My story and concerns - lots of triggers

The primary reason I'm writing here is because I just feel lost and hopeless a lot of the time. And I don't know what to do with those feelings or how to go forward. I *know* that objectively I'm in an abusive relationship. But I feel deep down that most of it is my fault. A lot of people tell me it's not my fault, and I start to believe it, but then I start thinking through everything, and all my flaws, and what my husband tells me, and I always go back to doubting, and believing that I have a lot of the responsibility for everything that has happened, and therefore I have a lot of the responsibility to fix it. How can I leave/abandon him and claim he is abusive if a lot of it is my fault? Don't I owe it to him to make things right?

I am actually seeing a therapist, but am not sure I am really getting anywhere. She always paints me as the victim and him as the abuser, and it just doesn't sit well with me, even though what she says makes sense to me.


An overview of how I usually tell our story goes like this: I have been with my husband for 9 years, and we have 3 young children. My husband has always verbally abused me - called me horrible names and said very demeaning things to me. I remember so many times, me crying and asking him please don't call me those things, and so then he would call me them even more. Then he started becoming physically abusive. However, the violent acts only happened a few times a year, at most, and so it never really occurred to me that it could be considered "abuse". Anyway the first time was when my first baby was 3-4 months old. He got drunk and pulled me out of the house by my hair and locked me outside. After that there were times where he would push me, or push tables into me (I remember having bruises from those), he slapped me a few times, he pinned me to the wall by my neck, one time he hit me so hard in the car while I was driving that I had to pull over to not crash and then he continued hitting me. We had a pretty bad incident where we were arguing and he slammed me against the wall, with his hand over my face and told me if I ever talked that way to him again he would crush my face in. I actually thought he had broken my nose. He let me go and forced me out of the house and locked it. He proceeded to break hundreds of dollars of my favorite, irreplaceable collectible items and throw them outside one by one, which completely broke my heart. He has told me he is going to kill himself numerous times and has locked himself in the bathroom twice now for hours - once with razor blades and an anatomy book and once with pliers and zip-ties. Then a few months ago the worst thing happened. We were arguing and he lunged across the room and started to choke me. I really believed I was going to die. He finally let go. That time, I ran straight to the phone and called the police. He was arrested, charged, and convicted. He is now in a court-ordered batterers program.

So that is the obvious "abuse" part that makes everyone believe he is an abuser. Recently, since he has started his classes, he comes home and tells me that he is learning what abuse is, and that I am just as much an abuser as him. He told me I have to admit it, and that if I don't then I'm crazy and deluded. And the fact is, I do often feel like I'm to blame, I'm at fault. Like for instance, if I hadn't yelled at him during our last huge fight, if I had left the room instead, he would not have come at me and started choking me. I feel like I was so upset at him I was continuing our argument, when I should have just dropped it. I do believe that I get *too* angry sometimes. My biggest problem is just letting things go, and holding grudges and so I keep the arguments going way past where they should go.

However - and this is a big however - I never outright verbally abuse him by the things I say. I never say demeaning things or call him names. I raise my voice or yell sometimes, which I think could be verbally abusive. But I have never, ever physically abused him in any way. So I feel like maybe I've been inadvertently emotionally abusing him all this time. Just because I have a hard time letting things go and I get angry when he sits around and does nothing for days at a time. Sometimes, I think that maybe me treating him badly has maybe stemmed from the mere fact that I have always seen him as better and smarter than me but that he has never shown me much respect. But I'm not sure.

Some other facts about our relationship which confuse me. I have two very good friends who at the beginning of my relationship witnessed him verbally abusing me. They didn't tell me they saw it, but apparently made mental notes to watch out for me because they were worried he would eventually turn physical. When I revealed to one of them about him choking me a few months ago, she told me she was not at all surprised and that she had been waiting for years for me to tell her something suspicious. Her telling me that definitely makes me feel like I, at the very least, did not start the abusiveness, even if I have abused him in some ways over the years.

The reasons I've never felt he respected me. I got pregnant before we were married. The night I became pregnant, he had his best friend over. They asked me to sleep with both of them, and I told them NO WAY. I said no several times. Over the course of the next few hours I did drink with them and became pretty drunk and high and at some point I decided that it would be a good idea to sleep with them both and I did. I never felt good about that incident afterwards, I felt like they kind of took advantage of me, and to this day it still really bothers me. I feel like he kind of pimped me out to his friend. We didn't even know who the father of my first child was until we had a paternity test done (it was a big secret... no one in my family or friends knew he might not be the dad). When I told my therapist this, she told me they raped me. I never saw it that way, and still don't feel comfortable calling it rape because I felt like I put myself in that situation. But still it feels like he didn't respect me, he should not have encouraged his friend to sleep with me because I did tell them no before I was drunk.

Other respect issues. I asked him if we could hyphenate the baby's last name until we were sure we wanted to get married. He blew up in my face, he was screaming at me, I started crying. He said no way was the baby going to have any last name other than his, especially since it was a boy. He said if it was a girl then maybe it would be different, but since it was a boy, he was going to have his last name. So I felt I had no choice. Then we got married at the courthouse. He asked me not to tell anyone because he didn't want to make a big thing of it or tell his family yet. Well, I really wanted to tell my mom, so I told her and she said, "ok I will be there!" I was so scared of telling him that I had told her. And when I did , he completely blew up at me again. He was so angry at me, and I was crying again, he said he was mad because now he had to tell his parents too and he didn't want them to be there but now he had no choice. It hurt me so bad, because I wanted my mom there but felt like it was wrong for me to want her there.

I also later came home once and he had another girl there. He swears nothing happened, but it raised my suspicions and I've always wondered what was going on there. Just overall, I felt like he's never respected me. When we do argue, he says I'm irrational and refuses to speak to me - I think that might be why I push him and try to keep talking to him, because I feel he just doesn't listen or care about my point of view.

And really, he is extremely, super smart. Everyone admires him, and I do too, and I have always felt like I don't deserve him, like I'm not good enough for him. And I do feel like if I never pushed him during arguments, the majority of the times he has hurt me physically would not have happened. So how can it not be at least partially my fault? If I change, and don't get so angry, then it wouldn't happen? Shouldn't I give him that chance? Especially now that he is taking his batterers course? Should I really walk away after all this time without giving him another chance? It seems like the physical things happen not often enough to really make me believe he couldn't stop. And he has promised me that he will never hurt me again. He says being arrested was a wake up call. And overall, things do seem like they've gotten better in the last few months. The last time he called me a b***ch was about a month ago, and he says that's not going to happen again.

