[jjishere]

Hi:
It's hard to start. So I will start with the subject of my father's abuse.

My father has been abusive to me all my life. I don't see him much because of this. But, now he is very sick and so I email him and try to call. His wife (not my mom) gives me a hard time every time. When I call, she says he is busy. He is retired! He gets on phone, she listens in, laughs in background, comments etc. so I stopped calling him.

Then I sent emails .. he never gets them. I called today to ask again and he says he never gets my emails. I know that she is deleting them. I don't say anything to that. I figure there is no way to talk to him. Why would I want to? Because he is close to death.

So, today,, again, he makes me feel like a garage. I call, talk to her and ask if I can talk to him. I tell him "did you get this email, the card I sent, the prayer I sent and he tells me I must be sending to wrong place. No way. Same email for 20 years. I know she deletes. Very controlling. Both of them.

So, I finally say ... or I start to say .. if this is the last time I ever get to talk to you (and he interrupts me and tells me I am threatening him). I say I am not ... (what I am trying to do is be kind and say some kind last words). I don't get the chance. He insists I am threatening him. I say I didn't get a chance to finish my sentence and that I am trying to tell you that I don't get through to you ... it is hard by phone and my emails don't get through ... and he says YOU HAVE THIS CAPACITY TO TURN EVERYTHING TO EVIL. What???? I am not evil.

He abused me when I lived at home and it was really hard to forgive. It was physical, emotional and verbal and I feared him. He even used the belt.

Im trying to get closure with this man and there is no way. I finally said "goodbye" because he said "Do you want ME to stop" ... meaning him to stop calling me????

Then I lost it and told him HE is the evil one and he is an abuser and he screams out to his wife (not my Mom) "am I an abuser". So I hang up and again, I feel like what is wrong with me. I was trying to do right by him.

He has said mean things to me in my adult life like you are "damaged goods" and other stuff.

I don't even know why I, again, feel so bad that I am sitting here crying and feeling like a failure. From when I was a young child, he always made me feel badly about myself. He criticized my Mom all the time (and she is a wonderful mother) and I was scared to death of the times he would hit me, sometimes using a belt. He made fun of me when other kids did, he would repeat the names they called me and he would laugh.

I know everyone is thinking why not just cut him off? Because he is near death (a couple years .. a year ... he is very very old. He is not senile so I know he knows that he is saying to me. It is like he is the enemy of his own daughter.Why am I the one who ended up attacked and feeling so unloved and like garbage again today? It must be me. I ask for this by even calling him.

Later on, he sent an email saying "I found two emails from you and I will respond in future to what is necessary and in a short way". So, bamb! He does it again! He is telling ME that he is going to have limited contact with me.
Oh, I get it. I said things he does not want to hear so he is going to limit contact.

I don't want his love. I know he is very limited. I know he has hurt others too. He and stepmom have lost most of their friends and both brothers don't like them but put up with the crap. They have said stuff to others that is nasty. They are quite the pair.

All I wanted was closure so I would not feel guilty when he dies. I wanted my last words to be nice ones from my side of it. I never got to say it because he acted up again. The ending here is not what I wanted. I wanted to say "I saw the good in you, also" or something like that. Now my chance is over. I guess I could send a letter by registred mail as he would have to sign for it? Is there any way to stop her from deleting his mail? He is so computer illiterate, I think he believes the emails don't get to him. Or else, now he is deleting them all.

Too confused here and wondering why I am confused. I should not be confused. I should not feel like it is my fault. The problem is I always stand up to the abuse. Unlike my brothers who allow it and let it go because he is old. He is not demented. He has full faculties.

Sorry for posting so much and so long. When abuse is happening to me ... in the moment ... I get confused. Later on, I see it. Can anyone relate to that "in the moment" confusion and inability to see that you are being abused until AFTER it happens. To think that it is YOU and not them? To feel badly and wonder what you did wrong?

Thanks and sorry for the too long post.

[Living Dead Guy]

Don't feel guilty you did your best, personally I wouldn't bother sending anything. Some people will never change and he sounds like one. See his final words to you as what they are, yet another sign of being in control. He couldn't let you hang up on him, he needed to be the one to end everything.

