[JL101010]

I thank anyone in advance who takes the time to read my post. I know it's long but so much has happened I didn't know what to leave out and what to keep. I feel so alone. Here goes...

I am 29 years old. I met my (now ex-narcissist) boyfriend in high school, we graduated in 2003. We had sex once back then but we were just friends, even after the sex. Over the years we lost touch, but had no bad blood. Exactly 10 years later (April 2013) we started talking again on Facebook, just catching up. Starting hanging out as friends & within a few weeks started dating. He had told me that over the 10 years since I had last seen him he had become involved in drugs, had battled a heroin addiction. He had a girlfriend of 10 years that had recently broken up with him, so they had started dating right after we graduated high school. I guess she also was a heroin addict. Anyway, by the time he & I started talking in April 2013 he already had almost a year clean from heroin. He was deeply involved in Narcotics Anonymous. He had admitted that he was both mentally & physically abusive to his ex, and she had filed a PFA against him, and he seemed to express deep regret for the things he had done to her, though he made it seem like his actions were a direct result of him using drugs, and again, by the time I started dating him, he was in recovery and was clean.

In any case, he told me everything about himself fairly quickly and seemed to want to know everything about me (within the last 10 years). I thought we had some wonderful connection and the “I love you’s” were probably being said not even a month into the relationship. I know now the signs I didn’t know to look for back then. I was swept off my feet but within a few months the verbal abuse began (****, slut, *****, *****, etc…) you get the idea. The first time he did it I ended things and he begged so like a fool I took him back. Not even three months into our relationship (June 2013) his mother died. The verbal abuse again escalated & I would break up with him but always take him back the next day, partially because by that time I was addicted to him & partially because I attributed much of his lashing out to the recent loss of his mother. In August of 2013 my grandmother died, but he wasn’t emotionally available to me at all as I was for him during his loss.

During the end of August, we got into an argument and I attempted to leave his house. I got into my car and he ripped off my car door handle in an attempt to open my door. This should’ve been my clear sign to get out. I didn’t. Fast forward to October 2013. I found out I was pregnant. I told him. At first he was scared, then excited. But the arguing was getting worse and the verbal abuse was getting worse. Eventually he broke up with me and starting seeing some other addict from NA. He wouldn’t respond to be for two weeks. Then he left her and came back, and I took him back, because at that point I had no self esteem, was alone, scared, and pregnant with his kid. On November 5th I began to have bleeding. He and I were arguing because I was still very hurt about the female he had just left me for and was not ready to forgive just yet. Because of the bleeding we went to the hospital, still arguing. I was told I was at risk for a miscarriage & needed to go home and rest for at least 5 days. We left the hospital, still arguing. He started screaming at me, and for the first time threatened me physically (to punch me in the stomach). I pulled over and told him to get out of my car. He refused & continued to threaten me. I reached into my purse to grab my phone, threatening to call the police. He took my phone and threw it onto the highway, smashing it to pieces. It was around 3 am, there was nobody around to got to for help. I kept insisting he get out of my car & eventually he reached over and choked me unconscious. When I woke up he was still sitting in the car, just staring at me silently. I didn’t even remember what had happened right away, it took me a minute or two to come to, I felt like I was high on drugs. After a few seconds of dizziness and general confusion, I remembered. As luck should have it, I saw a car coming up to the red light near where my car was parked. Without even thinking about grabbing my purse or trying to get my car keys (which he had taken and refused to give back to me) I ran up to the approaching car, asking for help, and the man called the police. My ex, seeing me running for help, knew what was about to happen, and he took off in my car, leaving me standing on the road.

