[Lady Lindsey]

I am angry, I am angry at everything, angry at life, angry at everything that ever happened, how I handle my life, how I pretend everything is ok, how I can't seem to get anything right!
I am angry that I can't seem to explain to my therapist what I need
I am angry that I have allowed people to take advantage to me, because I don't speak ahead of myself
I am just angry!
I am angry I got Shot
I am angry that my husband won't get help so I am stuck in limbo.. he won't get help.. he is the one who shot me, but he refuses to get help so we are stuck..
I am angry about life
I am angry I am like this.. I am angry I can't deal with life without dissociating.
I am angry that I am weak
I am angry that I am not normal
I am angry that I can't seem to find a therapist that understands me
I am angry, so angry that I feel like I am going to explode..

I am angry that my parents didn't protect me
I am angry I had a mentally ill mom
I am angry that I didn't fit in when I was younger
I am angry, angry, angry.... I am so angry that I am not sure why I am angry.
I am angry that I hate myself
I am angry that I have to have voices in my head to help me cope.

I am angry I can't seem to get the help I need, because I can't seem to explain what I need.

Anger is not a feeling I feel and I am not sure what to do with it... I am so angry!!!

[cryingontheinside]

Hi lindsey.
It sounds like maybe your not very happy with your life right now.
Anger is a strong emotion and its hard to know what to do with it.
Unfortunately the past can not be changed but the present can.
It seems that you dont have any one you can talk to that understands or you dont have the words to explain.
Anger is not always a bad thing because now at least you recognise there are things in your life you are not happy with and anger can bring the passion to make changes and do something about it.
I would start by making a list. A list of present things in your life that make you unhappy. Not past events. They cant be changed.
Also think about what you would like in your future. What positive changes could you make to work towards that.
Could you make a list of small realistic goals to set yourself?
Try to surround yourself with positive people that make you feel good.
Do some things for your self just for you weather it be swimming, yoga, or a degree! Anything that will help you find your true self and what you really want or something to help you relax and say "this is me time, just for me and no body else.
I hope this advice is ok and doesnt add to the anger.
I feel that you are very unhappy and i hope things can improve but you need to be the one to make the changes no matter how big or small because we have no control over others actions but we can change how we respond to them.

[*PeaceLily*]

There are people out there who feel like you do. I am one of them. I really can relate to a lot of what you wrote

if your husband shot you ate you safe right now? That was my main immediate concern reading it

xxx

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Hi lindsey.
It sounds like maybe your not very happy with your life right now.
Anger is a strong emotion and its hard to know what to do with it.
Unfortunately the past can not be changed but the present can.
It seems that you dont have any one you can talk to that understands or you dont have the words to explain.
Anger is not always a bad thing because now at least you recognise there are things in your life you are not happy with and anger can bring the passion to make changes and do something about it.
I would start by making a list. A list of present things in your life that make you unhappy. Not past events. They cant be changed.
Also think about what you would like in your future. What positive changes could you make to work towards that.
Could you make a list of small realistic goals to set yourself?
Try to surround yourself with positive people that make you feel good.
Do some things for your self just for you weather it be swimming, yoga, or a degree! Anything that will help you find your true self and what you really want or something to help you relax and say "this is me time, just for me and no body else.
I hope this advice is ok and doesnt add to the anger.
I feel that you are very unhappy and i hope things can improve but you need to be the one to make the changes no matter how big or small because we have no control over others actions but we can change how we respond to them.

I have set goals.. I have tried to surround myself with positive people.. I have a barn and ride horses.. for me time.. I spent all day in the barn today, just to be by myself with my horses. I do all those things.... I try to meditate.. I read the self help books...

most people who "know" me think I am amazing and have an amazing strength, they have no clue how close I am to completely loosing it

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by *PeaceLily*

There are people out there who feel like you do. I am one of them. I really can relate to a lot of what you wrote

if your husband shot you ate you safe right now? That was my main immediate concern reading it

xxx

Thank you for your concern, I am safe it was a hunting accident and I was shot in the head.. he has never forgiven himself and won't get help... I am safe

[cryingontheinside]

It must be very frustrating when you are doing everything you can. Do you want to talk more about it?

[PianogirlPlays]

Oh , I share similar feelings and try in similar ways. As I sit here thinking about it , it occurred to me my lack of acceptance of the fact that life is so imperfect. I want it to be kind, childhood good, relationships warm and satisfying, my behavior in the good self control column and it is rarely any of those. There are moments so maybe it would help if I focused on them. Seems like there is something inside that wants it to be nice and the anger is railing against the reality of the weaknesses and failures. No solution when it isn't really going to be like that. Wow, back to that word acceptance again of imperfect flawed universally struggling people.

