[amicyco2]

I'm an adult yet I feel like a little girl who got her hand caught in the cookie jar and is going to be spanked. Why? I have a dear friend who is male that I work with and he's taken on the role of little brother watching out for me and he's taken spanking me when I've done something wrong at work, its in fun no harm done yet I feel like a little girl. On my birthday I got spanked with a belt and that hurt but I said nothing cause I felt I deserved it for some reason. I think I'm losing my mind finally. All the years of abuse and now I'm allowing someone to hit me and its ok what the hell is wrong with me? I know I used to associate the hits with love and attention but I couldn't be doing that again could I? Oh god I'm losing my mind again. My husband doesn't touch me any more so I guess I'm going back to a time when hitting was used as a means of love and I'm starving for love and attention. We don't have sex haven't in 18yrs so it isn't sexual I just want someone to care about me and I've reverted back to a time in my life when I was told that hitting was done because they loved me and I was a child then so I've slipped backwards into a childlike stake just to be spanked by my friend so I'll feel loved by someone. I shouldn't be alive at this point yet I continue to live. What good am I to any one?

Lin-Lin

Lin-Lin - Sometimes people who were abused as children feel like it was their fault, that they were bad. If that's not resolved, perhaps the need to be punished carried into your adulthood? Maybe the spanking is related to that need to be punished for being "bad".

I'm thinking that your friend consciously or unconsciously has tapped into this. He's got his own issues as to why he enjoys spanking adult women. Now, I'm not going to judge that behavior as right or wrong for the mentally healthy adult. To each his own, as my mom would say.

But, in your case, with your history, at this point in your life....in my never humble opinion, I don't think it's healthy for you. And I think you agree, which is why you posted. Perhaps it's time for a heart to heart with your friend? Explain that his actions are not healthy for you and they need to stop. If he really is a friend, he will stop.

Have you been able to resolve the issues with your female therapist? Are you able to talk to her now? Or have you been able to change therapist?

Take care. Please keep posting.

Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

[Butterfly_Faerie]

I use to feel that way. The feeling of feeling so small, it's a terrible feeling.

I do hope that you are doing better today, everyone goes through a rough time, just hang in there, you are a stong person, just keep believing that.
Take care of yourself.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>