[CalmingOcean]

So bad...

Why the **** can't I just get over **** on my own. I tried to ask my therapist (who works at a sexual assault centre) that surely she must of had someone with a similar 'story' or past as mine and how ****ed up where they?? She wouldn't answer (obviously) but I just feel so ******* weak. I am totally surrounded by help but I am facing going into an ED treatment centre for I don't even know how long then maybe a trauma treatment centre after

That seems a bit ****ing extreme but I can't get a handle on things. I can't stop binging and purging, I can't stop restricting, I can't fix the thing getting in. The way of doing trauma work as my therapist puts it so how the **** if I can't even fix a little ED am I going to go through trauma work???

She gave be DBT homework. Anyone start into that workbook. Why doesn't it just put on the front page- your mind is broken and you don't think like a regular 'normal' human being so wipe clean what you know or what you think you know of the world and yourself and everything g around and start fresh.... Like holy ****. All this time I i thought I was clever (clever I know I am not very smart) but that is not true. I am just ****ing broken.

Sorry I hope this is not offending anyone, it's an attack on myself not any specific illness or Mental Health in general. It is like I have two complete opposites in me, the one who wants to conquer and one day be an advocate for mental health and the other that just thinks all the problems are created on your own, that you should just get over it, that you are weak for not being able to. That people who have gone through much worse aren't even as bad off so wtf is wrong with you...

My negative side is strong tonight. My husband left for out of town (work) and my two year old is going on a road trip with the grandparents tomorrow for 3 days.... It's going to be a loooooooong week if I stay in this ******* mind set. Just me and my head... And the gym. **** thank god I have the gym to pull me out.

[kaliope]

i understand the harshness. i have been there. i am constantly judging myself. turns out my abuse led to DID and it was other parts being so *****y to me. i have a wonderful trauma t helping me now sort this **** out. wasted years with the wrong person. good luck to you.

[ThisWayOut]

there is no right and wrong when dealing with trauma. There's simply doing the best you can until you either can do better, or get to a point where survival is no longer the only objective.
I hope the ed treatment helps. I also hope they understand the trauma component to your ed, and can start to help with that. I was lucky when I started ed treatment, they were aware that something else had to be going on. I knew of some of the trauma but had forgotten the rest. They were patient with me anyway...
I've tried dbt a bunch of times, and some of it has stuck with me (I react badly to what comes off as very invalidating when they taught it to me. Though I've heard other really positive experiences with it). If you can try to be gentle with yourself around it, it can be a really good set of skills... abuse has a way of making you think you are **** though, so I can understand the difficulty in being kind to yourself. You *are* clever, but those skills are not helping as much anymore, which is why they are suggesting a change. You did what you needed to in order to make it through. That's ok. It worked at the time.
you are worth fighting for. You deserve the best help you can get. You are clever and very resourceful. And even if you're broken, you're still fighting. That takes incredible strength.

[Open Eyes]

((CalmingOcean)),

The therapist who works at the sexual assault center missed giving you the correct answer. The truth is what happened to you "does" happen and more than people admit
too. My therapist has explained this to me and that "yes" he has addressed this issue with several patients over the years.

That being said, children who "explore" this way don't know what "rape" means and they really don't truly understand it as adults do either. Children "do" discover themselves sexually, even at surprisingly young ages. When this happens children do what is TYPICAL child behavior in that they want to know if others can do or know about it too.
Children who discover an orgasm really don't understand it other than it feels amazing and because it feels amazing, guess what, they want to explore it and do it. And, as I mentioned see if others know about it too because that is typical human behavior.

Unless parents explain it to their children (something I did with my child), they discover it and explore etc, not understanding what it really means and that yes this is something we as human beings can experience and it isn't something we explore with others or allow others to encourage us to explore either.

I will say, that because I talked about it with my daughter at a young age, she had a friend that was struggling with her brother and his friend this way and not only did my daughter tell her it was wrong, but that she should "tell" and it was OK if they came to me to talk about it too, it was "safe". So, when my daughter and her friend came to me, I talked to her friend and then I also talked to the mother who was a single mom and often left her two children alone while she worked.

I think it is very important that when looking back on a history where this did take place that it "does" happen and that children really do "not" understand it as we do once we are adults. For a person with this in their history to feed into thinking they are such a stupid messed up (you can think of swear words here) individual is not being "fair" to that person.

Also, children are known to experiment with a lot things they see their parents doing too. They will try smoking if they see their parents do it, try drinking, try wearing their parents clothes, are even known to find Playboy magazines and hide them so they can look at them. This was something a friend of my daughter's at a very young age did and it was a girl and her older brother too who showed my daughter who came home upset and told me, something that mother did not "know" was taking place either. Not only that but this mother discribed her daughter and son as "very close" and often slept together in her son's bed. I would find it "easy" to believe that these two "explored" too.

It is important that when reviewing the past to really understand "where" the psychological capacity of a child is as well as the "fact" that it is actually something that many experience so one doesn't be "traumatized" when they recall these experiences as an adult and believe they are the "only" person who has been challenged this way and they are the only messed up individual somehow.

((Supportive Hugs))
OE