[ThisWayOut]

Ok, so given my choice of TV programming to stream through Netflix, it's probably higher than most, but still...
I've been dealing with new "memories" of some csa in the last 2 weeks. Today, since I finally felt able to pay attention to TV again, I decided to continue with my Criminal Minds series catch-up. Both the episodes I saw were dealing with csa and molestation. Then my mom came out to the living room, so I switched (she hates those kinds of shows) to House. The first episode I put on talked about csa...
I didn't really end up paying attention (got me all lost in thought, though not too triggered, which is good I guess) to any of the episodes dealing with csa, but I felt so self-conscious with my mom right there. It felt as if she would see these episodes and just know that is what has been bugging me lately. Luckily, she's either oblivious or "too polite" to say anything, but I was mortified. I was afraid my fears were plainly written on my face, or that a huge neon sign popped up over my head.
I haven't told anyone in real life about any of this except my t because I am not sure it's accurate (though it presents the same way as other flashbacks do). I don't want to falsely blame anyone... but oh my gosh I wanted to melt into the couch...

Does anyone else ever feel like the world knows just what you are going through? Not that they can understand it necessarily, but that there's somethign about you that points to this horrific defect, and they will look at you differently for it?

[Josieanna]

I find it difficult to recall what happened to me whilst in the same room as my T. I'm convinced they will be able to "see" what I see by my reactions. I still can't say the words but they are closer to the surface than they have ever been. I remember when I was about 15 sitting and watching a film with my parents in the same room and the film became sexual in nature...I went cold, I was shaking and I was convinced if either of them had so much as glanced in my direction they would have known. I don't watch television anymore. My children love the tv, but I struggle to sit through anything. Mainly because I can't predict what will happen next. I can sit in a room while a tv is on and completely tune it out. Self preservation and all that. I have however felt bombarded lately with news stories. Every time I go onto online news it's filled with stories that set me on edge. I can't join in on conversations at work about them because I fear my reaction to them give me away. I'm glad people can't see my thoughts. I wouldn't wish this on anybody