So I keep telling myself I should keep trying. I will say though, that my biggest worry is that he may kill himself, and possibly me and the kids with him. He gets extremely depressed for long periods of time and has talked about suicide more times than I can count. I worry that if things truly got bad enough with his depression, that he might act on that. I worry more about that then him having some random act of physical violence. And about a year and a half ago I actually started having nightmares of him killing us . But he is in the middle of changing jobs, and he promises to go see a doctor about his depression once we have new insurance.

So, should I give him more chances? He does seem like he's mellowed out and is trying to not be mean to me, and I do feel like he is a good guy for the most part. And if I had a huge part to play in this, shouldn't I try to fix myself as well, and not expect him to do all the changing? And - should I admit to him that I'm an abuser as well?

Should you admit to him that you are an abuser too... In a word, no. Because you're not.
Ok, I don't know you personally, so I have to assume that there's nothing else to tell, and I'm not suggesting there is. I'm not saying I don't believe you, just that everyone here has what you've said to go on, so unless you behave like him and you've left that out, which I highly doubt, then you are NOT an abuser.
I'm sorry, you won't like this at all but I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat this. He is the only abuser in your marriage. He is manipulative and despite attending this therapy, he is still manipulating you and the situation. He is cleverly using this therapy to make you feel you have fault here and to justify his abuse of you. From what I've read before about it, he sounds like a narcissist.
I would actually get yourself and your kids as far away from him as possible. I don't feel you're safe, neither are your kids.
It doesn't matter whether he's laid a finger on you once, twice or fifty thousand times, it is still abuse and you haven't asked for any of it. No one has any justifiable reason to attack another person, unless it's self defence, which none of this is! You are NOT responsible for his actions, whether you've had the argument of the century, so what?! People argue, they get angry, they might shout, but that doesn't justify physical violence nor does it justify verbal abuse. The fact he is trying to convince you you should 'admit' that you are also abusive speaks volumes - he is not improving, except perhaps his skill of manipulation. This is what people like this do, they are experts at making you feel like you are to blame, that if you had just left the room they wouldn't have been forced to attack you, they're sorry, they'll never hurt you again... Until the next time they 'see red' and you have somehow caused them to batter you some more. It's never their fault. Always yours. Then come the crocodile tears. Don't fall for it, each time you forgive and then take the blame, you give them power and control over you. It's an endless cycle.
If you had written all this and said that he'd turned a corner, had accepted the blame was on him alone and he showed true remorse, then I might think perhaps he can change. BUT for me, too much water under the bridge, too much to put someone through, there has to be a line drawn at some point. He has shown no true remorse, he is still trying to blame you, using his therapy to manipulate you into thinking he has 'learnt' about abuse and abusers and that you are just like him! I'm sorry, but he is a disgusting human being with no respect for you. If you meant anything to him, he wouldn't have attacked you in the first place.
And as for the whole threesome thing, your therapist is right. He manipulated that situation, took full advantage of you, waited until you were drunk and then he and his mate degraded you in the worst way possible. You said 'no'. That does not mean yes. It does not mean wait till I'm drunk then take advantage. It wouldn't surprise me if part of the reason you went through with that was through fear of the consequences if you carried on refusing.
I've been through similar myself. I was with someone when I was younger, I was a teenager he was a grown man. He was violent. He was lovely at first. It was ALWAYS my fault. I shouldn't have said 'no', I shouldn't have had an opinion, I shouldn't have looked at him in the wrong way, I shouldn't have worn that makeup or that dress or that underwear etc. I shouldn't have existed, because he would've used any excuse to justify his violence, his nasty attacks, the times he head butted me in the face, the times he bashed my head into walls, the times he strangled me and made me think I was going to die. I can see now why I too, eventually stopped having a voice and after saying 'no' to sleeping with his friends in front of him, I was too terrified to suffer the consequences of having a right not to be abused and raped. I endured that for 18 months, a fraction of the time you've had to live with, I can't even begin to imagine how you are coping with this.
You don't owe him anything. But you owe yourself and your kids a happy, abuse free life. If you're that concerned he's going to harm himself, tell someone who can help him in that respect. But I would confide in friends and/or family and get help to get away from him safely.

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Wow - thank you so much for your reply and your words. I really have very few people to talk to. I talk to my therapist, and I usually come away from her feeling empowered and ready to change things... and then I talk to my husband and immediately start doubting everything again.

My therapist has told me several times that she believes he is a narcissist from what I've told her. So hearing another person say it as well does make me think he might have those tendencies, even if he's not a full-blown narcissist.

I appreciate hearing "it's not your fault". Of course my life is told from my perspective, and so it's possible I'm skewing everything and that the events are not being portrayed accurately. And I think that is what worries me deep down. I worry I'm missing something, that I'm abusing him in some way I can't remember or don't recognize and am just making excuses for my own behavior. But then I think about the facts. The facts are that he has definitely physically hurt me - on many occasions (verified by the police and courts!). He definitely has always cursed at me and called me awful names. Those two things I have never done.

And, when we do have arguments. I am virtually the only one coming back to him and telling him I'm sorry, I am always apologizing trying to get us back on good terms. I can only remember a very few times he has ever apologized. When he tells me I am doing something wrong or that he doesn't like something about me, I always try to fix it. I have always tried to do what I can to help us get along and to make him happy.

But over time, it seems like I just can't make him happy. It doesn't matter if I don't fight with him or if I do everything he asks, he just isn't happy. And I don't know what to do about it.

I asked my therapist if she thinks I'm an abuser, and how can I tell if I am one? She asked me if my husband is afraid of me, or if he feels intimidated by me. The answer, of course, is no. He isn't scared of me in the least. But I do get scared of him. And she said that is why he is the abuser and I am not. Because I am afraid of him. After one of the last arguments we had, I went to bed and heard him stomping around in the kitchen, and then heard him coming down the hallway. I got extremely tense and my first thought was, "I think he's coming to kill me." The next day I thought, why am I living with someone who I am worried is going to kill me after an argument?

But then I think, am I overreacting? Are my feelings rational? I mean, what are the chances he would actually kill me? I think I get hung up on that a lot, like that I'm just overreacting and over thinking things. And I am so worried of making a mistake. I worry that once I leave him, I won't be able to come back, and what if it's a mistake? What he goes for custody and wins the kids and I can't raise them? I would rather risk staying with him, than leaving him and have to leave the kids with him.