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by PianogirlPlays

Oh , I share similar feelings and try in similar ways. As I sit here thinking about it , it occurred to me my lack of acceptance of the fact that life is so imperfect. I want it to be kind, childhood good, relationships warm and satisfying, my behavior in the good self control column and it is rarely any of those. There are moments so maybe it would help if I focused on them. Seems like there is something inside that wants it to be nice and the anger is railing against the reality of the weaknesses and failures. No solution when it isn't really going to be like that. Wow, back to that word acceptance again of imperfect flawed universally struggling people.

I have tried Radical Acceptance, I am trying and trying and just when I think I get there it doesn't work... I meditate, I try and accept the feeling I try and try.... I just don't get it...
I listen to Tara Brach, I read the books, I try... but I just can't get there

[mimsies]

Ya know... One thing my T has really helped me with is to give me a safe place in which I can really experience my anger. She lets me just feel anger, and express that anger. She then acknowledges it, and doesn't judge, just lets me sit with it, and asks me questions about it. It really helps.

You have a lot to be angry about. Do you ever just allow yourself to feel it? Experience it? Not fight it? Throw things, cry, pound on pillows, say all the things out loud you want to say to the people who hurt you? (I mean say them out loud, but not actually TO the people, just with a T or trusted friend or by yourself).

I just find that so helpful, because I am always so mellow, easy going, and patient, but deep inside I have SO MUCH anger.

[cryingontheinside]

I hate it when i get angry too. I hope you feel better soon but keep talking to us if it helps. Thanks for your post on my thread too.

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by mimsies

Ya know... One thing my T has really helped me with is to give me a safe place in which I can really experience my anger. She lets me just feel anger, and express that anger. She then acknowledges it, and doesn't judge, just lets me sit with it, and asks me questions about it. It really helps.

You have a lot to be angry about. Do you ever just allow yourself to feel it? Experience it? Not fight it? Throw things, cry, pound on pillows, say all the things out loud you want to say to the people who hurt you? (I mean say them out loud, but not actually TO the people, just with a T or trusted friend or by yourself).

I just find that so helpful, because I am always so mellow, easy going, and patient, but deep inside I have SO MUCH anger.

I don't feel comfortable expressing my anger around my T... I have never worried about a T discharging me... of course I have only seen three, one was a nut job, who about made me more of a nut job than I already am... and the 2nd was a year of undoing the damage the first T... Then I never went back to a T because I didnt' trust them.

Then I got Shot and needed to go back... it took me a year to trust her and she undid all that trust in one night..... I don't think I am going back to her or any T ever again.... I just am Angry and mostly Angry at my T right now

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

I hate it when i get angry too. I hope you feel better soon but keep talking to us if it helps. Thanks for your post on my thread too.

Thank you both for the support, I know a lot of people stay away from trigger posts... I really thought this T would help me.... I hate her for making me think I could trust her... and then making it so I can't trust her... I hate having trust issues...but with my history, trust is a big issue and she knows it.

I hate that I opened myself up to trust..... if a T can't trust me, how can I trust her?

[Lady Lindsey]

Now I think she is going to discharge me, so I just might as well not go back... ... but I won't go back to any T ever again, and I was just making problems.... I really am not sure I hate her or just the way I hate the way she made me feel... I think that is what it is, I really don't hate anyone, except the ones who messed me up when I was a kid...

[cryingontheinside]

Hi lindsey. What happened with your t? Do you think you could get a new one if this one isnt working out?

[*PeaceLily*]

Why do you think your therapist is going to discharge you? I would reccomend maybe asking her what she plans to do before not going back.Remember that transference is a massive thing in therapy- basically it's where we put what we feel toward significant others onto our therapists. For example, what has happened to me has always been minimised, I havent been able to talk about it, people have told me to just get over it, and I have felt people have been indifferent to it. i'm not sure its a cocincidence that I am so sensitive to my therapist doing these things, and that i think she is doing these things. Sometimes what we feel toward our therapists can be a good indictaor to what we feel toward people who have played or play a huge role in our life eg family. Of course there are also crap therapists. Mine probably isnt the best.

I you were shot in the head, that does qualify as somehting that could trigger post traumatic stress as it was a potentially fatal incident I don't know if you have looked at it from that possibe angle or not?

xxx

[Lady Lindsey]

Crying on the inside and peacelily..... I don't normally have issues with abandonment.. but about 3 months ago, she said she wasn't sure she was the right one to see me... that she didn't think I was making the progress I needed to. I told her it took me a long time to trust her... we finally started making progress.... we actually worked on one significant trauma.. I did what she asked, I did my homework, I told her how I felt.. .then we had to take a break... I told her how traumatic a series of flashbacks I had were.. and that I had thought about running off into a tree.... but I wouldnt' do it... it was just a thought... I have my son to live for, even if he is grown, it would devastate him, so just because I thought it.. I didn't do it.... well now that I am in the place in the workbook were I am suppose to find someone I trust to talk to about this... and I emailed her and asked if I could trust her... she over analyzed the email.. all I wanted to know is before I told my story (like the workbook said).. I needed to know that I could trust her not to get me halfway through the work and then give up on me.... what I went through, like most here is why I am a mess... getting shot just triggered a whole lot of stuff that was there... and It was life threatening, I almost lost my life, I lost part of my hearing and now my eyesight is being threatened... I am frightened and scared and I finally thought I found someone I could trust to get me through it... I was wrong... just plain wrong.