The police came and took me to the station where they took pictures of my neck and filed the report. As my bad luck should have it, I began having my miscarriage in the police station. Because I live about a half hour away from where my ex does, I hate to wait for a relative to come pick me up from the station. The charges filed against my ex were for stealing my car and assaulting me. My relative took me home & around 10 am the next day the police called saying they had found my car where my ex ditched it and that he had been arrested and taken to jail. In a nutshell, I testified against him at the preliminary hearing and requested he do the max time possible. I was heartbroken and knew he was horrible but missed him terribly. My mistake was not filing for a PFA because he began sending me letters from jail and after 4 months I ended up giving in and dropping the charges I filed against him, hoping he could change. He came out of jail in February 2014 and we started dating again. Things went well for a few weeks and then went sour again. Unfortunately for me (and yes I know there’s no excuse for this level of irresponsibility) I became pregnant again not even a few weeks after he left jail. He was again very excited, because although I do not believe he ever would actually take care of a child, his lifelong dream has been to have a child simply because he wants something in his image and to carry on his dreams. While I had hoped for the best, because he went back to verbally abusing me not even a month after leaving jail, I had decided I could not depend on him to be a father regardless of how much he said he wanted the child, my family was not in any way supportive of me having the child because of him (nor did they know I was seeing him again) and I could not afford to raise a child on my own because of my school loan debt. So I decided to have an abortion. And that’s what I did in April 2014. I regret it everyday and I have immense guilt for the decision I made but I fear had I kept the child he would’ve eventually treated it the same way he treated me. In a nutshell, I still loved him and although the verbal abuse had returned and intensified, I just couldn’t bring myself to leave him.
Eventually, after a string of break ups and non stop arguing on both sides, he broke up with me in June 2014. We stayed broken up for a month. Then he came back and we started dating again. I had zero self esteem at this point. Not even 2 weeks after dating again, he relapsed on heroin, basically blowing the 2+ years he had clean. I stayed by his side the entire time until he could get into rehab. I was in fear everyday that he would overdose but to afraid to leave him alone in case I wasn’t around and he died. Not even a week after he went to rehab, his grandmother died, and they granted him a bereavement leave for a few days. I drove him to Cleveland, several hours from where we live for the funeral. He was mean to me the entire time and I ended the relationship. I left Cleveland as well b/c I had to come back to work the next day. A family member drove him home a few days later and he returned to rehab. He began dating another girl while in rehab and did not contact me until she broke up with him about 3 weeks later. Once he left rehab, determined to once again stay sober, we started hanging out once more. Not even a week after hanging out, he left me yet again for another girl. That relationship lasted not even three weeks before he claimed she was cheating on him & she was getting high behind his back &he ended it, and of course came back to me. This was only recently, from the end of September 2014 to the middle of October 2014. For the first time in forever things seemed to be going well. We were happier than we had been the entire time we dated and had no fights—not just me, I can honestly say he was happy too for once. We were together every single day. Things had never been this good between us. Then mid October one night I was sleeping at his house and around 3 am he got a call from that girl who had cheated on him. I heard the entire conversation. It was nothing I needed to worry about-she was calling b/c she claimed he reported her drug use to the police & she was angry he did so. It was a 30 second phone call, they were screaming at each other & then he hung up. None the less, I had to work the next day and it irritated me so without saying a word, I got out of bed and quietly put my clothes on to leave. I didn’t want an argument, I just wanted to leave b/c I was upset. He got angry because I was leaving, and almost an exact year from the first time he physically assaulted me, he jumped out of bed, and again choked me. I was shocked. I guess I thought I was the exception to the rule. I guess I thought because almost an entire year had passed since the first time he hurt me that maybe he really wouldn’t ever do it again, but obviously I was wrong. This time he did not choke me to the point of unconsciousness, and this time, I fought back. Not by much, but I kicked him and then ran out the door and drove away. Ten minutes down the road he texts me, not even apologizing, but sending me a picture of a self inflicted wound that he clearly inflicted upon himself expecting the police to come arrest him and looking to make an alibi. I never did anything that could have caused blood on his neck, the most I did was kick him in the groin. In any case, he did apologize but it became clear afterwards that his apology was not remotely sincere and was only contingent on me not having him arrested again.

