[angelicgoldfish05]

This is from another thread but I started a new one cause I didn't want to ask my question in the middle of their thread... There was a reply on their thread that said:

Originally Posted by gooddolphin

I think feeling guilty for having sexual desires can easily be a byproduct of abuse, along with fantasizing about being abused.

Is this true? The fantasizing about being abused part? Because for the longest time I did that and did not know why. It felt wrong to want that when so many have been through hell and would take it back if they could. Why would I want that? For example, I used to fantasize that my ex-therapist would drug me and take advantage of me, because of the power dynamic and he was older than me. I used to fantasize about being raped when I was a young kid but did not think anything of it. I don't have any memories or experiences of being abused either. Then when I was a teen I made up a story that I was raped. I am pretty certain it never happened but some parts of it could be real I guess. But I would really remember all that happened and I made it up. My memory is very unreliable but you would really remember something like this happening wouldn't you? So where would it come from? My ex-therapist said it made sense though, when I finally came clean about lying about it. I'm not sure what he meant by that either. Why would it have made sense? He didn't say anymore about what he meant by that.
Maybe I just don't remember? But I would remember, right? What the **** is wrong with me? Feel free to post all sorts of hateful things to me for feeling this way with all you have probably actually been through...

[CANDC]

It is hard to remember the past at any age especially if trauma occurred. I am sorry you feel there is something wrong with you and that you want people to post hateful things. No one deserves that treatment. Loss of self esteem is one of the after affects of abuse. I understand but know you deserve better than criticism.

You were only a kid when abuse happened. No one should have to go through that.

Maybe your therapist is being honest by saying only what they can given the situations of abuse you mention.

[ThisWayOut]

memory can be a shifty thing. there are things that in general point to a possibility of abuse having happened...
i used to imagine similar things, though for me it turns out there was foundation to it. there were also other "signs" that now make total sense after the abuse was confirmed...
I still don't really remember it, but others do. we can block things out pretty effectively sometimes.
and I agree with candc, you don't deserve hateful/hurtful things written...
everyone does thigns for reasons they may or may not understand at the time. go easy on yourself.

[eunoia535]

If you go to pandys.org you will find a good article on rape fantasies. (I can't post a link yet. )

I used to fantasize about being kidnapped and raped when I was a kid. No idea why I would. Tho i do know there was childhood sexual abuse but i remember very little of it. What is weird about this is that 20 some years later I still remember what the house looked like and every detail in it. The layout, colour of the sofa, wallpaper, where the bedroom was and what the kitchen looked like and the lighting, and the dark bedroom. ): etc. If I ever walked into a house like that I would lose my mind! :0)

[Ruftin]

I recently realized I am a victim of sexual abuse. Never even thought of putting it on my profile until about a week ago. As a child spent time in foster homes and a children's home where male kids would touch inappropriately, and later in middle school was attacked by an adult man who tried to rape me, but he was not successful, I got away. For some reason I have always associated only rape as sexual abuse, but the light came on in my little brain and said you don't have to be raped to experience sexual abuse. Yes I used to fantasize the way you do. I would categorize it as, being robbed of your innocence.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by eunoia535

If you go to pandys.org you will find a good article on rape fantasies. (I can't post a link yet. )

I used to fantasize about being kidnapped and raped when I was a kid. No idea why I would. Tho i do know there was childhood sexual abuse but i remember very little of it. What is weird about this is that 20 some years later I still remember what the house looked like and every detail in it. The layout, colour of the sofa, wallpaper, where the bedroom was and what the kitchen looked like and the lighting, and the dark bedroom. ): etc. If I ever walked into a house like that I would lose my mind! :0)

Well I've thought about this and don't know what to write. There's a lot on my mind about all this. But I find it interesting about remembering things about the Rom or where exactly it was in the house, the bed or where it was, the house, etc. I don't remember much else besides this. And well other things I was told or maybe made up. This was the time when I was 3 so I don't remember too well and I can't believe this one little thing is responsible for the rest but who knows. It was a loss of innocence, I don't care if he wasn't an adult or that he was only five years older or whatever. This and then the made up story when I was 15. I remember exact things about the story but I don't know if it became real in my mind because I told it so much and rehearsed it. Or if parts of it were real. Or if the "story" was really displaced or converted abuse so I didn't get certain other people in trouble. But I do remember very specific things. And I don't know if they were real or not. The mattress behind the shed. The red wall of the church next door. The light in the drive and parking lot and on the back porch. The bathtub that I may or may not have used at one point maybe after. There's other times that I have not felt real. That life or the world around has not felt real. There have been times where I have been out of my mind. Where things feel real but also not real. Times of not feeling anything and numbness too. Sometimes these things, most times, have been in connection to something traumatic happening. But I was older and old enough to remember. I also remember exactly where in the yard I was, though not my exact age (just know I was a young girl), when I was fantasizing about rape and being rescued. I even think I remember who I was playing with - an older girl who lived down the street from me. I don't know what all this means, only that it's there. These memories. They are present here and now in my conscious memory. But I agree that memory is a shifty and fickle thing. Not very reliable for things like this.. I don't want to believe that these things happen at all. Or that they may have happened to me.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

But I find it interesting about remembering things about the Rom or where exactly it was in the house, the bed or where it was, the house, etc.

*That was supposed to say "room", not "Rom".

Is this a common thing to remember the room, house, furniture, etc. and not remember the actual abuse? Has this happened with anyone else or even if you do remember the abuse, but you remember all the things about the room and house and things like that?

[wheredidthepartygo]

your first post is so much what i go through as well. i've always just kinda assumed i was sexually abused but i can't technically "remember" anything :/ touch memory is super big for me i can remember what clothes i was wearing when certain things happened to me as a kid it's so strange feeling