And I do wonder if he will change. But then I think even if he does change and isn't outright abusive ever again, I feel like there is still a deep lack of respect towards me (and women in general) and ill feelings towards me that won't go away.

I have all my emergency bags packed and ready to go. I have been so, so close to leaving. But something always holds me back and I haven't actually done it yet. It's like I keep waiting for something bad to happen to "prove" to myself that I shouldn't be with him.

I feel like my relationship with him looks like a typical abuse situation from the outside. But the way he talks and acts, I keep thinking he is different, he is going to change. But I keep doubting, and I do feel like I've caused it on some level.

His threats of suicide, everyone tells me that is just a manipulation tactic. I think they might be right some of the time... but other times I think he might actually do it. He does get so depressed, and I never know what to think or how to act around him when he is. And I did tell him that the next time he says he's going to kill himself, that I will be calling for help. He told me I better not tell anyone or "we will be done". So hopefully he doesn't do that again.

I'm so sorry that you went through an awful experience as a teenager. I'm glad you did eventually get out of it. It's amazing how these affect us so strongly, and it's so hard to deal with and get over them. I feel like if/when I leave my husband, it's going to take me years to get over all this pain and trust people again.

I'm sorry, I've only just seen your post as for some reason I didn't get a notification.
It's hard to talk about something like this, but the more you open up to people, the easier it gets. You're always welcome to PM me if you want.
The big problem is that you'll talk to your therapist and feel empowered, but then you're back there with your husband and that drags you back down. Because at this moment in time, he is able to control you and how you think. However, this is slipping because there was probably a point where you didn't feel empowered at all, and now you do.
I think everyone who's been through something like this thinks perhaps they're skewing things but it's really not the case.
The reality is he has physically harmed you on many occasion, he has made you fear him to the point you wonder if he might kill you, he has abused you sexually as well and allowed his friend to do that to you. He controls you. Convinced you its your fault or you should at least take some responsibility. You have to apologise to him after a row. You think it's you who needs fixing. It's not. You can't, and never will make him happy, or what you think is happy, because his happiness is having control and power over you. He enjoys this, enjoys making you think it's your fault, that you should try harder. He will continue to make you feel like this even more because this IS what he likes. He wouldn't be happy any other way because that would mean treating you as an equal, with the respect you deserve, not forcing you to live in fear and under his control. This is what it's all about for him - control. If things changed he'd not want to be with you, because he wouldn't be able to bully you.
Maybe he does have issues, but that is his problem. He has betrayed you on every level imaginable. It's not up to you to fix him even if he weren't abusive he would still have to do the work himself. You cannot support him because the trust isn't there for you which will stop you from being able to do that. And aside from that, why on earth should you! He is supposed to be your husband, the one person in this world you can always rely on, the person that loves, respects and cares for you, for better, for worse. He hasn't done that. I can tell that you took your vows seriously, but you've been fooled into thinking you've entered into an equal and loving partnership. That's not your fault. People like this prey on those they *think* are weak and vulnerable. You're not weak. No one is ever weak. They get broken down over months and years of torture. That doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong that you are still here struggling through despite everything he's put you through. You've got your bags packed. You know in your heart that this won't change, or you wouldn't have packed them. He can't get custody of your kids. You have reported him to police, they are all aware of him. I would seriously advise you report him for everything he's done to you. Although I do understand how hard that is and that not everyone chooses to do that for many reasons. But they're still aware that he is abusive, as is your therapist, as is the group or therapist he attends. I can't imagine anyone awarding him custody because those children need to be safe and that is with you, not him. You are their protective factor. Even if you don't want to press charges, can you at least ask police for help to get you and your kids safe? If you need their help.
They always give you 'signs' of change but it's false, it's just a lure so you won't leave. False security. Don't get trapped into that.
With regards to your concerns of him killing you, I can't reassure you that he won't. The thing is, there are far too many deaths as a result of domestic violence. The statistics are so incredibly sad. It's pretty devastating to think that they probably thought that person had changed, only for their lives to be cut short because they were in love with the idea of the changed person, but actually with the same, violent person. It's not their fault because these people are so good at manipulation and controlling your thoughts. I always think, get out before it's too late and if they really are going to change and are capable and want to, then they will apart from you. They'd prove they had changed, could be trusted first. At least you're already away and safe, if of course they don't change.
The threats of suicide probably are a manipulation tactic. And at the end of the day, if he's determined to kill himself then he will whether or not you're with him. It doesn't come down to you and it's not up to you. It's also not on to expect you to suffer this abuse just to keep him alive. He may as well be saying "if you don't let me abuse you, I'll kill myself". If a friend told you their partner said that to them, what would you say? You'd tell them to leave, you'd tell them they're worth more, and that the partner is simply trying to control them and frighten/guilt trip them into staying. It's almost a justification for abuse as well, because no doubt they'd say "well, you gave up your life to save mine"... This is NOT ok! Whether he's depressed or not, whether he makes an attempt on his life or not, doesn't make HIS abuse towards you ok. I would tell you to leave and inform someone of his suicidal intentions. That is what I would do now, if I ended up in this situation again.
You say you think if you leave, it'll take you years to get over this. To learn to trust again. Yes, you're right. No one can put a time limit on this as it's different for everyone, but it does take time. Healing takes time. Trust doesn't come easy. You tend to make people work that much harder to earn that privilege, which is totally understandable. Those painful memories never go, and it's not something you ever get over. But it is something that gets easier to cope with over time and with the right support and genuine love around you. Your kids are what will keep you sane, keep you here fighting. Lean on them. It's ok to say they're your little rocks of love and strength, as you are theirs, too.

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You are right that he has betrayed me on every level. It's amazing and humbling when I really think about it. I went through a checklist of physical/verbal/emotional/sexual abuse and tallied up what he has done vs what I have done. He has done about 80% of those things. The things I have done (that are on that particular list) are : throw a pillow across the room one time, yell, accuse him of being lazy, and bring up the past to use against him. He has done so, so many more of those things. I think he just has to be the primary abuser in our relationship.

