[lizzy3093]

Hi everyone,

I know this is a long post but I'm going through a confusing time right now and was wondering if anyone was able to give me some guidance. I've been starting to question lately if it's possible that I was sexually abused when I was a child. I don't have any memory of this happening but I've struggled with issues my whole life and it all seems to point to something like that having happened to me. I'll list the problems I've been experiencing:

- The thought of having sex or being intimate with someone scares me a lot. I've only had sex once, with my ex-boyfriend, and there wasn't a single thing about the experience that I enjoyed. My body tensed up and I switched off emotionally, and I felt uncomfortable the entire time. My sex drive is also completely non-existent. When I had sex, my thought process was "just get it over and done with" and the only way I felt like I could go through with it was if I was drunk. I only ever feel like I can get close to men when I'm drunk.
- I have vaginismus. This made sex painful and my pap smear was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.
- I have a lot of feelings that sex/sexuality is dirty and shameful and I feel self-conscious and exposed when I'm naked, even when I'm alone.
- I've had very few relationships and they haven't lasted long, I'm always the one that ends it and it's like I always try to find an excuse to leave and push the other person away. I feel apprehensive around men and see any pursuit as a violation against me.
- I find it difficult to trust people and I have trouble expressing my emotions and talking about how I feel. I completely shut down when someone confronts me or wants to talk about anything to do with me or my feelings. I also find it difficult to accept other peoples' help and establish an emotional connection.
- I have suffered from eating disorders and still struggle with binge eating and compulsive eating. I carry extra weight as a form of protection, I'm scared that being thin/attractive will make men pay more attention to me and make me more vulnerable.
- I don't like being touched or hugged and I tense up whenever physical contact is initiated. Even when my mother hugs me I instantly want to pull away. I also hate people touching my hair and will even feel angry if someone touches me when I don't want them to. I'm very private and defensive about my body and my personal space and feel violated if someone invades that.
- I've been diagnosed with depression and I have made a suicide attempt. I've tried for years to grow and improve myself and work through my issues but I feel like no matter what I do, I can't move forward with my life. I feel like something is weighing me down and I don't know what that is.
- I was a very shy and withdrawn child, I would only speak when spoken to and found it hard to make friends because of my lack of confidence. I was scared to leave my mother a lot and would often cry without any explanation. I had several bladder/urine infections when I was little and I can remember going to hospital to have testing done for this. I've always felt disconnected from my body and had feelings that I'm different or not normal.
- For as long as I can remember I've felt unattractive and worthless. I've spent my entire life trying to make other people happy and I'm constantly trying to be perfect and seek approval from everyone around me. I have difficulty saying no and am constantly afraid of doing something wrong or making someone angry. I'm the most loyal friend ever, I'll do everything in my power to help other people but will neglect myself and refuse help from anyone.
- I started watching pornography and masturbating at quite a young age and I can remember making my dolls have sex with each other.
- I have several memories of feeling sore in my genital area (this could be related to my bladder/urine infections) and can remember complaining to my mother that I was sore down there.
- I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood. I have more vivid memories of being at school but I find it hard to remember birthdays, christmases etc. and things that happened when I was younger than 7.

I have a very vague memory of feeling the sensation of someone's fingers in my genital area, and feeling pain. However I don't know if this memory is real or if I'm imagining it. A big part of me is saying that I was abused but another part of me is questioning everything - i don't want to put ideas into my head of things that never happened. Has anyone else experienced repressed memories? I can't seem to move forward with my life and be happy, and the issues I've struggled with don't seem to correspond with the life I've had - I have supportive parents and had a good childhood, nothing overly traumatic ever happened to me apart from my parents divorcing when I was 12. I have contacted a therapist so hopefully they can help me get to the bottom of all of this.

Hoping that someone can give me some guidance. Thanks for reading

Laura

[Open Eyes]

Hi lizzy3093, welcome to PC. It was a good decision to find a therapist to help you with this challenge. There are some disorders where individuals don't want to be intimate and they really don't like being affectionate or receiving physical affection. So, you may not have been sexually abused. It is also not unusual to not remember a lot of one's childhood either, but only remember "some" things.

