[Swimmingmichelle55]

Hey everyone,

I wasn't sure where to go with my problem..and I know I should probably be going back to therapy, but insurance is rough right now and I really just need someone to vent to and try to figure out if I'm really losing my mind or it's the environment around me. I guess I should start with me. I'm 23yrs old and currently finishing up my last year at a university, hoping to live my dream and fighting every day to tell myself I'll be okay after I get my degree. My parents divorced when I was 7, it didn't really effect me because my father was rarely in my life to begin with.

My grandparent's on my mother's side raised me while she went to school to better herself so she could get a career to support me and put me through school because my father thought a woman's place was at home and refused to watch me so my mother could do these things. Needless to say, I'm much more closer to my mother's family than my father's and I haven't seen him or any of them since I was 18. My grandfather and my uncle Roy were my male role models in my life & my aunt Maggie was always making sure I was happy. My relationship with my family was and still is always constant. I live next door to my grandmother/aunt/little cousin and my uncle Roy, his wife, and 4 children live a few blocks away. We're always together.

However, there's 1 uncle who has just recently started popping up into our lives and this is where my problem lies. My uncle Bill was the only one who moved out of state and lived a life away from us. He came home every once in a while and was a bit rough when he'd play with me (he had a tight grip or got carried away), but treated me relatively nice. I remember him handing me $20 bills as a child on holidays every time I'd walk by him. The only problem was, no one else in my family liked him and my mother & him were the worst as far as their relationship went.

For a few years, my uncle Roy wouldn't even come to holiday events at my grandparents with his family because of my Uncle Bill treating their house like his own personal storage and trying to break in once while they weren't at home. He'd had enough and was done. This lasted around 5 years.

So we fast forward a bit into my teenage years. My grandfather got sick with cancer a few years ago and that's when my uncle moved closer to home. This is when I started to notice a rift for the first time between my uncle and I. First and foremost, my aunt Maggie lives directly below my grandparents and works a job where she's off all summer so she was the primary care taker of my sick grandfather. She complains a lot about being the only one who does work, but always tells you not to worry about it when you offer to help. My uncle Roy started coming back for holidays to please my grandparents who would often cry about the rift between the two brothers. He tolerated uncle Bill to make them happy and it worked.

My grandfather within his last few years told me to focus on school; education was of paramount importance. I'm the oldest in my generation of cousins and an only child -- uncle Bill is the oldest in his, my mother being the 2nd, Maggie being the 3rd, and Roy being the 4th. In our family, up until I went, my uncle Bill was the only one to get a college degree. I specifically recall him telling me college wasn't a big deal when I started going. He also started getting angry at me for no reason, telling me I never did anything to help the family when he only seemed to show up for holiday events and the occasional period of time where no one else could help my grandparents so he was the last resort. Keep in mind he's now living 35min away from us.

My grandfather passed, but the relationship with my uncle is still the same. This Thanksgiving I tried to breach the gap between us and start a conversation with him. I confronted him about a problem occurring in my work life because everyone in the family always said he had a ton of experience with the subject I wanted to ask and he started off by asking me what I'd done to research the subject and that my generation had google. When my uncle has a conversation with me, he doesn't let me get a word in edgewise and if he asks a question you're only allowed to give a 1 worded response. If you say "Yes, but..." he'll interrupt you and put his hand up. If you say "Well...." he'll say "Yes or no, I asked you a question."

He shifted the conversation at some point relatively quickly, not really giving me the advice I was seeking and instead asking me why on God's green earth I thought he would help me when I've never done anything for him. He told me he'd lost all respect for me since the summer when my grandmother was bedridden and he offered to pay me $3,000 to care for her. I told him I couldn't as I had other obligations with school..and to be quite honest, I didn't trust him. He then proceeded to tell me he heard I didn't want to wipe my grandmother's backside after she went to the bathroom and asked me if I thought anyone else enjoyed it. He told me I think I'm smart, but I actually don't know a damn thing.

He told me everyone in the family was pissed off at me for it and that they secretly thought I was a "female dog" (for lack of better language), but no one would tell me to my face because they wanted to spare my feelings. He repeated again and again, "that's my mother..and you're not doing jack for her". What I didn't understand was why he was pinning this responsibility on my younger cousin who lives beneath my grandmother & myself. He didn't seem to ever, EVER bother Uncle Roy's kids. I asked him if it was because I was the oldest that he was telling me this, and he looked at me as if thoroughly confused and said that HE was the oldest, to which I responded "No...I'm the oldest in my generation.."

He didn't seem to have an answer to this. He changed the subject, pulled me close and whispered that he thought I was making excuses not to do what I needed to do and I needed to straighten myself out, get myself together, and start doing things I didn't want to do because life is a struggle, not about being lazy - which I was.

I just agreed with him. I didn't give him any kind of reaction. I nodded, told him he was right, and kept an intrigued face...but I cried for two whole days after it when I was alone. I think it was even more demoralizing to me that he pulled me in and said he loved me then got up to go over to my Uncle Roy's oldest boy and tell him to keep up the hard work, he'd really make something of himself one day. I'm so close with that cousin, but the way he did that with him makes me almost hate him. Especially when he laughed and thanked him for it. I texted the cousin about it later and he said he was just glad Uncle Bill didn't chew him out and he was trying to stay out of it.