One of my biggest fears of leaving is money. I haven't worked outside the home in 4 years and I am worried if a) I will even be able to get a good enough job to support us, b)looking for a job would be tough, because I would have to hide it from him - if he found out I was looking then he'd know I was leaving, c) he makes a lot of money, and both his dad and grandparents are extremely wealthy and I feel torn about surviving financially without them, d) because he and his family have so much more money than me I worry they will be able to get a good lawyer and he will somehow get full custody. I know those reasons sound lame, but money and my kids really concern me more than anything. I have to have my kids.

Something else that really bothers me. He sulks for days at a time, where he completely ignores me, won't answer any basic questions, let's me take care of EVERYTHING, kids, meals, etc., and he will just sleep. Its just so hard to deal with. I no longer confront him on it, because I want to avoid conflict, but it really upsets me. I always feel like he is so selfish and has no respect for me, or for the family, or spending time with his kids and showing them what a loving father would do. It just makes me sad.

I think you are right on with the signs of changing which gives feelings of security and hope. I feel like that describes our relationship perfectly. I feel like things are going better, but I find myself wondering how long it will last. I no longer trust things will stay good.

Thank you for your support and for talking to me. It really, truly is appreciated. I needed to talk to someone.

When you think about the things that you have done, they're all really normal things that most people do during heat of the moment. I threw a mushroom pie (it was a cold one) at my husband once! It wasn't exactly aimed at him, I was so angry I just threw what I had in my hand, which happened to be that, and didn't give a thought to what direction as such I just threw it. I think we've all accused partners of being lazy or of something and bringing up past stuff to use against them, it's just all angry stuff that gets said but it's not abusive because you are both aware that you're angry and don't actually hate each other. Most people will have a row followed by a period of cooling off followed by rational thought, then you both tend to apologise and things are ok. If there's stuff that needs discussing, you talk about it. But neither party becomes violent or mentally abusive. That's just normal arguing, clashing with each other etc. what you have done is just normal stuff that most people do. What he has done isn't normal. Which is why he is the only abuser in your marriage.
I understand why you're worried about money, it's not the be all and end all but you do need it to live. Is there anyone you can stay with while you look for work? You don't need to be wealthy to support yourself and your kids so don't focus on making huge amounts of money right now, just focus on finding work that will pay enough for you to get by because you can still look for something better. Even if he could get a top lawyer, that doesn't mean he will get custody of your kids. Not even a top lawyer can justify what he's done or prove the kids will be safe with him. Especially if you have evidence like the police and professionals involved already. And also if he makes threats of suicide that will go against him further because people will not see him as stable enough to look after the children. They will also see how he is trying to force you to stay with him, which proves even more what he's really like. I understand why you're worrying, but I don't think it's something you need to worry about. What about pressing charges? This would ensure I think that you could get away safely and with your children. It's absolute proof to anyone of what he's done and that he absolutely should not have custody of the children. People wouldn't think this was anything but true anyway but it's just more evidence to ensure yours and your children's safety as well as some sort of justice which you deserve. It's my opinion that anyone who does this should be punished because they need to know that it's wrong and can't get away with it. They shouldn't be allowed to do this, get away with it and probably do it again.
His sulking and ignoring you is just another form of control. He can sulk, swan around ignoring you, leave you to do everything and do what he wants, so it's like you're his slave rather than his wife. He does it because he can. Because he knows you fear him so knows you won't confront him. He is selfish, you're right! He doesn't care how he makes you feel and doesn't care about the kids because if he did, none of this would be happening.
Another point actually is I'm pretty sure when parents go to court over custody, the children's feelings are taken into account where they're old enough. So if they're old enough to voice clearly how they feel, and they know what's been going on (even if they haven't seen violence, they can still hear stuff, they can still see your unhappiness and fear and they can still pick up on a lot of things) then I would imagine they'd say that they'd rather live with you. It's important to make them aware that it's not about hurting anyone's feelings, they have to be honest and say they're afraid of dad or that they know he's treated mum really terribly and that it's ok to be honest. Even if he would be angry or hold it against them, they need to hear that he won't otherwise they'll be reluctant to be truthful. What you need is for them to feel safe enough to tell it exactly how it is, and if he throws his toys out of his pram and has a tantrum and holds it against them, well isn't that better that they know what he's like if that's the case? You're the one with their best intentions at heart here. You will be honest and if he was a wonderful dad but rubbish husband, I imagine you'd still allow him to be a dad. But if he's a rubbish dad as well, then you quite rightly should protect them from him.
That kind of brings me to make this point. You need to protect your kids. They are the most important thing in your life. Your own happiness and safety is just as important because they need you. They need you to be ok. Even if you don't do it for yourself, you need to leave with the kids, go somewhere safe, and get away from this for their safety and happiness. What if something happens? How would they manage? You are the single most important person to them, you are their entire world because you are their mum. Right now they are stuck in the middle of all this, even if you think they don't know, they probably do. Even if right now they're too young to understand, that doesn't matter because they are still aware of tension, fear etc. they will undoubtedly see at some point, if they haven't already, what he does to you. They run the risk of growing up thinking this is normal behaviour. Which means this awful cycle of abuse could end up staying with them throughout their lives. Even if this doesn't happen, their childhood memories will end up being unhappy memories they would rather forget. You love your kids, that's blatantly obvious. I know you don't want them to grow up around this, but you can't run the risk of staying just in case he changes. If he changes, brilliant. He can still show you this without living with you. But what if he doesn't? What if he never changes? It's not a risk worth taking for yourself and especially not children. You and the kids deserve a happy life without fear and without abuse being your reality and your 'normal'. It's not normal. It's not what healthy relationships are made of. They are made of love, respect, equality. You deserve that and your kids need to see that as well.

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PLEASE read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; it saved my life. Once you educate yourself as to what abuse is and what it does, you will have more clarity. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and will do and say anything to keep you under their control. CONTROL IS THE ISSUE. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted in their lifetime and it all begins with verbal abuse. you can contact the National Domestic Violence hotline;;Iam not sure if your t understands abuse. She/he needs to help you make a plan for leaving (if that is what you want). Abusers rarely change unless they spend a lot of time in therapy; they don't believe they have a problem and blame everything on someone else.

His classes aren't working when he is blaming you. If you stay you might end up a murder statistic. I hope you will call the Domestic Violence hotline and get help in order to leave (I know how scary it all is); I stayed for 31 years.