[cryingontheinside]

If shes going to be letting you down maybe shes not the best t for you?
Sorry that your having such a hard time

[Lady Lindsey]

I had another thread going under Psychotherapy.. about trust and T's and what I realized is they both were on the same issue... so after listening to the comments and advice on both that thread and this one, I decided that I would post the same comment on both threads... so here it is

My T is not a Psychiatrist, She is a LPC, MHSP, working on her Doctorate.

I personally have been thinking about all your advice and suggestions... not sure what I am going to do... I am still very angry with her... anger is not an emotion I normally feel, so for me to be this angry and remember it... it hurts... I guess that is good because, normally I dissociate the anger.....

So I have been trying to process why I am so angry at her... the trust.. or like one said the control? I don't know, Betrayal and vulnerability is where I am at this point.

Either tomorrow or Wednesday I am going to try and meditate on it, let the anger flow through me without judgment and try and investigate why I am this angry with her. Once I do that, I will write her a letter...

Then I have to make a decision (if she hasn't already made that decision for me). If I don't get a discharge letter from her this week, I think I will go back and see her Friday... (I have written lots of letters in my life and I carry them around in several shoe boxes.. never mailed one).... but this time, I am going to read it to her, and ask her not to say anything until I am done reading it to her (then if I am brave enough).... I will ask her to help me decide if she really doesn't think she can help me or I can trust her... then we need to decide that I am done. Not sure if I can do this... just depends on meditation and if I can learn to accept what feelings I am feeling.....
I will either cancel my appointment or I will try the letter.. not sure where I am at so far.
I did go and get my book, good thing I had it in a small laptop bag, and I don't throw very well... took me about 30 minutes wandering around in the woods but I found it.

If we continue, I will keep the book, if we decide to be done, then I will burn the book...

I can't do this again, and I won't... so I guess I have a lot of thought to put in this one... am I able to work through this issue? Is she able to work through this issue? Am I able to trust her again? Do I need her trust or is it just reassurance.... If she hasn't discharged me by Friday, and I haven't cancelled the appointment we will see.

Like I said, I can't and won't go through this again, I have spent 49 years pretending that my life is great while falling apart inside.... If I have done it for 49 years... I can do it for the next 30 or so years I have left.... It took being shot for me to go back.. I don't expect anything that drastic to ever happen again.... so it is not a threat it is just the way I feel..... lots of things to think on and meditate about this week

[cryingontheinside]

I really hope it goes well lindsey. I hope you find some peace. Im usually an inward person too but when it builds up too much you need some kind of an outlet. Sometimes after i have held in alot of emotion it buildd up to the point where i just cry and cry, then afterwards i feel alot better.

[SoggySketti]

I am so sorry you are struggling so much (hugs)

[Lady Lindsey]

I actually have been so upset that I ended up doing 3 anger guided meditations.... It was very interesting, accepting my anger and trying to discover why has surprised. For some reason I keep my anger in my back after doing a body scan as part of the meditations.
What I am discovering, is it is not abandonment that is causing the anger, when I really just let it be and look beneath it, it seems to be fear and betrayal.

I am going to try more of a forgiveness and understanding meditation tonight.

I even pulled some CBT work sheets off (I figure if I end up being alone on this journey with no T, that there are great CBT self help courses out there that I can use).

So after meditation tonight, I will work on some CBT exercises on anger and then maybe one on communication and conflict so if I go back to my T this Friday, I can be better able to truly communicate how I feel.... It will be interesting to see where the next few days lead me....

[cryingontheinside]

Wow that all sounds positive and proactive. I think i might copy you or at least find out more about meditation, i didnt know there were so many types, and cbt, it never occoured to me before that i could do it on my own while waiting for therapt. Do you find the ecercises on line or a book?

[Lady Lindsey]

online, let me see if I can find the links for

CBT Self Help - Step 1

7 Step CBT Self Help Course assistance - Guided self help

Interpersonal Effectiveness

Tara Brach..I really enjoy her guided meditations and talks on mindfulness... everything is free
Tara Brach - Audio - Guided Meditations

[Lady Lindsey]

So today was the day I went back to the therapist..... Yes, I actually went back.