Everyone in my family seems to just reply "That's how he is. He's just an asshole." but they don't actually do anything about it. Heck, my grandmother was sitting there next to him while he did that to me and didn't even tell him to stop once. When I told Aunt Maggie that night she got angry and told me not to listen to him because no one thinks that way, but to accept it and stay away from him. The problem is...the house is small, and every Christmas I'm the 1 person he doesn't get a gift for and I have to sit there and watch everyone else unwrap his presents and thank him while I sit in a corner and feel like crap.

What should I do...? I'm starting to realize that I won't ever get along with him from that 1 conversation, but I don't know how much longer I can take going up there every holiday just to make my family happy. I haven't been happy during a holiday for 5 years because of this.

[jelly-bean]

I am so sorry that you have an uncle who treats you so badly! I had an aunt who would pretend to everyone that she cared about my sisters and I but treated us sort of like your uncle treats you. I finally grew up and had enough and told her exactly how I felt about her. I then refused to be anywhere that she and her husband were regardless of the reason, holidays, family gatherings after funerals if they were there I wasn't. I just waited until I could enjoy my family without them and the family understood. Some of them even chose to stay away with me. Your uncle is a bully because they choose to let him get away with it. If you choose to stand up to him make sure you do it in public as he is less likely to get physical. Otherwise just stay away when he is around.

[healingme4me]

It'd be great if your family all banded together, to refuse gifts, to make a show of solidarity.

Sorry you're being singled out. What are your options, after school?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[mimsies]

Keeping in mind that I can be a total evil monster...

Be SUPER sweet and thoughtful and considerate toward him. Give him an awesome gift that is really cool that is just the sort of thing he likes (not at the expense of thoughtful gifts for the nice members of your family, mind). When he is a d!ckweed to you anyway, which he will be, don't even let it upset you, remember- he's a mean spirited moron, but be even MORE gracious and considerate. Also, compliment him on the wonderful gifts he gives everyone else, but don't mention your gift to him, or the fact that you have been excluded- others will notice without a word from you.

The trick is to be sweet and gracious, but not in an intimate loving familial way- more like a super well trained customer service representative. The goal is to be super nice without communicating that he actually matters to you. You are just being nice because that is what you are like, whether he deserves it or not.

Now be careful not to be servant like, just be super pleasant to him, without even reacting to his nastiness. Just let it roll off of you while you continue to bond with the rest of your family, who do matter to you. For self preservation purposes, though, I recommend against seeking him out, and not being around him when it is reasonably possible.

[Swimmingmichelle55]

Thanks so much to everyone for their responses! It makes me feel so much better to hear that it's not just me thinking he's wrong for the way he's acting towards me. It's hard to see it when your entire family really isn't doing anything about it =/ The only person who ever really backs me up is my mother and honestly it doesn't make me feel any better to get her involved because it just upsets her and no one really helps her any with it because everyone is so afraid to start fighting with each other again.

The entire family is hanging together by what feels like a string because we're forced to keep up this facade all for my grandmother, who I can never believe will actually sit there and be perfectly content knowing we're secretly loathing every minute of being in the same room.

I'm aiming towards Jelly-Bean's suggestion at this point honestly, because I feel like it's the healthiest for me. My plan after school was to move out to LA, CA because that's where my career path would have taken me anyway. Honestly...I was hoping it would be my greatest excuse not to show up to family holiday's anymore, to tell everyone I was stuck out in CA doing work or something. I've been living for that dream since I was in high school...but honestly I love my mother way too much to just get up and leave her here by herself with the dogs.

If only I had the heart to go through with that Mimsies!! Nothing would make me happier than to get back at him like that, but I don't think I have the energy. I'm clinically diagnosed with major depression and co-dependency and my self esteem has always been absolute rock bottom, not to mention I can never seem to not let someone's cruel words bother me. If only insurance wasn't so rough for therapy right now. Apparently there's a $1,000 down payment to go anywhere right now and we're struggling with money enough as it is. Christmas at my house probably won't go past $40 gifts or cards.

[mimsies]

Originally Posted by Swimmingmichelle55

If only I had the heart to go through with that Mimsies!! Nothing would make me happier than to get back at him like that, but I don't think I have the energy. I'm clinically diagnosed with major depression and co-dependency and my self esteem has always been absolute rock bottom, not to mention I can never seem to not let someone's cruel words bother me. If only insurance wasn't so rough for therapy right now. Apparently there's a $1,000 down payment to go anywhere right now and we're struggling with money enough as it is. Christmas at my house probably won't go past $40 gifts or cards.

It is OK, really I just wanted to give you a little satisfaction at the thought of doing it.

You may be able to get on medicaid. I have gotten on it, and it has been SO helpful. I see a therapist, and my local "indigent medical care fund" pays for my sessions. It is very difficult to do the research to find services to help, but totally worth it when you do.

I understand the depression. I am a long time sufferer of major depression. It is so... SIGH. I don't know. It is a vicious beast.

$40 is a pretty good gift, so don't feel bad. I never manage gifts that cost more than $20, and often less. I am lucky that I am good at art, and at crafts- I save a lot by being able to give homemade gifts.

PM me if you would like my assistance in looking for health resources. )

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Swimmingmichelle55

Everyone in my family seems to just reply "That's how he is. He's just an asshole." but they don't actually do anything about it.

There isn't anything you can do with/about a person like this. I would handle it the way you see the rest of your family dealing with him and just stay "away" from him, don't bother with trying to be nice to him or asking for advice, etc., he sounds utterly selfish and not someone you want in your life full-time?

[Fuzzybear]