In other words get to a shelter and then.......figure out your next step.....hoping he won't kill you or the children is useless. It is like living with a wild animal/tiger.....and hoping it won;t attack you...you don't know when it will come,so you need to remove yourself and children from that danger....NOW. Your children are your first priority; if they could speak, they would beg you to leave; a shelter can help you make good decisions, but first you need to go there. DO NOT tell him you are an abuser; that is manipulative and a lie; he wants to make YOU responsible for HIS abuse.

You are NOT the abuser; HE is. You can't be his keeper; he is using emotional blackmail (suicide) to keep you there.

If you can't leave for yourself; leave for your children; find a shelter. If he kills you your children will have no mother. Your therapist should help you make a safety plan. Your children have only you to depend on and it is your responsibility to keep them safe; they are learning that abuse is acceptable.

You are in a very dangerous situation; when we are in it, we don't see how bad it is.

Stop responding to his abuse; that is what he wants...for you to continually explain yourself; abuser are emotional vampires and continually need their fix...they fix is you responding and by responding you validate their abuse/insanity. Abusers are narcissists; they don't care what you think or feel;; so you waste your breath responding. I know this because of experience and research. Abuse is a choice.....HE CHOOSES HIS BEHAVIOR.

Thank you for your responses... And everyone is so right about needing to leave for the kids. They are the best reason to leave.

It's so incredibly hard... But I will say I am much closer to leaving than ever before. I think part of my problem is that I listen to my husband, and he sounds so sincere and acts like he really wants to change... But then he also really seems to genuinely believe I am at least half the problem. And so if he truly believes it, some part of me believes it must be true as well. If it wasn't true, why would he believe it? But then I go over the abuse checklists, and it really seems biased towards him being way more abusive than me. And then I start going through the pros and cons of leaving vs staying, and finally decide the fact that I think he could kill us all if he was depressed and angry enough should, theoretically, override any other pros of staying. But my emotions are so tied up in all of it that I have a hard time letting myself agree with the logical thing to do. And then at the end of the day I'm so mentally/emotionally exhausted that I just feel so depressed, and so I just completely shut down and stop thinking about it. Which results in me being frozen and not acting at all for several days or a week... Until he says or does something that reminds me, and I start the whole exhaustive process over again.

And so that's when I reach out for help. I keep feeling the more I talk about it and the more support I get, the closer I will be to finally doing the "right" thing. But this is so hard.

Thank you for listening... And for reminding me I'm not responsible. It really means a lot. I really am working up the strength to do this.

Ask yourself this: if he truly believes you are an abuser too, he probably doesn't think he is abusive or that his abuse is well justified. You say some part of you believes he is right, so do you then believe he is not abusive or that it's acceptable? Because if you don't believe that, and you know his behaviour is wrong, then there's a much bigger part of you that know really you are not abusive and that he is lying.
You are not abusive. You are normal. You argue like any other person does. We ALL make mistakes and say things we regret. But those things are not abuse. What he is doing, is.
The post above yours is absolutely right. By staying, you are risking your life and your children's too. This doesn't make you a terrible person, so please don't think that. You have been worn down to this emotional state and that is HIS fault and his alone. Whether he believes it or not, whether he genuinely thinks you are abusive or not is completely besides the point. Abuse is incredibly draining, it's not surprising that you're exhausted and the easiest thing to do in a way, is to cling on to hope that things will change because you don't have to face leaving, you don't have to face feeling torn, you don't have to think. But it's temporary because as you say, this lasts until the next time he does something. It is an endless cycle and will continue to be until you act. You cannot help him, you cannot stop him, you can't change him or convince him to be a decent person. If he has genuine problems that he wants to address, he can do so away from you because you will always end up in the firing line. Your kids will suffer as well and probably already are suffering. None of this is at your hands, it takes a long time to build enough courage to leave but you're getting there. Don't give up. You are worth more than this and so are your kids. Let them be your focus. Ask your therapist for help. Ask her to find you a shelter if you don't have anyone you can stay with. Jobs and the rest of it will come but first you need to focus on getting out. One step at a time. There is help available to you and your therapist and possibly the police are the people who can help you with that. Can you look for shelters online? Without him knowing?
I know it's excruciatingly hard to do this. I was incredibly lucky in that my escape just randomly happened. At the right time, when he got fed up with me, so I knew that was the time I needed to get away from him. It wasn't the end of it, but it was the start to things in that respect getting better. It was a step in the right direction.
You will be ok. It doesn't seem it now, it all seems a confused mess but it will be ok. Don't leave it to chance, don't stick around to find out if he would go as far as to kill you, and possibly your kids. It happens too often. But even if he didn't go that far, and stayed abusing you as he does now, the rest of your life is a very long time to be like this, being beaten, bullied, torn to shreds. You can't live like this. You deserve so much more and so do your kids, they need their mummy to be ok.

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That is why it is so important to get support....Domestic violence hotline; they can help you. There is a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker; it states that "humans are the only animals that when they sense danger, they freeze and do nothing." An animal runs away at the first sign of danger (I don't consider us animals)....however that is so true. I stayed for 31 years thinking, hoping, etc.....what a waste of time. "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win." The best thing would be to find a shelter, get some help in figuring out how and what to do while you are in a safe place and don't have to worry about what might happen next. Please don't wait.

Nicoleflynn, 31 years is a long time. When I hear stories of women staying that long it makes me realize just how much time I could end up in this situation. You are right that the sooner I get out the better... I don't want to spend much more time hoping and believing that he will change, because I do believe it will turn into the rest of my life way too fast believe it or not, I only realized our relationship was abusive about a year ago..l when in reality is has been going on the whole time. I feel stupid because I was so naive. But since I've been aware, I am quickly realizing that things are not changing, and I keep telling myself that I am young enough to get out and still have my whole life ahead of me. It's not too late and I don't have to stick this out.

My husband is actually in the process of getting a job way far away from here (several states away), he has already passed heir 4 hour "test" and passed a phone interview, they are very interested in him and are now flying him out for an in-person interview. I am really terrified of just like "leaving", but I have talked to a friend here, and I think that after he accepts the job, and right before he's set to leave, I will just tell him I can't go with him due to the state of our relationship, and then go stay with my friend. I believe he will go anyway (at least that is the hope) because he really, really wants the job. I think that will be the easiest way for me to end this... To just not go with him.

My kids are 7 (boy), 5 (boy), and 2 (girl). I know they have seen some of this, although I've tried to shield them from most of it. My oldest son I worry about because my husband definitely kind of favors him over the others and I think he would not be happy that he won't see his dad as often.

