[hamstergirl]

Guys, it's going to be really hard for me to say this.I'm scared to say it too. Because the person I write about may one day read this and disown me for it at the very least.

Some of you may know me from other topics. I was writing about a safe place, that's another word for a forbidden term on here. But I have come to realize that the place of which I am speaking is truly safe. And it's the first I can call my own, being able to enter and leave it at will.

There were other times in my life that I needed to feel safe and didn't, and there was nowhere to hide from who I feared.

The man I fear is my own father. And all he did was yell, almost every day. He'd just tower over you and scream at you so that you were deathly afraid he'd hit you. You'd count the days he wouldn't yell at you.

My first memory of him was dreading the time of day he came home from work.

Most of my siblings could leave the house on their own and go to a friend's house. One person here spoke of having a tree to climb. Being in a wheelchair, I didn't have that option. I was reliant on him to even get out of the house, or to get into the car. They didn't build a ramp on the house at least until I was in Grade 7. My father liked to haul the wheelchair up and down the stairs. When I got the power chair, that was too heavy for him and he had to build a ramp. And I had no money of my own on a regular basis until I turned 18. So I should have been screwed.

My best chance to stay safe from the yelling was to put some distance between me and him. For a person with a handicap, these can be easy if you're "lucky". Summer camp for the disabled, surgery in another province, even a one and a half year stint in a psychiatric hospital, when I got kicked out for "refusing to be helped."My shrink thought it meant I wanted my freedom, but if freedom means going home to hell, would you want to get better?

But safety was fleeting. it was of limited duration, relied on a parent to get there and usually involved surgery, very painful surgery. Real depressing. If the staff treated me kindly then the place was safe. And I didn't dare tell anyone what was happening, because my parents kept saying I would end up in a nursing home if I didn't shape up.Surviving without them was unthinkable.

As long as I stayed sick, I was "safe", once I was better, all bets were off and I'd go home to him. My first shrink said I was scaed to get better, and we thought it was beecause I was worried about losing my pension. You're $#@ right I'm scared. I'm scared of my father and a good many things. He still scares me, so much that I live 500 miles away and so afraid I'll meet another like him that I live in solitary confinement. That's one BIG reason..

My life is unbearable right now, but what happens if I get better? Wellness frightens me. And the fear runs deep.

I wish I had time to write more. I just want to say that I find you to be an amazingly insightful woman. You are so bright and full of depth beyond your years. Thank you so much for sharing yourself here.

I'm so sorry that your father let you down. His job is to take care of you, to hold you and protect you. But, without him, and with your physical problems, you still become a very intriguing woman. Brains over brawn always wins. :-)

Keep posting. Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

[misstonya]

I agree your an amazingly insightful person, the things you say break my heart I want so badly to be able to say come here let me hug you and make you feel safe, what you endured no one should. I know that now when I have the intense pain that I hunt a place inside me that is safe but I am so terribly affraid of that place because I am affraid I will never come back. what I want to say to you I really dont know how, but I want you to feel that you can pm me anytime and I will listen to you. I am a great listener i cant always help but i will do my best to be there for you when you feel unsafe. and in that maybe you can feel a little better. please dont hesitate to pm me and i will give you my email so that you can get me most anytime day or night that you need to talk.
((((((hamstergirl)))))))

Tonya (Brokenwing) my indian name

[Butterfly_Faerie]

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

The man I fear is my own father. And all he did was yell, almost every day. He'd just tower over you and scream at you so that you were deathly afraid he'd hit you. You'd count the days he wouldn't yell at you.

<hr></blockquote>


I know that fear too hon, it is tough to fear this from someone who is suppose to love you and protect you from any danger etc. I'm sorry you felt this fear, no one should, but unfortunatly alot of us do.

You are safe here though, try and believe that. I haven't been on here long, but I definatly feel comfortable posting about my abuse, my depression etc.. I hope you will continue to post, and keep us posted... I'm sorry you are having a hard time, stay stong, cause that is what you are.

Take care hamstergirl.

*hugs*

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>