Christmas dinner with my abuser

From the time I can remember my brother hated me and abused me emotionally and physically. When I was 8 and my brother was 14 he molested me for a year. He stopped after I began having reoccurring UTI's which lead to a couple hospitalizations and his fear of being caught.

I told my 13 year old sister a year later and she didn't believe me. I felt so alone I began drinking at 11 and had my first suicide attempt around 12. At age 16, my mom founding me hanging in the barn strangling. 3 months of impatient therapy w/everyone except him caused a rift in the family but helped me begin a 7 year journey to life that included a 1500 mile move away from them.

My parents have longed for a Christmas together for over 10 years. Last one was 1989 and it sent me into a drunken, promiscuous, homeless 1 year nightmare. Rumor is my brother is at deaths door and this may be his last Christmas. My parents are desperate, but I don't think I owe it to them or anyone. + I have a 13 year old daughter now who has never met him. I'm not expecting an apology or any nice behavior- he has called me Hag my entire life and I expect this same treatment......in front of my daughter? I don't think I can bear it. The request is so absurd, so why do I feel guilty for not going!!!

Reading this made me cry
Do what your heart tells you to do if your not ready then don't go

Hi Mrs Mania, do you think maybe you're feeling guilty as part of a conditioned response?? You know the kind of views you can get thrown about in general by others e.g. "Christmas should be a time for family and forgiveness", "You owe it to your parents not to disappoint them", "If someone's at death's door you should put aside any past issues"..........that kind of thing, and plenty more of them as well!!!
But under the circumstances I don't think anyone (least of all you!!) should judge, or think less of you for not going if you choose that. And just like Nature said go with your heart, you don't owe anybody.
And you know if you want to do something for your parents as they wanted you all together, why not send them a seasonal video message they can play on the day (kind of like you're almost there??) and phone them on the day too.
So nothing wrong with putting yourself and your daughter first if you decide it'll be too hard to go...........it's what most good parents would/should be doing.

Alison

The number one thing is that you need to ensure your own safety. If going there for Christmas may put you in an unsafe position, then I would say don't go.
I am very bad at 'hold your tongue and pretend' situations though. They have a really bad effect on me mentally.It makes me like I am not being heard.

Do your family now believe you about what happened? Is there any way you could discuss your reservations with you parents? Do they just want to 'forget' and 'move on'?

xxx

My sister and mom believe me. Upon questioning him during my mental breakdown -he admitted and minimized the ordeal, (some things became blatantly obvious with hindsight) he also apologized to them? However, he has never apologized to me. My dad has always been in denial.

My parents and sister understand my reservations, but they definitely think I should move on and put the majority's interest first as I have done this in the past. The problem with that is the majority don't have to live in my head, or deal with the fallout.

I wouldn't go ...

My physical and emotional well-being come first.

Regardless of what anyone else has to say about it.

Period.