If you need closure there are two options I can suggest the first is to write a letter then burn it. The other is to attend his funeral. I know those are not the most pleasant options but they are the ones that won't leave you a victim yet again.

[jjishere]

Originally Posted by Living Dead Guy

Don't feel guilty you did your best, personally I wouldn't bother sending anything. Some people will never change and he sounds like one. See his final words to you as what they are, yet another sign of being in control. He couldn't let you hang up on him, he needed to be the one to end everything.

If you need closure there are two options I can suggest the first is to write a letter then burn it. The other is to attend his funeral. I know those are not the most pleasant options but they are the ones that won't leave you a victim yet again.

You are right. He couldn't let me hang up ... he had to have his final say in his email. Exactly. No not pleasant options at all. There isn't going to be a service and the burial is too far away. I can't go due to agoraphobia. Anyway no closure once they are gone. It just sucks.

thanks for responding. I appreciate it

[Can't Stop Crying]

sorry this is happening....don't really have any words...just know I am listening

[*PeaceLily*]

I can totally relate to the 'in the moment' thing. My dad said to me on the phone a little while ago that 'if you don't watch it, I wont speak to you forever.' I didnt fully realise how outrageous that was until later on, and I only felt the outrageousness (errr....is that a word??lol,) of it until after I posted the thread about what has happened to me on here the other day. So yeah, I get you.I think it's because it feels like a verbal punch. It shocks the system. Also, one word that came to mind when I read what you wrote was 'bamboozling.' It sounds confusing to even read it...not because you expained it poorly.You explained things very well, but simply because everything in this situation is confusing.The reason it's confusing is because nothing makes sense.

Your stepmother sounds awful tbh. I don't like to call people 'awful' but that's what I felt reading it.

Before you posted on my thread, I had read this thread, and was going to post on it basically to say that your dad and this situation gives me a similar vibe to my parents. I have apologised to them for hanging up on them or getting angry at them, but when my dad has hung up on me it's 'due to poor reception' and I dont get an apology.He also says similar 'showy' 'dramatic' stuff.Frankly, he doesnt sound like he has earned the right to tell you anything about how you act, let alone that 'you turn things to evil.' I am so sorry you got hit with a belt.My dad would threaten the belt, but I never actually got hit with it.

Are you sure you dont want his love? Do we ever stop wanting our parents love even if they can't or won't give it? Is it possible you are trying to avoid the process of 'complicated grief.' Its basically common in people who were abused by their parents.Maybe google it if you havent heard of it.I dont think it will be especially triggering for you. I can relate to a lot of what you have written, and the feeling guilty,and that you have done something wrong part.Have you come accross the concept of narcissistic abuse/narcissistic family dynamics?

One similar thing that I had was a feeling that if I got an apology from my mother, I could get closure.I now know that not only is that probably never going to happen in the way I need to hear and feel it, it won't make any difference. What has happened between you and him, and what he did to you as a child is so deep, that my intuition is that any kind words said by you in his last moments to him may not give you the peace of mind you are seeking,

[nicoleflynn]

People who abuse project their ugliness on others. Period, end. They hate themselves and want YOU to be as miserable as THEY are. xo

[Elijah K]

Leave him, just leave him, you're better without him. you dont owe him anything and trust me anything nice that you want to say to him, he will not understand it. he doesnt deserve your attention so just focus on your life. i have an abusive father so i can completely relate.

[jjishere]

Thank you all for your replies. They never change is something to keep remembering. He had the last word with me by cutting ME off via an email. I view him as pathetic.

My reaching out in the past was my attempt to get closure. I think I had done that enough.

[Skywoulf]

only thing I can add is this IF you were to talk to him by phone one more time, while he is ranting and raving you just go ahead and speak your piece even though he might be yelling over top of you.

at least this way YOU know the last thing you said to him was not evil or bad, but nice. even while he is doing whatever it is he is doing on the phone, you know your last words with him were words of peace and forgiveness. he will hear it weather he knows it or not and you will feel more at peace with the whole situation.

[mimsies]

Check out the book Toxic Parents, it has some good ways of looking at abusive parents and getting closure and healing without the cooperation of said abusive parents.

You are strong and beautiful. He doesn't deserve to have you.