After some advice, really reflecting and meditating, and then some advice from my friend along with some of the CBT exercise's I did. I realized that really I needed to go back, if for nothing more than closure.

I was assertive, not aggressive..... I asked her to let me express my feelings, explain the week and then her and I together could make the decision if she and I were the right fit as Therapist and Client.

She respected my request. I only had to ask her once to let me finish. Once we were done, she brought up the question of me wanting to be in control, and I looked at her and was amazed. I had brought a of notes and one of the things was that I wanted to talk to her about me feeling I was trying to control our therapy situations to avoid talking about what I didn't want to talk about..... trauma.... I found it Ironic, that even though I had written it down, I subconsciously missed it. So I discussed what I had written down about my feelings of me trying to control the situation...

Then I told her I obviously trusted her, that is why I came back. Because of this I trusted her judgment of if she thought we were not the right match.

She was very genuine and told me she half expected me not to come back tonight and I told her until Thursday, I wasn't sure I was coming back.

She told me that the choice and the decision for me to stay as her client was up to me. However, if we were going to do work it was up to me but I had to let go of the control.
I told her I would and asked her what she wanted to do. She said I hadn't built the coping skills to deal with the trauma work and once we got there, there was no going back... we needed to start from my childhood and work forward. and I needed to keep a steady pace. No matter how busy I got.

She felt that all the work in most of the book I had been working on was just me filling in lines, it was more than that, I needed to put thought behind it and then we could discuss it each week.... she didn't think it would take long, but there were certain sections that I refused to do, and I was going to need to do them, before we started the trauma work. I agreed that I would do that... so starting next week, I am going to try my hardest to stop fighting her, stop distracting and denying and actually try and learn some effective coping skills.. Such as trying not to starve myself or taking so many pills. Not sure If I can stop the not eating, but maybe I can add a salad or something.... I don't know for sure if that will be enough but at least it is a start.

So at this point it is up to me and the decision for her to discharge was a joint decision between the two of us and that it would not be her decision alone.

So I guess we start over in the book again, review my answers and try it again...

Maybe this is a fresh start.... but I feel better.... not great but better..... Like I said before, trust is very hard for me and someone said that Control may be part of the issue and you nailed it on the head....

Thanks for all the listening and support over the past week

[Lady Lindsey]

So today was the day I went back to the therapist..... Yes, I actually went back.

After some advice, really reflecting and meditating, and then some advice from my friend along with some of the CBT exercise's I did. I realized that really I needed to go back, if for nothing more than closure.

I was assertive, not aggressive..... I asked her to let me express my feelings, explain the week and then her and I together could make the decision if she and I were the right fit as Therapist and Client.

She respected my request. I only had to ask her once to let me finish. Once we were done, she brought up the question of me wanting to be in control, and I looked at her and was amazed. I had brought a of notes and one of the things was that I wanted to talk to her about me feeling I was trying to control our therapy situations to avoid talking about what I didn't want to talk about..... trauma.... I found it Ironic, that even though I had written it down, I subconsciously missed it. So I discussed what I had written down about my feelings of me trying to control the situation...

Then I told her I obviously trusted her, that is why I came back. Because of this I trusted her judgment of if she thought we were not the right match.

She was very genuine and told me she half expected me not to come back tonight and I told her until Thursday, I wasn't sure I was coming back.

She told me that the choice and the decision for me to stay as her client was up to me. However, if we were going to do work it was up to me but I had to let go of the control.
I told her I would and asked her what she wanted to do. She said I hadn't built the coping skills to deal with the trauma work and once we got there, there was no going back... we needed to start from my childhood and work forward. and I needed to keep a steady pace. No matter how busy I got.

She felt that all the work in most of the book I had been working on was just me filling in lines, it was more than that, I needed to put thought behind it and then we could discuss it each week.... she didn't think it would take long, but there were certain sections that I refused to do, and I was going to need to do them, before we started the trauma work. I agreed that I would do that... so starting next week, I am going to try my hardest to stop fighting her, stop distracting and denying and actually try and learn some effective coping skills.. Such as trying not to starve myself or taking so many pills. Not sure If I can stop the not eating, but maybe I can add a salad or something.... I don't know for sure if that will be enough but at least it is a start.

So at this point it is up to me and the decision for her to discharge was a joint decision between the two of us and that it would not be her decision alone.

So I guess we start over in the book again, review my answers and try it again...

Maybe this is a fresh start.... but I feel better.... not great but better..... Like I said before, trust is very hard for me and someone said that Control may be part of the issue and you nailed it on the head....

Thanks for all the listening and support over the past week

[cryingontheinside]

I am really glad you resolved things and thanks for the links. I hope things continue to go well and to flourish.