molested....

this is not a fun thing to write about, at all.....I know I was molested as a very young boy. How do I know? My sexual ways are completely messed up........my pattern is always the same - I want to be in a relationship, I find someone, I am sexually attracted......then we have sex once, maybe twice....and then I lose all my sexual attraction to her. I used to think it was because I was gay but now I don't feel that that is true. From my reading, I believe I was sexually molested by an adult male when I was one or two years old.........wow, how I wish for revenge - but I think that the person in question (a friend of my parents') is dead now. Doesn't matter. Though yes, I do wish for vengeance......vengeance now that can never happen. It is VERY hard to suddenly not want to have sex with my girlfriend......what to say? I never know. I read once that a man who was also screwed as a boy couldn't have sex with his girlfriends/wife because the thought of doing something so dirty and reprehensible with someone he cared about was impossible......that's what I have, I think. I used to be great at wonderful one-night stands......it was good because I dodn't know the person (and I was usually a bit drunk)........we could have sex and then part ways forever. Only if and when the girl wanted to "see me again" did things get bad. I could "see" her but the desire for sex that was so strong before was now diminished somehow. Sad. Painful. Painful to the both of us..........my wife and I are separated now. I have explained to her about all this but she can't really see it.....she thinks that I am personally rejecting her......I sort of understand that......but it's just not true. I know the truth. I lust after women 50 times a day......but cannot bring that sexual feeling home in bed with my own wife........OK, thanks for listening.

So sorry to hear you were abused as a child. No one should have to go through that.

Abuse does not wreck a person for life, but the feelings of being abused can come out in the intimacy of a sexual moment. That is when there is an opening of feelings.

When there is a history of abuse, then the opening that happens allows the suppressed feelings surrounding abuse to come out and the natural response is to suppress them again. In this suppressed mode, having open feelings with another human being is difficult to impossible. Therapy can help.

A therapist that specializes in sexual abuse can help over time to heal the wounds and allow natural feelings to bubble up again.

There is hope but self medicating with alcohol cannot give a lasting relief that a professional therapist can bring over time.

Hugs Lark

I hear you, I'm a man also and can relate to lusting after a woman and then it not always working in the bedroom. I went through phases too that I thought I was gay like you, I would 'shut down'. But I'm not gay, like you I experienced sexual abuse as a child. This had done major damage to my adult sexuality. As the other reader says, you will need therapy as it is the only thing that can help you work through the abuse and then heal. I hope this helps.

PH

lark265- I know where this comes from and it doesn't have to be. I do love women but I'm too afraid of not performing well enough. I also happen to be bisexual. It's all so confusing that it just seems to be more than it's worth.