So do you believe that him saying I have to admit that I'm an abuser too is him not taking full responsibility of what he's done and blaming me? Or is he taking some responsibility? I feel like he is just really against it being "all his fault". Like he just can't handle taking all the blame. As for me - I definitely believe what he has done is abusive, and no I don't think it is acceptable.

My therapist told me he could have killed me when he choked me out, that there are these small bones in your neck that if he pushed the wrong way, I would have been dead. She said most law enforcement aren't even allowed to use choking methods because of the risk of accidental death. So I told my husband what she said, and he got angry and said there is no way I would have died because he knew what he was doing. He was just making me pass out and he knew how to do it correctly. However, my throat swelled up so badly that I couldn't even swallow for 3 days - he really did hurt me. If he had known what he was doing, then I don't think I would have gotten hurt as badly as I did. Even his dad told me he had no right to put his hands on me, and that he has never practiced choking someone out before. But my husband says he just doesn't agree, and that that "yes, he was wrong to do it, but it wasn't that serious because he knew what he was doing". So that has bothered me, and I wonder if that is him still not wanting to take full responsibility. Sometimes I thi is he just hates himself for what he did so he has to make himself feel better by believing it wasn't really that bad and he knew what he was doing.

i didn't read all the responses so perhaps someone has said this but: you're both adults. to blame yourself for not having enough control to leave the room when you're angry might be an obvious reaction to you but the fact that is that your husband is a grown adult too and responsible for his own actions and the fact that he won't leave the room to protect you and then says he was deliberately trying to choke you long enough to make you pass out (as an actual thought out plan and not some blind rage...) the fact that he says he's in his right mind while attacking you seems very scary to me
and even if he hates himself for doing it and is saying it for that reason: no excuse. he's an adult, i know five year olds who won't own up to hurting someone and i'll give them a pass... but a full grown man has had a lifetime (9 years of just being married)
all i can say is that you're not overreacting and i hope you find help and answers here

That is a very chilling thought... I hadn't thought of it that way before. But you are right.

I do remember thinking a similar thing the day he locked me out of the house (after he had slammed me against the wall and threatened to crush my face in) and started throwing my favorite things out at me, one by one. He had taken pliers and other tools to them and had destroyed them beyond recognition, and he would unlock the door every couple minutes and throw another one of my collectibles at me. It broke my heart. It wasn't like he was in a momentary rage and just throwing my stuff around in the moment... It was actually calculated and he went through the house destroying the things he knew meant the most to me. I remember thinking... Who does that to someone? What type of civil person does that to someone they love? I would NEVER break his things - for one because I'm not that type of person, and for two, I know there is no way I would get away with it. Another thought I had that day was that I felt like I never should have shown him what was important to me... Because he later used that to hurt me more.

And then later that day (after he let me back in the house) was when he told me he was going to kill himself and locked himself in the bathroom for 4 hrs with razor blades and an anatomy book. Looking back, I realize I should have called for help... But at the time I was so distraught and upset I didn't know what to do. And then I remember the next day I hesitantly tried to tell him that it really hurt that he had broken all my things. And he went off on me about how selfish I am and all I care about are my things, that he was about to kill himself and I was more concerned about my things than I was about his life.

I remember being so confused and hurt... He had broken my things because he wanted to hurt me right? But then he was saying I was selfish for feeling hurt and that I was supposed to only care about his life...? That whole thing hurt me so badly. It was after that fight that I started having nightmares of him killing me. It took months before I stopped thinking about it all the time. And I still didn't recognize it was abuse... I feel so stupid that I didn't realize it.

But both times, he was consciously making the decision to do what he did... It is deeply concerning when I think about it like that. Very scary. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

Please don't feel stupid. I think the majority of people who suffer abuse don't realise it's abuse at first. I didn't. He twisted my mind so much, through fear and constant brainwashing with "if you REALLY loved me, you'd do anything for me" followed by saying he loved me THAT much he would kill me. It was really messed up and he was the only person I had at the time, I knew I didn't want to be hurt or abused in any way at all, and I said "no" when he wanted me to do stuff with his mates, but through fear and the thought that I should prove myself I didn't quite realise. Couldn't take it in. I split myself off from reality, anywhere but where I actually was, to cope. It didn't hit me how abusive, and dangerous he was for a long time. It took me almost seven years to report him and his mates. So do NOT feel stupid.
It's absolutely terrifying to read that he claims he knew what he was doing. It was all carefully planned out in his head as far as he's concerned. You really, really need to get out. I know you think it's easier to wait for him to take his job, but if you can do it sooner do it. He might stay if you tell him. He has gone to lengths to control you, even manipulating you into thinking it's your fault too, who's to say given the chance he will do whatever it takes to keep you with him. If you give him a chance by telling him, who knows what he'll do. Think carefully about this, but if you can find a way out sooner, don't hang around.

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Are you ok?

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He wants you to say YOU are abusive, so he can continue to blame and shame you.

Yes, he could have killed you. It is a good idea to STOP talking to him about anytthing about emotions/behavior, etc....he doesn't care about you or the children. If he did, he would get into counseling for HIMSELF. In other words, STOP trying to get him to be logical and get help to change; he doesn't believe he is abusive. Your job is to protect your children from any more abuse; get a safety plan in place and a plan how to leave; your therapist should be familiar with that and help you. Call the domestic violence hotline; they can help you also.

NO, he is NOT taking responsibility for his abusive behavior and ALL behavior is a choice. NO one should ever choke anyone. He assaulted you. You could have filed charges.

He is justifying choking you by saying he knew what he was doing........No responsibility for his horrific behavior. Don't tell him you are leaving/planning to leave, anything of any importance;; he will use it against you. CONTROL is at the forefront of all abuse; you need to leave when he is not there....again you need a plan to leave safetly; The National Domestic Violence hotline can help (make sure and call them when he isn't around). http://www.thehotline.org/help/

Neptune83 - I am okay, thank you. I appreciate everything you have said and you have given me a lot to think about.

I feel lost. And I don't feel strong enough to do anything a lot of the time. It seems like I go up and down everyday and I never know how I am going to feel about doing anything.

I am seeing my therapist again today and I plan to bring my list of everything "abusive" I have done and he has done and talk to her about it.

She has already had me come up with a safety plan and I have all mine and the kids emergency bags packed. I have a place to go (a friend my husband doesn't really know... and probably wouldn't even think to look for me there) in case I need to leave immediately.

