[flawlesshorizons66]

Before I begin, I apologize to the site moderators for not knowing where to put this. I don't believe I have any impairments or disorders but rather just know a lifetime of misfortune. I know I'm not the only one but I've been desperately wanting to tell someone. I don't expect help...but I wish I could have it. Be warned, it's a long read and contains very dramatic events. If it's not allowed...I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell my story to someone...

I guess I should begin at the beginning, even before I was born. My mother was about your age and my father about mine: both major drug users...When my mother found out that she was pregnant, she attempted to abort me. Luckily, my father stayed her decision and so I was born, healthy and happy as any baby who believed they were loved.
I was very young when my parents ended up divorcing, my father being unable to deal with my mother and my mother hating that he would basically bow down to her and her wishes. My father left...and took up the drugs and the drinking even more heavily, resulting in major imprisonment with the added bonus of using me to hurt him more. He was never there to help me through the hells of which I suffered for 18 years...
My mother, in her nature since she was young, has always been a manipulative and abusive woman, believing that she was perfect and all others were wrong. All the way until I was 14 years old, she beat me...hard...and yes, that includes my infant years. She was abusive both mentally and physically, often times the threats of killing me or toying with my love and happiness in sheer cruelty hurt more than the swats of that splintery slab of wood...To her, I was but an item; a tool. Ever since I was 6, I was working in any possible way I could...she said it paid for my room a board and thusly, if I didn't do it, not only would I be beat but I would also not eat till it would be done. Many nights or even days, I went without food as a punishment. I never had the things others have today: I never had video games (minus the gameboy that I was allowed to play on Thursday's, Saturdays, and Tuesdays for one hour), I never had any friends except for a select few that I could hardly ever see anyways, I never had family to see since my mother excommunicated me from any of them that disagree with her. See, the worst things about the punishment was the fact that I grew up very strong to the Christian faith. Anytime she considered that I did something wrong, on top of all my punishments, she would say that God would punish me too and was disappointed in me. This was my hell till I was preparing to enter middle school...
My mother ended up meeting a farmer at her high school reunion who she later married. The man (my step-father) already had an adopted son and an infant girl with a criminally psycho ex-wife. Anyways, to be short, he was whipped like a dog by my mother...cowering like he has no manhood. When I lived on that farm, the work only increased. I got up at 4 in the morning to milk the cows before going to school. Then after school and football, I would return to have to milk the cows again and do whatever work needed to be done until dinner (If I was allowed to eat that night). On top of all this, when school wasn't going on and summer hit, I worked till exhaustion everyday harvesting crops, messing with hay and straw, taking care of the 500 head of cattle...and if I did one thing wrong...no supper after the mental abuse. I was actually warming up to it though...I thought it wasn't going to be as bad for a while...
One day while we wear giving some calves bedding, the older boy (I was getting ready to go into 7th grade and he was a junior in high school) lead me into one of the barns to get some more straw...then...I was molested....it still haunts me to this day. I was tested, poked, violated, prodded and everything after the event. In the end, due to my mother not putting forward the effort, the court ordered the event voluntary...and my mother held that over my head for a long time; calling me names and degrading me constantly. I tried to kill myself...in the end, I could not do it.

Life continued on...and I tried to get past what had happened...ignoring the constant reminder that I never had a girl and that I must be a ****** (still don't have a girl to this day sadly...never been on even a date...)
I tried so hard in school and football. Football...that was my freedom from the world. I can't even tell you what it's like...to run out on the field with the home support screaming in the stands. All that mattered was the play, the endzone, your team, and the man in front of you...We won the first ever state championship my senior year with me as their first string offensive right tackle on the line. I also was the Vice President for our school's FFA for all four years straight...I even graduated with my first year of college already finished through dual credits...but things were about to get worse...
Not long before I graduated high school, I suffered even more because I wanted to flee from my torture. I knew it was wrong what was going on...So for the first time I tried to leave. I scared the pee out of my mother and step father. I don't remember much of it but they had said that it looked like I was going to kill them. I ended up almost out the door when my step father crushed my arm with the door and restrained me.......and me being as pathetic as I was, cried like a little baby...Ironically, if I had left that door, I was going to have taken the truck and ram it into one of the trees on our land...to finally end the suffering once more...but it didn't happen and I remained on the farm for just a little longer...
Finally, as I had graduated, I decided one day that enough was enough. I left without so much as a good bye. I went to Six Flags with some friends before we wrecked on the way back home. Finally, I was dropped off at my truck...finding out later that I had lost my key in the crash. I couldn't get in...so I slept under it in the middle of the city. The next day I got my keys and for 2 weeks, I lived in my truck and ate maybe one meal a day. Finally, my grandmother on my father's side somehow found me and forced me to go home with her. She later contacted my mother of whom I gave 3 chances to change to no avail. Currently, I will never speak to that woman again...In an attempt to have a chance at life, I had to find something that paid good and support my hopeless life...the military...
I left to the military last January, going through the classic horrors of basic military training...I wouldn't wish that torture on anyone. Finally, though, as I finished and came out as a United States Airman on that bombrun, I fell so proud. I had conquered what few others could have ever imagined as I marched proudly and shook my sergeant's hand...receiving my airman coin that I still have today....
Here's the dark part...before I had left for the military, I had for the first time in my life, fallen truly in love. I thought of her all throughout the hell of Basic Training, writing poems and such things. She never knew of course because this girl...(please don't bash me too much...I was stupid...) was 4 years younger than I....I promised myself I would wait. Once I began tech school and we were allowed phone calls, she message me saying that she found out about my affections for her and felt the same towards me. I was hooked instantly...I thought I had finally found a hope...a love...for the first time in my life...
Throughout tech school in Aircrew training, I undertook crash survival, survival training, torture simulation, combat training, etc....with the idea that it was all worth it...because I would be able to support her and look good for her. I was doing this for her now...Then, one day...I received the classic 'Dear John'....she told me she found someone else and with as stupid as I was, I became so upset that I didn't eat or drink four 4 days (labor day weekend). On the fourth day, I crawled out the 4 story window and held onto the sill...wanting to let go...to end it finally...I wanted to so badly. As you know though, I didn't.
I left the military...I wanted to fight for her. I loved her so much. My mother ended up finding out apparently and rumored that I was a child molester and turned even my church against me. People believe me dishonorable...so I left them... Upon my leaving of the military, I received an honorable discharge though and I am a veteran...but I can never return to the military because of my specified training. Turns out, there was nothing I could do for the girl...she was out of my reach...this was over a year ago...and here I am: no dreams, no hope, no love to be felt.