Originally Posted by lizzy3093

Hi everyone,

I know this is a long post but I'm going through a confusing time right now and was wondering if anyone was able to give me some guidance. I've been starting to question lately if it's possible that I was sexually abused when I was a child. I don't have any memory of this happening but I've struggled with issues my whole life and it all seems to point to something like that having happened to me. I'll list the problems I've been experiencing:

- The thought of having sex or being intimate with someone scares me a lot. I've only had sex once, with my ex-boyfriend, and there wasn't a single thing about the experience that I enjoyed. My body tensed up and I switched off emotionally, and I felt uncomfortable the entire time. My sex drive is also completely non-existent. When I had sex, my thought process was "just get it over and done with" and the only way I felt like I could go through with it was if I was drunk. I only ever feel like I can get close to men when I'm drunk.
- I have vaginismus. This made sex painful and my pap smear was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.
- I have a lot of feelings that sex/sexuality is dirty and shameful and I feel self-conscious and exposed when I'm naked, even when I'm alone.
- I've had very few relationships and they haven't lasted long, I'm always the one that ends it and it's like I always try to find an excuse to leave and push the other person away. I feel apprehensive around men and see any pursuit as a violation against me.
- I find it difficult to trust people and I have trouble expressing my emotions and talking about how I feel. I completely shut down when someone confronts me or wants to talk about anything to do with me or my feelings. I also find it difficult to accept other peoples' help and establish an emotional connection.
- I have suffered from eating disorders and still struggle with binge eating and compulsive eating. I carry extra weight as a form of protection, I'm scared that being thin/attractive will make men pay more attention to me and make me more vulnerable.
- I don't like being touched or hugged and I tense up whenever physical contact is initiated. Even when my mother hugs me I instantly want to pull away. I also hate people touching my hair and will even feel angry if someone touches me when I don't want them to. I'm very private and defensive about my body and my personal space and feel violated if someone invades that.
- I've been diagnosed with depression and I have made a suicide attempt. I've tried for years to grow and improve myself and work through my issues but I feel like no matter what I do, I can't move forward with my life. I feel like something is weighing me down and I don't know what that is.
- I was a very shy and withdrawn child, I would only speak when spoken to and found it hard to make friends because of my lack of confidence. I was scared to leave my mother a lot and would often cry without any explanation. I had several bladder/urine infections when I was little and I can remember going to hospital to have testing done for this. I've always felt disconnected from my body and had feelings that I'm different or not normal.
- For as long as I can remember I've felt unattractive and worthless. I've spent my entire life trying to make other people happy and I'm constantly trying to be perfect and seek approval from everyone around me. I have difficulty saying no and am constantly afraid of doing something wrong or making someone angry. I'm the most loyal friend ever, I'll do everything in my power to help other people but will neglect myself and refuse help from anyone.
- I started watching pornography and masturbating at quite a young age and I can remember making my dolls have sex with each other.
- I have several memories of feeling sore in my genital area (this could be related to my bladder/urine infections) and can remember complaining to my mother that I was sore down there.
- I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood. I have more vivid memories of being at school but I find it hard to remember birthdays, christmases etc. and things that happened when I was younger than 7.

I have a very vague memory of feeling the sensation of someone's fingers in my genital area, and feeling pain. However I don't know if this memory is real or if I'm imagining it. A big part of me is saying that I was abused but another part of me is questioning everything - i don't want to put ideas into my head of things that never happened. Has anyone else experienced repressed memories? I can't seem to move forward with my life and be happy, and the issues I've struggled with don't seem to correspond with the life I've had - I have supportive parents and had a good childhood, nothing overly traumatic ever happened to me apart from my parents divorcing when I was 12. I have contacted a therapist so hopefully they can help me get to the bottom of all of this.

Hoping that someone can give me some guidance. Thanks for reading

Laura

Hi. I am really sorry to hear of your struggle. Your description describes me to a T, but I was sexually abused & do remember. Seek out a therapist. It's not an easy journey, so be ready for a roller coaster ride. Good luck. Xxx

[sideblinded]

lizzy3093, Hello and welcome to PC. The other posters have given you some good pointers. I was sexually abused as a child and I only have vague memories of some of the things that you describe. My stepfather exposed himself to me and I do remember that but the other stuff is so vague. I agree that a therapist is the only way to reach any answers as this subject is a difficult one.

It takes a little while for your first 5 posts to appear as they are first in moderation.

I want to make sure that you feel welcome here and let you know that if you have any questions about navigating this site you can contact any community liaison or moderator. I wish you the very best here at PC. Please keep reaching out in your life and here as well. Regards.

[lizzy3093]

Thanks everyone It's been hard thinking about it all lately and it's starting to scare me that my gut feelings may be correct. I seem to fit all the criteria for someone who has suffered a childhood trauma. I have contacted a therapist and will hopefully have an appointment soon where I can try and get some answers.

Thank you all x