[Angelina24]

I've been seeing my current T for about 3 months now. He knows quite a bit about the emotional and psychological abuse/incest I grew up with but one thing we haven't talked much about is that during my 20s, I engaged in a lot of compulsive sexual behavior to numb the pain of all the past abuse. That sexual acting out came up in session last week and I shared a little with him. I have written out what I would like to share with him tomorrow and thought it might be helpful to share it here before I actually hand him what I've written or read it out loud. I've tried not to be too graphic. Here it is what I've written to read to T...

"You asked last week if any of my sexual encounters had ever ended in rape and the truth is that one did. At least by definition I think it did. A guy I had been seeing was at my apartment and we were moving toward sex. At one point during the evening, he indicated that he wanted a**l sex. I said no. Apparently "no" is open to interpretation. We were doing other consensual things with the understanding that a**l sex was not an option. Until he grabbed me from behind and forcefully penetrated me anally. The pain was so intense that I screamed and there was blood all over the sheets. I felt angry and violated. He laughed and went off to make himself a drink while I laid there and cried. When he came back in the bedroom, I was still laying there crying. He laughed again, made fun of me while he got dressed, and then left. This feels a lot like my experience with my mother, who took whatever she wanted from me, no matter how much it hurt or how much damage she did. Maybe she didn't touch me but she raped my soul until I collapsed. She took everything I had to give and left me to die in a pool of broken, empty feelings. The most intimate parts of me stolen by others who didn't care how I might feel. Maybe that's why I'm so guarded (T has commented on this several times). Every part of my being feels like it has been raped and torn and exposed and what I do now is my meager attempt to hold together what's left of myself."

Being reminded of that incident with that guy brought up a lot of the emotions I have about feeling emotionally "raped" by my mother. I don't mean to be dramatic in using that word, that's just what my childhood and adolescence feels like to me. I'm mostly nervous about T's reaction and how exposed and vulnerable I will feel sharing this with him.

Thoughts? How have you handled sharing particularly sensitive information with T? Do you explain first that it is something really difficult or just dive right in?

[Bluegrey]

(((Angelina)))

I don't really know what to advise, as i am still working through this too. But from my experience so far I think that having written it down, as you have here, will be helpful. I think your T will realise that it's really difficult for you to disclose this.


Bluegrey

[Lanie2830]

Angelina,
I completely understand how you are feeling. I have been seeing my T for a year now and I still can't share details of my abuse. When I try to speak no words will come out of my mouth. I was very frustrated after a session because I couldn't say what I wanted to and I felt like not being able to say it outloud was holding back my recovery. So I wrote it down and mailed it to my T. Just dropping it into the mailbox was a freeing experience. Good luck!

[mimsies]

I saw my T for 7 months before I finally did more than hint at what the trauma was that I was seeking therapy for. Even then, I sent it to her via text message with the comment that I didn't want her to call e to talk about it. We very briefly touched on it over the next couple of weeks, then I would change the subject. Since then, I have told her more, as specific incidents from THE EVENT, which we have talked about separately... and then only because I was so triggered.

I think a good T will not push you, and will help you as you struggle through telling him. My T always lets me know that I should not be surprised if I have an increase in anxiety or PTSD symptoms after I disclose something to her.

I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you. Thank you for sharing.