[HuskerLove]

My first relationship was in my junior year of high school. At the time, I was going through therapy for OCD. My first boyfriend helped me to grow and separate myself from my obsessive behaviors, but he did not care about me. Almost every time I would spend time with him, I would end up crying because I had such a hard time telling him what I was going through and I felt he wouldn't understand. He also enjoyed "alone time" a lot. I did not want to spend the entire day with him in his bedroom, but if I wanted to do anything else, he would get upset and go pout. At the time, I just wanted to make him happy and enjoy spending the time with him that I had. Eventually, I ended up sleeping with him and I thought that if I had a relationship with him, he could help me overcome all of my problems and that I was on the right track to healing. I kept the secret of sleeping with him to myself for many months. Eventually I told my therapist and I ended up breaking up with him. At the time, I was just ashamed of what I had done, because I always had wanted to wait for marriage. But now, looking back, I had no control in the relationship. And now, I am realizing that this first relationship had affected my second relationship and now as i think about a third relationship, I know that I need to work through my insecurities first. In my second relationship, my boyfriend was kind, respectful, and he appreciated my struggles. But when we were very intimate together, I could hardly kiss him or have him touch me in any way for a long amount of time. He knew my limits of where I stood when being intimate, but the feelings from my first relationship were making it hard to spend time with him. My second relationship ended up not working out, not because we didn't like each other, but for circumstantial reasons. I still care about this young man and hope to stay friends. And now, in my senior year of high school, I met this really nice young man at a youth group retreat.. we have been staying in touch and talking a lot and we have gotten to know each other over the months. But now, when I am thinking about starting a relationship, I realize I am completely scared and not ready. I want to talk to my therapist about these feelings, but I am embarrassed. When i think about what I have gone through, my emotions come rising up and I do not like crying in front of people. I hope I can work through this with my therapist, but I am not for sure where to start. If anyone has any advice on working through these uncomfortable feelings, I would appreciate. Thanks to anyone who reads my post!

[kaliope]

a trick somebody taught me about crying, or not crying I should say, is to say to yourself, now is not the time, when you feel the tears overwhelming you. then when you are alone later you can say, now is the time and let the tears fall. I have found this to be successful.

[HuskerLove]

That is very good advice. thank you. I have always found it easiest to show most emotion and cry in front of the person I was dating. And I wish I could put my guard down enough in the rest of my relationships. Even though I have gone through a lot of emotion through my past relationships, I keep all of that emotion to myself and wish it didn't have to be that way. I don't know how to open up enough... my mind goes blank or I just freeze up.