[dalila]

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I have been really struggling with some ugly flashbacks again. I seem either in a rage against the abusers or in tears from the memories –fear and pain. I have tried writing but not getting anywhere, fast and I want to get past this; fast.

I just want to bash her head in I want to rip her hair out. I want the body memories to fade away – my tummy hurts and my ibs is acting up something awful. I hate her and I hate myself. There was no way to avoid it and I don’t know how to get past this. I don’t want to punish myself for it. It was not my fault, but I hate that my body responded and now pleasure and pain and shame are all mixed together in me.

I have come too far to give up but this is a mountain I don’t want to climb, a tunnel too deep and slimy to traverse. The depression is bad. There is an awful blizzard here right now, my spice is stuck in the city, and I am home alone. I dunno maybe I just need to cry for a while.

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[sabby]

((((( dalila )))))

Hold on tight....You are so worth the effort you put in to yourself.

*Gentle Hugs*
J

[Calm]

Wishing you weren't in this painful place right now. I hope you'll find some way to give yourself some comfort while dealing with all of it.
Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it.

[mtd]

dalila,

I understand what you are going through and I know how painful and confusing it is. When I feel like this, I have to remember to breath real slowly, hold myself tight, and allow myself to grieve over what I have lost and what I am living through. You can make it through this. I promise it can get better as you take your life back one little bit at a time.

be well,

mtd

[dalila]

<font color="green"> Not to be whining, but I had worked through this more than once already. I suppose I didn't really get down to the rage but why do I have to go through the pyschial pain, the ache again? I know what happened. I am not trying to deny it or minimize it, I am just trying to get past it and get on with life.

I get really scared during these flashbacks cos I keep seeing a flash of my maternal grandfather. I dunno if I could take finding that he abused me too. I just want to deal with what I do know and find a way to be done with this.

Thank you all for your responses it is a lot easier to do this when I know I am heard and believed. Thank you. </font>