[*PeaceLily*]

What the hell??? Has this happened to any of you guys. I have never gone through a period of having sexual memories before. I have felt 'odd' about stuff before, but not thought about it any further.

Please could someone read this if they have the time.It may end up quite long, but I literally don't have anyone to talk to other than my therapist. I don't know anybody else even as a casual acquaintance,let alonee someone to tell this stuff to. I want to ask for help about my therapist and my difficulties in therapy and the fact that I'm now having these memories creeping in makes it all the more important to know how to address this.

I feel like I can't talk to my therapist. Because I was stuck living in a bad domestic abuse situation, (actually with my father,) for so many years always being told I had to stay there and told that I needed medication which gave me crazy side effects, I am now in a position of being 26 and havent had a life at all.I didnt even have a key to the home, and the side effects from the drugs were so bad, I couldnt even do food shopping most the time, and I couldnt cook food there. I only left the house once or twice a month. Because I have lived like that my whole life, my therapist wants my to establish social connection, and she says stuff like 'we can't do anything about the past'. I asked her if a worksheet might trigger me, and she said 'well it's hard with you because everything triggers you.'

I feel like because i can't put what happened into words well, she minimises what happened because I can't explain it. I have spent sooo many years in extreme isolation, some of which were spent in literally total isolation because I didnt go out whatsoever, my verbal communication skills are extremely poor, so conversations are very tough for me.Even though I can't express things verbally properly, I feel a compulsive need to talk about things like the side effects from the drugs, and my diappointment about escaping to a women's refuge and ending up back in the domestic situation i described. I graduated with great grades and had a lot of friends and a job, but because I went on the medication, I got stuck there, and never worked again, or went to university and shortly after I lost all my friends and couldnt leave the house at all. As a result, I havent worked in 8 years or ever had a proper relationship. She has said to me 'everyone has a past' and 'everyone has regrets.' I don't get it. I know some of it is my issues expressing what happened, but I still feel she thinks i'm some weak person who needs to get over it.

I talk about getting stuck in that house at 18 in therapy a lot, but i talk about it in a glazed detached way like I'm a trance almost. She has told me I talk about the past too much and need to work on my present. I have not long left that house though so it is very much my present! She has asked me what getting stuck there alone was like and what the side effects of the drugs were like. I said 'Insane.It was just completely mad' and she said it was best to use words like 'diificult' rather than 'insane' b because that would make me feel better about it but the truth is that I feel it was more than just difficult!! I just ended up agreeing with her.

I feel like she doesn't realise how bad it was.I feel like I don't even realise how bad it was. I am reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman,( which is excellent by the way,) and I have no doubt that I have a traumatic syndrome. I'm completely textbook, and yet my therapist rarely talks about my life in terms of trauma.

My therapist is literally the only person I know in the whole world. I am having memories and dreams of things from childhood that are sexual. I KNOW they are true. They weren't things I had completely forgotten- rather I had a vague memory and pieces have been filled in or the memory was extended a little longer to what happened next. I NEVER used to think that I had anything sexual whatsoever at all, but then again I never used to think I'd been raped, but apparently that wasnt true either. The absolute worst part is that I am having hints of receiving sexual pleasure from what happened. That honestly made me want to die when that came to mind. I havent felt self destructive for a little while, but I feel it coming on now. Sorry this has been so long, but I am literally so alone , and I can't really mention it to my therapist because she has said she just wants to work on increasing my quality of life at the moment. Also, it seems very obvious that she doesnt think I have been through much, and maybe I haven't been through much, but I feel like I have! The intrustive memores about all of it are killing me

Has anyone else been in the same boat as this regarding memories of childhoo sexual stuff? I really need help. I sometimes don't respond to threads I post for while because i get overwhelmed, but I read every reponse, and respond at times I feel I can 'face it' if that makes sense

I feel like my life has been so non existent and only ever been abusive, and after 26 years of literally not being a member of society, to what extent can someone really ever end up ok aftr that? I have literally not been a part of outside normal society my whole life other than the times I went to school as a kid. That is not an exaggeration . I feel that realistically someone can't really ever feel alright and be 'normal' after that. I don't know what the world is like and how to live in it :-(

xx Thankyou for any help xx

[*PeaceLily*]

Woooah that was longer than i thought it would be but if anyone has any time to read it in stages or whatever, I would greatly appreciate it xx

