I'm not sure if it's just me...

I was molested as a child. It left me with some pretty confusing feelings about sex. My boyfriend seems to want sex every time we are together. I usually cave in for fear of both his reaction and losing him.
Anyway, he is coming into town walking from Cincinnati Ohio to Dayton Ohio. He hasn't complained once. When I said I wish I had something to give him he said I already know what he wants.then he got very explicit. So basically he wants to have a bunch of sex. He knows that's prohibited where I live (in a group home) but he keeps pushing me. He doesn't seem to care that I could get kicked out.
I feel like I have to do it. I love him, but I'm also a little afraid of him.
I already know I'm going to break the rules for that boy. I always do
I fear he is just going to grow more controlling in other areas. I don't know how to say no to him. We are moving in together. What do I do?

Deershire, I am sorry you suffered abuse as a child. No one should have to endure that.

I would make clear the ground rules that there is no sex according to the rules of your house. I would not risk your housing for his self preoccupied and inconsiderate demands for breaking the rules. It almost sounds like he is more concerned with sex than your needs as a person living in a group home. Do you have a therapist? They would be a good person to discuss this with.

You say you are afraid of him. It sounds like this relationship may also be abusive. It is difficult because there is a tendency for survivors of abuse to pick partners who have abusive tendencies.

Before you move in with him, talk about the situation with a therapist or counselor. You should be clear and without fear before moving in together.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

This article talks about self care. Seeing what you have been through some self nurturing may be just what you need along with some hugs.
What is Loving Self-Care | In Your Own Hands

i would say that your boyfriend isnt very respectful of your feelings or your life. is is uncaring of the consequences you suffer emotionally and physically. he is controlling and manipulating you because you fear losing him. it can not be interpreted that he loves you when all he is interested in is getting his needs met and being careless about how damanging this is to you emotionally and the fact that it could leave you homeless. he knows you cant say no so he keeps pushing. he knows he will get what he wants and leaves you to suffer the consequences. this is not love, you are interpreting the physical closeness as love. but he does not really care if he is running rough shod over your feelings and jeopardizing you stabilitiy in housing. he is not putting you first. that is love. putting anothers needs before your own. making sure they are safe and protected. he is doing none of these thing. moving in with him will only give him more control. are you ready to give up your life?

I second what CANDC and Kali have said...
you shouldn't have to fear those you love and who love you... Please reach out. Hopefully someone at the gh or your T if you have one can help you out with this. I know from others that living in a gh can be really stressful, but hopefully they are more supportive that what my friends experienced. Please take care of yourself.

It's not you, im terrified of sex too. I think your boyfriend should be more understanding and gentle with you. Is there any way you can tell him how it makes you feel?

Eta: just reread your post. Your boyfriend sounds abusive. If i were you i would not be in a relationship with someone like that.

I agree with what the others have said. It's really selfish the way he's treating you. Especially since he knows you could get kicked out of your group home. It really does sound like an abusive relationship, or one poised to turn abusive - especially if you move in with him. If he's this controlling and manipulative now, think how much worse it will be if he has you so much more dependent on him. (Even if you both make money, it's still hard to move out when you've been sharing resources for so long. And then, he could make you feel guilty for leaving him "stuck" with paying the whole rent, etc.) If I were you, I would stay in the group home where you're safe, and get out of this relationship with him.

It's simply not healthy being in an intimate relationship with someone you fear, or to live in such fear of "losing him" that you "cave" to having sex when you don't want to. Especially considering the fact that you were molested as a little girl, he should be far more caring and considerate of your needs and emotions, including trauma. In regard to losing him - it honestly doesn't sound like you "have" him in the first place.

Please try to take care of yourself, since he seems to have no desire to do so. Can you ask the manager of the group home for help/advice? Do they have a counselor there who you can talk to?

In answer to your post question, it's not just you. It's almost inevitable to have confused feelings about sex after what you've been through. But this boyfriend is pushing you very selfishly without addressing or caring about your pain, feelings, needs, or you as a person. Being victimized can train a person to behave in particular ways that exploitative people and abusers will be attracted to, and will use to take advantage of them again and again. It's hard, but necessary, to train yourself out of those unhealthy behaviors, so that kind of person doesn't target you - and also so the right, caringkind of person will notice and be attracted to you. Good people don't like to bully, and in my experience, the sort of people who exhibit the stereotypical behaviors of "good little victims" don't even register on their radar. If you want to attract the kind of people who will genuinely care about you, I'm afraid you're going to have to make some changes yourself. Not easy, but very worth it.

I cannot help but agree with everything that has been said. I also cannot say this enough: Do not move in with this guy. Based on what you have said, moving in with him with give him more authority and control over you to the point that he may think he owns you. You've been through enough in your life that you don't need anymore. It will be difficult, but stick to your guns and tell him flat out "NO!" when he tries to pressure you for sex. Most shelters have some sort of counselor to help, please try to talk to them or the manager if there isn't one. He doesn't care about your well being overall, so you need to just drop this guy permanently. As for the fear of sex, it's not just you. I used to enjoy sex with my wife until she violated my trust and I'm still recovering from that. You have value as a person, don't let this guy soil that. Yes it will be a difficult road, but you can make it.