This is my story...and somehow, I can still smile for others...even though the pain hurts so much in the lonely darkness of my small room...

All I wanted in life was for someone to be proud of me, to love me, to want me. I know it's not all their fault. To be honest, it's mine. I allowed these things to happen. I was the problem and I still am. Every moment that passes, I wish I could have been someone else. I want to belong...I want a reason to live and be happy. I don't like hating myself but I'm the reason I am the way I am.

I'm sorry...I should not complain...There are starving children in the world and others who know more pain than me. If you read this, I did not mean to take up so much of your time...

[SnakeCharmer]

Dear flawlesshorizon, I am so sorry you have suffered so much abuse and tragedy in your life.

At the end of your story, you say it's your fault, you allowed these things to happen, that you're the problem and that you still are.

I am going to disagree with that statement quite strongly. No child is to blame for the faults and weaknesses of their parents. No child allows the abuse to happen to them from an early age. They have no choice in the matter and are powerless against forces that are much stronger than they.

It's not surprising you've had difficulties in your life since your broke free of your mother. When did you ever learn to function in life? All you've known is dysfunction and abuse. But it is not too late for you to begin the process of recovering from your abusive childhood. You can learn to live and love and even be happy.

You left the military with an honorable discharge. That means you're eligible for VA treatment. It may take awhile to qualify, but now is the time to sign up for benefits so you can eventually find a therapist to help you. Even though you didn't go into combat, it's a possibility you suffer from PTSD from the horrors of your childhood. Many other vets are getting help for things that started way before they enlisted.

In the meantime, you might look into self-help groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics. Other people in the group lived with parents who abused alcohol and drugs and who abused their kids. Or maybe even look into private therapy. Whatever feels best to you.

There are many other posters here at Psych Central who endured horrific childhoods and who have found help through therapy and by talking to others here. I hope some of them will respond to your post and tell how they went about finding help when they were first struggling with trying to figure themselves out. Although you may feel like a total outcast in an uncaring world, you are not alone. Many here have suffered terribly at the hands of their families.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will soon seek help so that you can begin a brand new phase of your life.

[flawlesshorizons66]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Dear flawlesshorizon, I am so sorry you have suffered so much abuse and tragedy in your life.

At the end of your story, you say it's your fault, you allowed these things to happen, that you're the problem and that you still are.

I am going to disagree with that statement quite strongly. No child is to blame for the faults and weaknesses of their parents. No child allows the abuse to happen to them from an early age. They have no choice in the matter and are powerless against forces that are much stronger than they.

It's not surprising you've had difficulties in your life since your broke free of your mother. When did you ever learn to function in life? All you've known is dysfunction and abuse. But it is not too late for you to begin the process of recovering from your abusive childhood. You can learn to live and love and even be happy.

You left the military with an honorable discharge. That means you're eligible for VA treatment. It may take awhile to qualify, but now is the time to sign up for benefits so you can eventually find a therapist to help you. Even though you didn't go into combat, it's a possibility you suffer from PTSD from the horrors of your childhood. Many other vets are getting help for things that started way before they enlisted.

In the meantime, you might look into self-help groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics. Other people in the group lived with parents who abused alcohol and drugs and who abused their kids. Or maybe even look into private therapy. Whatever feels best to you.

There are many other posters here at Psych Central who endured horrific childhoods and who have found help through therapy and by talking to others here. I hope some of them will respond to your post and tell how they went about finding help when they were first struggling with trying to figure themselves out. Although you may feel like a total outcast in an uncaring world, you are not alone. Many here have suffered terribly at the hands of their families.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will soon seek help so that you can begin a brand new phase of your life.

I appreciate your care. Kinda feel guilty talking about it to be honest.
In answer to your question, I was self taught in many aspects but the rest was developed from the church and old fashion values. Truly, I hate those values with a passion...I can't get rid of them. I can't be loved in today's society because of them. And to correct myself, my discharge was uncharacterized. My status gets me nothing.
Thanks again for the support.

[Wolcott]

I am so sorry that you had this experience in childhood. You are definitely NOT an outcast.

[Fuzzybear]