He said “We need to stay away from each other, we are not good for each other, this is a vicious cycle, I know things were good between us for a while, but clearly it’s just never going to work”. While I agree with that statement, it hurts me that he makes it a “we” thing. I have never physically abused him. I never called him a name until several months after him repeatedly calling me names and I finally started standing up for myself. I never dated anyone or cheated (which he had) and never even dated anyone else during times we broke up like he had. I was faithful to him and during his several bouts of unemployment, while I was working two jobs and he couldn’t even afford his own food or rent, I was making sure he was okay and he had those things. I did everything I could to love this man and show him I cared about him. He held the abortion over my head forever. Even though I couldn’t count on him for anything and he treated me like **** he refused to let it go that I chose not to have his child. Anyway, nearing the end of my story here, the last time I was my ex was on October 13th 2014, Columbus Day, the day he choked me. After that I did nothing but text him how much I hated him for about a week after even though he apologized profusely. I was so angry I just couldn’t stop even though at the point he seemed fine with being done with me and wasn’t trying to rekindle anything. About 2 weeks later I had symptoms of an STD and went to the clinic. They confirmed I had Trichamoniasis. I was infuriated. On top of him hurting me once again he had given me an STD. I contacted him to tell him about the STD and he had the nerve to ask me to get his medication for him. I refused and told him his days of entitlement are over with me. He of course called me everyname in the book. About a week later I felt weak and contacted him and he said “you refused to help me out and give me medicine and the only time you contact me is to be a ***** so don’t contact me anymore b/c my new girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate it”. This hurt me beyond belief that he had again replaced me so quickly. I then tried to make him feel stupid by saying I was contacting him to offer him medicine but now he could forget it. This was a mistake because then he did nothing but harass me for 3 days trying to get the medicine from me and recanting that he even had a girlfriend at all. I still refused. I told him if he wants to tell me to never contact HIM after everything he’s done to ME, then he can get his own damn medicine. He told me he hoped I die slowly, etc. 2 days went by and I did not contact him and he did not contact me either. Then he called me and said he went to the clinic himself and not only did they diagnose him with Trichamoniasis but also Clahmydia, which I was not told that I had. I called my clinic and asked if I needed to be retested again and they said yes because I probably had it as well but because it was early in the incubation period when I got tested it likely didn’t show up. So I tested again and had to be treated for that as well. I was angry. He sent me a text with some half-assed apology saying “he knows how betrayed I feel becvause he trusted the girl that gave it to him and he feels betrayed by her”. Spare me your pity party, you got 2 std’s from a girl you barely knew for 3 weeks and because of you sleeping with her, I also got 2 stds when I had been faithful to you for two years.
I laid into him like never before. Then I get a text from a number I don’t know and it’s his new girlfriend (the one he claimed he didn’t have when trying to weasel medication out of me) telling me to leave “her man” alone. I told her good luck & that he would eventually do the same thing to her—she said I’m a liar. He texted and said “Leave me alone. I haven’t wanted you for months and I’m never coming back” to which I responded that I didn’t want him back. He then texted the words leave me alone (and I’m not kidding when I say) 600 times. I eventually stopped responding and told him I was blocking him. This was about 2 am on October 31st. I guess he wanted to test the waters b/c twice on November 1st he sent two more texts saying “Leave me alone” even though he hadn’t heard from me in over 15 hours at that point. I didn’t respond. Instead I sent the messages to his girlfriend, who again called me a liar even though they were actual screen shots. So the last time I had any contact with him or with her was on November 1st 2014. It’s now November 20th 2014, and this is the longest he and I have ever gone without contact. To whoever took the time to read all of this, I first apologize for the novel and secondly thank you for taking the time. My questions are as follows:
1) When he said he wouldn’t ever contact me again, I kind of challenged that when arguing with his gf who told me to leave him alone. I said “I won’t have to contact him, he will contact me, he always does”. But he hasn’t. So yes, I have to wonder…will he contact me again at some point in the future or after so much back and forth and 18 months of ********, is he finally done? And yes, I know, I shouldn’t want him to contact me but I can’t help but wonder.
2) Even though he cheated and abused his ex of 11 years, I know he still loved her but she refused to take him back before I came along. He’s narcissistic in every way so I don’t understand how he was able to throw me away so easily when he stayed with her for 11 years. How does that work?
3) My self esteem is already completely shot. I am in counseling now and have been for over 2 months. I go every week. I am reading self help books non stop and I have even gone on a few dates. When I really think about it, he was pretty much done with me in June. Although we got back together several times, he used me as a backup plan since June. I went from being THE woman to the woman in between rebounds and it crushes me. When will I stop caring? Because it’s been almost 3 weeks of no contact and I still hurt. The thing that hurts the most is that everything you read about abuse teaches you how to leave your abuser and all the forums pretty much say the abusers beg to come back or stalk you. I know it needs to be over, I don’t want him to come back but it’s like it almost crushes my self esteem even more that I wasn’t the one to leave him-HE LEFT ME. It’s like I wasn’t even good enough to be abused anymore.
4) It would be one thing if he replaced me with women who were prettier, smarter, or at least had something going for them but he doesn’t. All 3 girls I just described that he dated have all either been addicts or recovering addicts, most live in drug-free housing, and most have multiple felonies on their record. I don’t. I’ve never been an addict. I have a degree and I work two jobs. The only thing that hurts worse than being left in general is being left for these women that I would’nt even consider to be marginally attractive in any way. I don’t say that to sound cocky, I say it because it’s true. Why would he want that when he could’ve had me? Is it because I started standing up for myself more and he was losing control over me? Is it because I finally fought back when he attacked me? Will he ever contact me again, what’s the likelihood if he said he hasn’t wanted me for months?

