[Ballerina365]

This is my story, I wont make it out to be anything it's not, I don't play on my feelings and I'm not here for people to tell me that I'm strong, I'm not, I'm barely holding together the pieces some days. So why am I here? A little clarification is all I want, I guess.

When I was 13 years old my mother met a man, within a few weeks he was part of our family, (from the age of 7 I stopped seeing my own father, all I ever wanted was a father who loved me), I accepted him and liked him, at first, every night he'd say "don't I get a good night kiss?" I felt uncomfortable, so I caved and gave in. Thought nothing of it, thought maybe he wanted to be a father figure, after all I wanted a dad who would love me, where my own father couldn't. I thought from there that things were okay, normal, my family didn't like him, (afterwards they said he was grooming me), he used to stare at me, tell me how beautiful I was, and again in all naivety I thought nothing of it.

Until one night...they'd just got engaged and everything was going to be perfect! We'd have a real family! Then a few days later the three of us were downstairs, my mom went up to bed, so five minutes later I said I was going, he told me to let her have five minutes on her own. So I sat back down (This made no sense looking back, we have seperate bedrooms). He took hold of my hands and kept saying things like "you know I love your mom don't you?" I said yes, of course. Then he asked for a goodnight kiss, so I kissed his cheek, he then asked for a longer one, I didn't understand but went to give him another kiss on the cheek, he turned his head but didn't quite catch me full on the lips. I was so confused that I just said I'm going to bed now. All he said was "you're not going to go upstairs telling this wrong are you?" I said no because I still didn't understand what was happening.

I went to bed and put on my pyjamas, trying to work out what he meant. I was busy sorting some washing when he came to my bedroom door, told me goodnight and then stood there. I said goodnight, then he reached out and started undoing my pyjama top, and I froze, I just frowned at him, stupid reaction.... Then the shock of him yanking down my top brought me to my senses and I turned away, I couldn't even say no.

He looked at me like I was just being a mardy child, then left. I started crying hysterically and threw myself on my bed.

My mom came in and said he'd just made a joke, said he came in the wrong room but it wasn't a mistake, I told her what happened and she asked me what I wanted her to do, that she'd chuck him out now if I wanted to.

All I could say was I've ruined everything! You were so happy! I've ruined your marriage! I was destroyed completely and utterly and I didn't know what to do, so in the end I said "it's fine". Those classic words that mean actually nothings fine.

Anyway she let him stay, she called me the next day to check I was okay and I said yes regardless. I avoided him the best I could from then on but I wasn't the same girl I used to be.

A little while later they got married! I stood at their wedding trying to look happy! He kept calling me over telling me to sit by him, to dance with his brother.

Then when I was 15 it all fell apart, on my birthday, with my friends in the house. My mom told him she'd made a mistake, she wanted him out. He came down and told me "Tell your friends to go to sleep it's your fault mine and your moms marriage is over!"
It got violent, he tried to kill my mom, there was shouting and screaming, my mom rang my uncle and he came to save us...except he was too late to save me.
I couldn't concentrate in classes. I then started being bullied at school and maybe I asked for it? Wore heavy make up, wrote depressing poetry, told myself I wanted to be nothing like those people who bullied me, maybe I actually just wanted someone to notice? Notice that it hurt so bad. Notice that the "scratches from my guinea pig" weren't what they seemed.

No one noticed, the school rang my mom and told her I was going to kill myself because some girls had been passing a note about me, I even got to read it! I told her that was stupid and that they didn't like me.

The schools solution was to swap my tutor group...wow! So didn't work. Instead in class I was harassed by people touching me! Feeling my bum, telling me I was beautiful, putting their arm round me and I just couldn't take it! I scraped through my GCSEs and though it killed me every time my Gran asked "Did he ever do anything to you?" I always said no.

Anyway I made it through high school, couldn't wait to leave! Did I mention the rumours? That I was the devil, a witch? That I used to eat children? Ridiculous rumours that haunted me while I pretended not to care, to laugh it off.

Fast forward to now. I have an amazing and very understanding partner. I took a big step in saying I needed help and have been referred to group therapy at a place that deals with sexual abuse.

But what I really want to know is "Was it sexual abuse?" He didn't rape me but he also did something I didn't want him to. I guess I'm just nervous that I'll tell my story and the people who have been through worse will somehow resent me? Or feel I'm not worthy in their group? It's hard to explain but am I justified in going? I want the help to put it behind me! I need to talk about it more with people who understand. I need to learn that it wasn't my fault.

[CANDC]

Welcome to PC. Thanks for sharing your story.

It sounds like that man was treating you very insensitively and inappropriately and it sounds like abusive behavior.

You have a lot of experiences that a therapist or support group could help you sort through.

You might also find solace and sharing at some of these other forums at PC

Post-traumatic Stress - Forums at Psych Central

Thank you for sharing your story. PC is where compassionate people come to share their stories and their progress

As my T told me Unwanted touch is abuse and he clearly crossed the line .
As for being frozen that is normal because your brain can't believe it's really happening and the fear paralyzes you . I had the same reaction

[mimsies]

Originally Posted by Ballerina365

...I guess I'm just nervous that I'll tell my story and the people who have been through worse will somehow resent me? Or feel I'm not worthy in their group? It's hard to explain but am I justified in going? I want the help to put it behind me! I need to talk about it more with people who understand. I need to learn that it wasn't my fault.

Hi. I am not sure how to say what I am thinking, but I am going to try.

As someone who has "been through" worse, as I read what you wrote, my heart ached for you. I felt so angry at that man. I wanted to just hug that little girl and protect her and once she was safe, to go smash in HIS teeth with a 2x4.

I can't guarantee that NO survivors might be dismissive of what you went through (not here in this forum I don't think, though), but if they do, just try to remember that their anger and resentment isn't about you. It is about the anger and hurt they are carrying around inside of themselves.

Yes, you were sexually abused. It definitely was NOT your fault.

I think your mom totally meant well. I also think that her leaving the decision up to you put too much responsibility on you, and helped lead you to feeling guilty. I don't mean this as a criticism. I do not believe she was trying to make it worse for you. I just think it didn't have the effect she intended.

Thanks for posting your story. Take care.

[*PeaceLily*]

Yes, that's seual abuse, and the ony reason it didn't go any further is probably because you were showing obvious resistance and also that it came to light. If you'd have 'gone along with it', ( hate that term but don't know another way to put it,) it's hard to believe it wouldnt have gone any further. Most people who initiate abuse take it as far as they can get away with. That has been my experience. I resisted when they went near my err private area when they were doing a 'game' and the game wasnt played again. I didn't know that it was a form of abuse unti really recently.

Love to you xxxx