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. It sounds really difficult...
Do you know if you're t has any experience dealing with trauma and abuse? Most t's will not tackle the trauma piece until they know their clients are in a stable enough place to deal with it. If your t does have trauma experience, she may be trying to make sure you are stable (not a danger to yourself, have sufficient supports, can reach out if things get overwhelming, are physically in a safe place) before she is willing to deal with the traumas. She may also be noticing that you decompensate when you are only focused on the trauma stuff... however if you are presenting with new and distressing memories, she probably should be doing more to help you process them enough to get stable before getting to push other stuff, but that's just my opinion, and not necessarily how she sees things.
She has a point about getting you to a better emotional and physical state at the moment. Trauma work can take a lot out of you and can trigger a lot of stuff. If you are not safe physically and emotionally, it can cause more harm than good.
Can you tell her how invalidating it feels when she seems to brush of something that is so important to you? Would you feel ok asking her how she thinks this method will help? Sometimes we don't get the full picture of what a t is trying to accomplish if we don't ask. Maybe you can show her your post stone I think you described yourself eloquently enough (at least I think I have an understanding of what you are saying).
I had new stuff come up within the past 8 months, and I go back and forth with wanting to talk to my t about it, and wanting to wait until I'm in a better space to do that. My t is aware that there's stuff I'm questioning, but she's not pushing it right now. We spend a lot of time making sure I'm safe enough to broach the new memories. It's a process. It's frustrating at times, but I appreciate her talking her time...
this is all really tough stuff you are trying to get through in therapy. If she wants you to expand your social supports, have you guys been able to explore the possibility of group support? That could be a slightly more controlled way to get you introduced to more people and to increase your social connections.

[Secretum]

PeaceLily, I am so sorry for what happened to you. 26 years without really living-what a nightmare! And the fact that your therapist doesn't even care to hear about it or find out why it makes you so upset...maddening! She sounds like a terrible therapist. I've thankfully never been through anything as traumatic as being imprisoned in my house like you were, but I have dealt with some stuff that seemed hard to me that one of my ex-therapists just brushed off. She was awful! Didn't listen to me; didn't know what she was doing.

So yes. Next time you see your therapist, look her right in the eyes and tell her to ****ing listen to you! If she doesn't, then fire her and find another therapist. You deserve someone who a). cares about you and b). understands the severity of your situation. Because you matter!! Stories like this make me so mad. Mental health professionals treating us like ***** because they're burnt out or apathetic or bad at their jobs of just bad people. Please get the help you need. You are an incredible person.

And you said that your verbal skills were poor, but I had absolutely no problem understanding what you wrote. You're better than you think you are.

[cryingontheinside]

Hi peace lily. I replied to your thread in a private messege.

[*PeaceLily*]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Hi peace lily. I replied to your thread in a private messege.

Hiya.Thanks. yeah I saw it. i just replied. i didnt reply instantly because I knew I would end up writing a long message and it was gonna take a while

xx

[*PeaceLily*]

A lot of the issue is tht I am triggered so frequently and so severely, and I never knoww when it's going to happen. To be honest, even just saying ''26 years without really living-what a nightmare!'' triggered me. it''s weirdvbecause I want validation, and yet I cannot handle the truth.I am in a very disassociated state most of the time and I was housebound until very recently which protected me from a lot of triggers. the dissociation is very severe and acts as a buffer. When something really breaks through though, the disassociation isnt sufficient and doesn't protect me enough eg. if an unexpected comment made to me really hits home or if I get memories breaking through.

I can actually do self hypnosis and go into trance- I have done it since I was a kid by twirling bits of rope in my hands. I still do this now because it puts me in a trance, and takes away the pain.

Btw. it's not your fault for saying my whole life has been a nightmare. You're right. It's just that the truth is something that overwhelms me more than I think its going to. When comments or images bring the enormity of what has happened to my consciousness and my disassociative powers don't have time to kick in I go into a weird cold state of shock...I literally get cold. These past few days after having a particular memory, I went into shock, and the enormity of my whole life hit me and I weighed up the likelihood of ever being ok, and realistically the odss aren't on my side. I don't think anyone could say i have a good chance of ever having happiness after this. I have been having very detached philosophical suicidal thoughts these past few days about feeling hopeless about my chance of coming to terms with it all.

