toyed with someone's heart in high school. I lied to teachers in 5th grade. Maybe those seem like minor things, but the bullying of my brother was huge. Hundreds of fights. I was really able to keep up this image of myself as a golden boy, a do-gooder, valedictorian type. It wasn't real.

So I feel like it's too late to play the victim card, so to speak. I certainly believe that I was born good and deserving of love, but I seem to have voided that goodness.

Anyway, I kind of get that this is a distortion, but I don't know how to reconcile it in my head. I'm sure others have the experience of taking out their trauma on others. They say that most abusers were themselves once abused. (Which is not to assume that anyone on this forum is an abuser!) In short, how do you forgive yourself? Or should you forgive yourself at all?

[bluekoi]

Sibelius5, Have you been able to talk with and apologize to your brother for bullying him? If you have done this, and are sincere, I feel you have the right to forgive yourself. You cannot change the past, but the future is what you make it. I have learned to treat others like I want to be treated. You are a good person and you deserve to be loved.

[Sibelius5]

I have not. At this point, my relationship with him, although not close, is fine. He seems very happy. I've thought of apologizing, but it seems daunting. If anything, I could send him a message or letter, but doing it face to face would be overwhelming. I don't know if he even cares anymore. I suppose there's only one way to find out though.

[ShamefulGuilt]

My T also is working with me using IFS. I am identifying my managers, exiles, and firefighters. I won't go into my family too much other than to say, I recognize now that I was abused because I was the one who wouldn't fight back, I kept secrets, and no matter how hurt I was or how much I was being hurt, I still kept it together to take care of other members of the family. Even after the SA ended in the family dynamic, I still accept abuse and actually seek it out and it's that very thing right there that makes me feel sick and ashamed and guilty. It makes me feel like I not only asked for what happened to me as a child, but I welcomed it and in some sick twisted way, I am re-enacting it. So, I never took out my abuse on anyone but myself, but I feel that I am deserving of my self abuse so I don't feel bad for hurting myself.

[RainbowG]

Sibelius5, I really appreciate that you've brought up this topic. I think it's something we all struggle with on some level (that is, those of us who are willing to be very honest with ourselves).

Don't forget that as a child and young adult, you didn't know how to relate to others except through what you observed in your family. You couldn't know. Your parents programmed dysfunctional ways of dealing with low self-esteem, stress, etc., into your brain, literally. Research on brain development shows that the brain learns from the environment, and in abusive environments, it learns destructive things.

I don't think we should blame ourselves for hurtful behavior as children or even as young adults because it was before we knew what was going on and could change it. Changing the program, so to speak, within the brain takes a lot of time and effort and can only be done with full awareness of the process, so you were "innocent" in the sense of not being able to do that in your youth.

It's difficult to know how to handle relationships with siblings under these circumstances. I think a lot has to do with the sort of relationship you have with your brother. I went no-contact with my sister for 10 years, and when we reconnected, it was an emotional situation, so as part of it, I apologized for letting her down in the past. It fit the situation. If you apologize and it comes out of the blue for him then that could actually make him feel uncomfortable (clearly not a desirable outcome).

[bluekoi]

Sibelius5, If you decide you want to pursue this, please discuss it with your therapist. You want this to be a positive experience for yourself and your brother.

Originally Posted by Sibelius5

I have not. At this point, my relationship with him, although not close, is fine. He seems very happy. I've thought of apologizing, but it seems daunting. If anything, I could send him a message or letter, but doing it face to face would be overwhelming. I don't know if he even cares anymore. I suppose there's only one way to find out though.

[Quarter life]

As you have said, you have a relationship with your brother. Atoning for the way you treated him when you were children can only strengthen this relationship. You were both kids at that time...but your parents were adults, there is a big difference.