The last few weeks he has become extremely affectionate... it's so confusing to me. I wonder if he's only doing it so that when he gets a job far away I will feel compelled to go with him. And then I feel like I'm making a huge deal out of everything. He seems to think I need to just forget about the past and move on and forgive already. I do not feel like I'm over any of the stuff that has happened, but I'm wondering if I should be. He seems annoyed that I'm distant... but truthfully I'm just pulling back and trying not to engage with him lately. It has been one month since we've had any real argument (he called me an ungrateful b***ch and told me to f*** myself 3 times). I planned to leave him after that for sure. But then 2 weeks after the fact he apologized. So I've been wrestling with whether I accept the apology... or more importantly can I trust he won't do it again?

It has been 4 months since the choking incident. And he says THAT will never happen again and that I am safe with him. But again, I kind of have just stopped talking to him about any of this stuff because I don't think he really takes all that much responsibility for it. It's like he will only agree that he is at fault if I agree that I'm at fault as well.

Anyway, I'm going to see my therapist in a little while. I always feel better and more empowered after talking to her, so we will see. She seems to think I should just leave him already, but she won't actually tell me to leave him because I don't think that's the right thing to do as a therapist. But I can tell that's what she believes.

I too was in an abusive relationship. I met this "man" after having a child pass away, and I got really caught up in drugs (heroin and oxycontin.) Hr didn't know me when I had my baby, he didn't know me when I was pregnant. So when he looked at me, it wasn't with the sad eyes that everyone else looked at me with. He was here for work. I knew in my heart, that he wasn't going to be good for me, but when it was time for him to go home, I went with him. Not for love. That was a mistake I made. I felt like if I didn't leave the small town I lived in, didn't get away from the people I was associating with, I would never be able to get clean and function as a normal person. So yes, I used him to an extent. But I've come to realize that he also latched onto me at that point in my life because I was easily manipulated. The first signs of abuse were the lies. Maybe that itself isn't abusive, but that's how it started. He'd lie to me about money, making me think he had more than he really did. And if we weren't living together, if I wasn't dependent on him, it wouldn't have mattered if he had money or not. But I wasn't aloud to work. I wasn't aloud to provide for myself. Because he knew if I had money, I would be able to get myself out from under his thumb. The physical abuse started when I was pregnant. He pushed me down the stairs. That night I called the police, but I let him convince me not to go through with charges. "If I go to jail I'll lose my job." It got worse when we moved out of his parents house. And by move, I mean we were kicked out because his mom finally stood up to him and wouldn't allow him to manipulate her any longer. We lived in a hotel for a year. I wasn't aloud to speak to any of the other guests. He would pick my clothes out in the morning before he left for work. I wasn't aloud to wear anything too provocative. I justified staying with him because of our child. I had no way to raise and support our child without him. I finally gained the strength to leave him, for our child. He had attempted to kill me while our toddler son looked on. I left him that night. I waited at the airport for six hours. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But abusers latch onto weaknesses that everyone has. They amplify them to the person they are abusing. You have to remember that you are strong. You are stronger than your abuser. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally. And once you do leave, its so easy to realize how strong you really are. How capable you really are. And most of their threats, they aren't capable of. He threatened to take my child from me, knowing it would be the most devastating thing he could do to me. Its been a year since he's seen out son, and probably three months since he's spoken to him.

Tl;dr
You are always stronger than your abuser, and life is so much better when you get out of the situation.

I think all this behaviour from him is just false to get you to take the blame and stay with him.
Also, he says it'll never happen again but yet when he married you that in itself was a promise to love and protect you and treat you with respect and decency, of which he's done no such thing.
I know it's very simple for anyone to say, but what everyone is saying is right. You can't trust him. If you have a place arranged and your bags packed, you really need to do yourself and your kids a favour and leave. It's really the only sensible and safe thing you can do now.
I hope your therapist appointment goes well today.

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Also, may I point out that you say you feel empowered when you see your therapist, imagine how much more empowered you will feel by taking control of your life and leaving, knowing that you have done the best, safest and most admirable thing anyone could do in your situation.
You're focusing on how scary it will be, how distressing and stuff, but the reality will likely be very different. Once you've got through that first hurdle, you'll feel a new strength you didn't think you had, you'll have control, freedom, safety and a huge weight from years of abuse will be lifted and you'll finally be able to breathe. They are all really positive things. Focus on those. Not any sadness or regrets or fears, sod those! They're put upon you by him. Leaving lets all of that go.

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I've been thinking a lot, and I agree that I should leave. I'm still getting up the nerve.

Every time I think through things, I always come back to the fact that my trust has been broken. Not just like once or twice, but dozens of times - in horrible ways. I just don't think I will ever be able to fully forgive him or trust him again. And so, because of that, I think I should leave because it's not fair to myself, to him, or to our kids for me to stay with him and stay unhappy.

I made a list of all the reasons I am staying with him. My therapist said next week she is going to go through each one with me and we are going to decide which ones are "real" reasons to stay, and which ones I should cross off the list and stop using as reasons.

My husband now has 3 job offers (two in different states, and one about 3 hrs from where we currently live). He told me this morning that he is now having to fill out their applications and they ask him point-blank if he's been convicted of anything. Which he has just recently, so now he's worried they will rescind the offers once they find out. I am hoping he gets one - so he will leave.

Hi,
I'm so sorry I'm only just replying! I use Tapatalk and lately it's not been giving me notifications, so I didn't realise you'd posted this above. How are you? I hope you're ok.

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Hi Neptune83. Thanks for asking. Yes I am doing well. I mean I'm still in the same place, but he hasn't accused me of being an abuser in several weeks and he's been really nice to me recently, so that helps.

My husband is interviewing for jobs all over the place, and he's flying out of state for an interview next week. He said something about needing to know if I'm planning on moving with him when he gets a job somewhere. I told him I can't shake this feeling that he's going to try to get revenge on me someday. He said he had no idea why I would feel that way and that he's not planning anything. I told him I'm scared to death of moving out of state with him, far away from everyone I know, and then having something bad happen and me being stuck there. And then he said I won't be stuck there and he will let me move back if I want to. I said, "what about the kids? I can't leave my kids there?" He said I can take them with me. Then he said that he's already decided that if I'm NOT moving with him, then he thinks he'll just give me full custody because he doesn't want to raise 3 kids on his own. He said he would be content just flying back and forth once or twice a month to see them occasionally.

