[Lady Lindsey]

I was cleaning the stall and loaded the wheel barrow way too full and then all of sudden to left of me I hear "You f****** idiot you know your going to dump that wheelbarrow! Don't you even know how to load a damn wheeblarrow?" I look to my side and no one was there....all of a sudden i realized he was back! I smiled and I said thank you, welcome back! He said "Don't get use to it we're just here help you through this because you are too much of a wimp to do this by yourself"! I just smiled! Then my other voice on the right side said "You can do this we know you can do it. We know it's hard but you can do this!" Then my main voice said "We never left and we never will. We will be here when you need us. That is why you created us. We are here to help in your time of need. Remember you may think were gone but we are not. If were silent it is because you have chosen to cope without us. Just know it is always your choice if you need us. When you are ready we will be silent again, but for now you need us and we are here until you have the strength again."

Maladaptive or not. They are back and all of a sudden I have hope!

Originally Posted by Lady Lindsey

I was cleaning the stall and loaded the wheel barrow way too full and then all of sudden to left of me I hear "You f****** idiot you know your going to dump that wheelbarrow! Don't you even know how to load a damn wheeblarrow?" I look to my side and no one was there....all of a sudden i realized he was back! I smiled and I said thank you, welcome back! He said "Don't get use to it we're just here help you through this because you are too much of a wimp to do this by yourself"! I just smiled! Then my other voice on the right side said "You can do this we know you can do it. We know it's hard but you can do this!" Then my main voice said "We never left and we never will. We will be here when you need us. That is why you created us. We are here to help in your time of need. Remember you may think were gone but we are not. If were silent it is because you have chosen to cope without us. Just know it is always your choice if you need us. When you are ready we will be silent again, but for now you need us and we are here until you have the strength again."

Maladaptive or not. They are back and all of a sudden I have hope!

Hello Lady Lindsey: I am tempted to write, as I do occasionally, my response is my signature quote below...

Coping mechanisms aren't always bad. Some can be physically damaging. Some can be emotionally damaging. But sometimes they can be a port in the storm as well. From what you've written, it sounds as though you're viewing the return of these voices as, perhaps, a safe harbor. And when a storm is raging, a safe harbor is the best place to be, assuming that the harbor really is safe & not, perhaps, a disguise for another impending storm.

So, my thought would be to accept your voices with compassion & allow them to provide you with safe harbor. But be vigilant as well, lest they turn out to be the leading edge of another storm.

[Lady Lindsey]

Skeezyks

Thank you for your words of caution, I appreciate your honesty.

Right now I am going to take them as a safe harbor in a horrific storm.
They have never harmed me or tried to cause me to do something hurtful to myself or others. I know they sound very maladaptive, but for me they were my only way to cope without harming myself as a child.

They allowed me to cope and when I was younger allowed me to "check out" during unspeakable times. I guess my T said they were my form of dissociation without actually creating seperate personalities. For the longest time I thought everyone had voices and when people said they had self talk that was what they were talking about.

I know they are not real. I know that I created them. But I have struggled with their loss for the past 4 months. Yes by them being silent I have been able to do trauma work with my T more effectively, however over the past month, my life has become overwhelming.

My mother attempted suicide again, I found out I have a 40% chance of going blind in the next 6 months (due to an accident I was in), I am in chronic pain daily from the accident, I am headed home for a visit, that is necessary and will be somewhat unpleasant and a few other things best not mentioned.

Yes, they are maladaptive. But they have kept me "safe" and alive through the unthinkable. If they keep my from self harm, from starving myself, and they help me function at work until I can pull myself back together, then I am thankful they are back. Does it mean I use them to dissociate, absolutely.... but in my own creative way. They allow me to sleep, but yet my main voice lets me know the highlights of what I have missed, without all the emotion being attached. The whole story, then goes in a desk (yes in my mind) that gets safely locked in a desk drawer, until I can pull it out and deal with it. Yes, very maladaptive, but at this point a coping skill that allows me to live my life without all the emotional pain I will be facing over the next few months.

Right now I am headed for a terrible storm in the next few months. So right now I welcome them back.
I will take your caution and appreciate your advice.
Thank you again

I am so sorry for all of your pain, Lady Lindsey. I will hold a good thought for you...

[SeekerOfLife]

Lindsey, hang in there. Just focus on getting through this valley.

[Bluegrey]

I don't think dissociation is necessarily a bad thing, Lady Lindsey. As you say, this is a coping mechanism for you and as long as you recognise it as such it's a useful thing. And if you can put it aside when you need to work with your t then it's not as if you're being controlled by the voices - you are controlling them.

I'm so glad that you have a bit of relief - you sounded so desperate earlier.


Bluegrey