Hello JL: I read your long post. I'm so sorry this has all happened to you. Unfortunately, I don't know the answers to your questions. I sincerely doubt anyone does. In fact, I doubt there really are any dependable answers. Only time will tell.

You wrote you are in counseling & that you go every week. I think this is vitally important. You must figure out what it is about yourself that would allow you to be used & abused over-&-over by this man & yet you just keep coming back for more. In fact, reading between the lines of your questions, I'm not convinced you wouldn't do it all again if the opportunity arose. I hope I'm wrong about that.

Part of the problem is that, even if this man never comes back, there are plenty of other men like him out there. And unless you figure out what is going on with you, the likelihood is that you will just fall victim to another man who is as self-centered and abusive as this one is. So, please, forget this guy, focus on your counseling & your recovery. You wrote that you have a degree & you work 2 jobs. You are a responsible person. You deserve better than you have gotten from this man. But it's YOU who must figure out what's going on & how to prevent it from happening again, if not with this man, then with another one just like him...

[*PeaceLily*]

Originally Posted by JL101010

Is it because I started standing up for myself more and he was losing control over me? Is it because I finally fought back when he attacked me? Will he ever contact me again, what’s the likelihood if he said he hasn’t wanted me for months?

I read it all. I'm sorry, especially about the pregnancies and the violence

And in answer to the above questions...yes, that is why .he wants control and he doesn't want responsibility. The reason he stayed with the ex longer may be because she didn't go to the police and 'took it' so to to speak. However, it's also very possible that she and him did break up for periods in between that 11 years, and she may have even gone to the police, but then contact was resumed at some point and she took him back and the cycle continued. It's also possible that he was never with someone for 11 years- Sometimes people who act like this say that they've been in a longterm relationship to give the impression that they are able to maintain relationships and therefore imply that the problem must be you if things aren't working.It makes them sound more stable.

He probably will contact you again. I really hope you don't respond.Someone who can choke you unconscious is someone who could kill you...what if you hadn't come to? That is just awful to that to someone who is carrying your child.It is so terrible. there doesn't seem to be any redeeming aspect to this relationship.To choke someone unconscious is SEVERE abuse.

This man will bring you down.If he contacts you again, he will probably be very pleasant.You must not respond because it will all happen again.

And i got the same impression as the person who replied before me. Something tells me you could go back from the way you're talking.You really need to focus on your counselling and educate yourself about the cycle of abuse and domestic abuse in general

The Cycle of Abuse | Respect For Women

xxxx

Look up hoovering/reverse hoovering. Cut every avenue of contact. While ever there is one open you will just keep beating yourself up about him not contacting you. Don't give him the chance then you don't need to wonder.

It's not about being prettier or smarter or better than the women he leaves you for. It's about who is the best N-supply.

Maybe he is one of those that likes people he considers lesser than him so that he can feel superior.

He probably will contact you again. When the women he is with either runs down or gets jack of him he will come back to you because you have proven time and again to be a solid source of supply.

Don't give him the chance. The best revenge for this sort of person (and luckily the best thing for you too) is to ignore them.

[JL101010]

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.