That really made me feel good. Like I'm hopeful that he means it, because I just have to have my kids with me, and I don't want a fight over it. I hope he really will just let me keep them, it would make everything so much easier! But then I wonder if he's only saying that to make me feel good and thinks I will be more likely to go with him then. I just don't know if I trust his words. But, it's a start.

Anyway, I hope all is going well in your world, too!

I was in a totally dysfunctional marriage. I had grown up with totally dysfunctional parents. I reacted to my H's dysfunction after so many years with anger & the reactions of both ended up exploding by the end of 33 years together.

The thing is that no matter what your reaction is to your H & your behavior.....you are in a dysfunctional marriage that isn't working for either of you & for both of your well beings.....you both need to leave the marriage & end it.

There comes a point where there is so much damage done & so many bad feelings that have been built up that in reality, there is NO SAVING THE MARRIAGE.....& it there was by some miracle....it would have to be after a long separation period where you could both get your acts together.

There are times when pushed too far that you can't help but have bad reactions so to blame yourself for being abusive because of the situation you have had to live with for so long is just plain wrong.

I know for me, 2100 miles of distance & my own place gave me a much clearer picture of what was going on & even what had been going on. I had no idea that my suicide attempts were because of the bad marriage...I thought they were because of my loss of my engineering career & my loss of identity...but after getting away & being able to seriously analyze what had been going on, I realized the REAL TRUTH of what was going on with my emotions & my reactions.

I don't like laying blame on others for my actions.....but it's important to acknowledge EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON.

I am sure that's the case for you also.

I haven't read all the details of what you have gone through, just skimmed over.....but I truly think that you need to get out so that you can see your life more clearly.....only after doing that & fixing anything that you truly have found to be a problem with yourself can you honestly even think about going back to a broken marriage & trying to fix it also......& if your H hasn't done anything to make any changes.....don't bother going back....it will be a waste of your time & you will only end up in a worse situation than you have already found yourself.

After being married for 33 years to a very dysfunctional H who we both ended up abusive to each other but he became more physical than I did. He started off our marriage with sarcasm & putting me down....I was getting my degree & had a better GPA in college than he did & his IQ might have been high but he didn't have a lick of common sense...so I put an end to the sarcasm basically giving him the ultimatum...stop or get out!!!!. The thing is that living with him for 33 years before I left, it has taken me 7 years to get through what I went through & it was NOTHING compared to what you have gone through. It's taken me time to realize that it wasn't me that caused the problems & that any normal person would have reacted probably worst toward him than I did. I honestly have no desire to ever get married EVER again.....but I'm realizing because I am surrounded by wonderful NORMAL friends, just what NORMAL people are really like.

I remember everyone telling me that I couldn't leave my problems because they would just follow me & leaving wouldn't fix anything.....BUT.....& this is HUGE.....as soon as I left, this feeling of peace covered me. I didn't have to fight any longer & even though things came up & I would look after myself & defend myself if I needed to but I found that I no longer had to fight for everything....& all of a sudden, I realized that it was my reactions to the situation & NOT MY BEHAVIOR that was causing me to react the way I was. The behavior that I felt like had been me for so many years was NO LONGER a part of me. I realized that if it had been the real me, I couldn't have gotten rid of it so quickly & it would have still been who & what I was......but peace & calm & relating to others with peace & calm was the REAL ME.

It takes a while to experience who you really are after leaving someone who has been abusive.... or in my case so dysfunctional that his behavior came across as abusive & they the blow up's would end up being abusive on both our parts.

It was such a wonderful relief to be away from him...it was like I felt this freedom that I had NEVER felt in my life as I went from living with dysfunctional parents who I fought with because of their behavior to a totally dysfunctional H who I fought with because of his behavior......to a totally peaceful life, & getting along with the wonderful people who were now in my life. I moved 2100 miles away to a place where I didn't know anyone & have met the most wonderful awesome people.....& started life completely over. I could do that because our daughter was adult & out of the house so there was nothing that kept me from leaving the state that I had been born & raised in.

Starting life over is the most amazing & wonderful feeling. I remember standing in the kitchen after I went grocery shopping for the first time in my new home & thinking....all the food I bought is what I LIKE & nothing that he liked. Food issues were something from the beginning.....he wouldn't eat so many foods that I liked....so I had to fix foods that he liked even on the days that I could fix food that I liked.....but the foods that he cooked were always something that I liked because I wasn't a picky eater....so I was always the one that had to bend to his likings even when it was something that I was supposed to be doing for myself. It was such an empowering feeling to have my kitchen filled with ONLY FOOD THAT I LIKED & everything that he wouldn't eat.....Yes, I was making my first statement of freedom. Seven years later I'm still working in therapy sorting through the past issues & how they show in my life now.....even from my childhood & it will take many more years I'm sure.....& maybe some day there will be a guy that doesn't raise all the red flags warning me not to get involved...but until then...I am happy alone with my eskie dogs who are wonderful & my great friends who are truly a wonderful support.....friends I never had before because of my dysfunctional H.....& even as an engineer & having the acquaintances I had through my work, there was never any close friends that were possible. I never thought about it until I started having friends after I left my marriage because my parents never had friends either....so I thought that was NORMAL. But growing in reality, I'm finding that nothing in my previous life time was at all normal & that my fighting was more for the desire for normal than it was for anything else.....we fight for the things we know are wrong in our life.....& we are NOT DOING IT OUT OF ABUSE we are doing it out of SELF-DEFENSE.

He already has been arrested for abuse....that is ON his record. I would think he would have a difficult time with that on his record of ever getting permanent custody no matter how good of lawyers they get. If need be, you might also end up going to a shelter the next time he does anything abusive that way you have even more proof of his behavior to use in the divorce for your kids safety.

Hmmm... I would say those words are to make you feel comfortable and happy to stay with him, rather than as a green light from him that you can leave and it'll all be fine and he'll not do a thing about it. I may be wrong, but I don't know it's like a big warning sign flashing in your words. You know what I wouldn't even tell him I was leaving, I would just leave one day when he's not home, take the kids, leave a note to explain why if you need to but I'd not say where I'd gone. You can arrange him seeing the kids later on but I would suggest supervised visits with them until he can prove he's not got any nasty intentions.
It really, really concerns me that his words have made you feel safe, as I would imagine this was exactly his aim. Be careful, please be safe.

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