I go over the worst bits or 'hot spots' as the author of this book on ptsd calls in my head all the time. Its like a broken record in my head. Because it's such a crazy story, my own mind can't believe it.I managed to get away to a womens refuge and started to recover, but ended up stuck at my mothrs instead of my fathers afteerwards due to being homeless and no moey at all, and the same thing happened with the medications again to the point that prior to going to my mother's I was starting to recover and was going out and had a friend for the first time in years, and my ptsd symptoms were improving gradually. When I went to my mother's, I was on constant medications which made me worse, I became completely housebound and didn't leave the house at all for 14 months. I became very thin due to lack of food. I was not as thin at my mothers as I had been at my dad's though. When I lived with my dad, because it was so hard to cook anything to eat and because I was frequently housebound, at one point I weighed 6 stone or less- I am 5 ft 7 and I have never had an eating disorder, so that's 84 lbs or less just from depression and the situation!

I had tried to leave multiple times but the side effects frequently made my attempts unlikely to work. That and the fact that I had no experience of everyday life meant that I didn't understand how to do basic things for myself, and didn't know where to go for help.Pus, I had no money and no job, and had very bad trauma symptoms which freaked people out...I would jump out my skin of someone came near me. If anyone tried to hug me, I'd put up my hands to protect my head like they were about to hit me. I first managed to get away when I was 19 and during a manic episode brought on by the medication, and also exacebated by the fact I had no money and was desperate, I actually briefly worked as a prostitute! The lack of familiarity with social situations and the fact that I genuinely thought you had to say yes to men for everything, ( like if they ask you to look for someone with them at night, you had to,) meant I have always been a target for assault and then felt like damn idiot afterwards. and I would always end up at my dads and I had no one to tell anyway. I feel so mad that I managed to get away to a womens refuge and they told me they would give me a home, and then at the last minute they tell me they can't give me a home and I was homeless again, and I ended up back in the family situation...whatever the hell that can be called.I was certain when i went to the refuge that i was finally free, and yet i ended up back there again. I feel like I can never be certain I am free ever again

. I am currently only being treated with a mood stabiliser- It is unclear whether I have bipolar or not since i took ssri medication since I was 18, so cant do a fair diagnosis. However, i guess I am on a simlar medication regiment now of just a modd stabiliser. It would explain my reaction to ssris because ssri medication causes mania in people with bipolar if used on it's own.

I can see why my therapist would want me to have more social support first, but i dont think she understands that I have spent so long in isolation and have only started going out my house at all in the last few weeks. I think group support would be tough because I dont know what group Proably a general post traumatic stress group would be best, but probably she wouldn't think that was a good idea at the moment because group support would involve talking about the trauma and triggering stuff

Thankyou for all the replies xxx

[*PeaceLily*]

^^ There is stuff written on there like the prostitution thing that i have never told my therapist. so I am scared that I have written it due to the possibility of judgement!! A lot of it was due to the mania from the drugs. Also on the rare times I have known anyone since I left school, it has almost always been a coercive situation like when i was very briefly in my only 'relationship', I don't count it as a boyfriend,) with a much older man who would shoot me up with crack and heroin and things, and I hoped he would help me, but I just ended up bouncing from one place to another and all these men wanted to do was inject me with drugs and be sexual when al I wanted was help getting away from my father because I didnt know anyone. they would pretend they would help me with my life, and I was so desperate i believed them, but I was just being used. I feel like all people have ever wanted to do is drug me!

I am amzed I have written all this stuff down. It doesn't sound like a real story, but there is so much more, and it is real. even when i wrote the part about thinking I had to say yes to men about everything even if they asked me to help them find someone at night, I got a memory coming though that i know is real of something that happened that is related to that.

Its crazy how much I have accepted as what I deserved. I have only recently started to see certain things that happened to me as maybe rape and sexual assault...I felt like if you agreed to sex once on a night then that means they can do what they want to you later on even if you're asleep and even if they dont ask and its really rough, because you had consensual sex with them once. I am starting to see now that I dont think that's true.

To be honest, i feel like when people read this stuff though, they're just thinking 'you're ****ed' and that i can't have a happy life, but that they can't tell me that because this is a support forum.Lol. :-/

xxxx

[cryingontheinside]

[cryingontheinside]

I dont think its impossible, just chalanging.
It might be a long process to get where you want to be but you have already made some progress by getting away/ breaking free from the family home.
Phycologically you have alot to deal with. You are already beginning your journey by starting therapy.
Thanks for sharing your story, i hope it helps a little to write it all down.