[hollyhobby9]

when i was 9, my older brother (4y) started abusing me. first it was only hitting and spitting on me, then the sexual abuse started. i didn't understand what was happening and it wasn't until i was 12 or so that i told my mom. she hit him and talked to him but it continued, the last time i was 16. when i turned 18, i was so sad bc i was now an adult and i had always wished him dead, now by thinking bad thoughts, i would go to jail. we didn't speak for 15 years or so. when we saw each other sometimes, we ignored each other, but once when i was getting engaged, he saw me wrapping presents with his now ex wife and started verbally abusing me badly. after i moved away and got married, i didn't want to be around him in anyway. many years later, at a friend's wedding, he was there and somehow decided in my head that this was enough. i wanted a relationship so badly with his kids and my kids that i would sacrifice my own disgust and pain. for years, i have done this but the anger and fear is always lurking in my head when i think of him.

my mom always said to let it all go, just move on. i told my dad once as a kid and when he denied it, he sent my brother and me into a room to "get our stories straight" and come to a conclusion.

i don't think i can keep living this lie just to keep our kids in each other's lives.

[Open Eyes]

You are allowing other people to tell you what to do, it is not up to them THEY were not the victim of abuse YOU were.

Your older brother never appologized to you and admitted he was WRONG to abuse you either. Your mother has no right to tell you to "just get over it" either, instead she needs to stand with you and call him out on how he abused you and that it was wrong. Your brother continues to dodge taking responsiblity for his actions so it's up to you to stand up and make the choice to not have him be a part of your life. He abused you, he doesn't deserve to be treated "special" at all. You have to stop handing him "the control" too, that is what you are doing and that is the "lie" you don't want to live with any more.

If an abuser doesn't take responsibility for their actions they only continue to look for ways to put their victims down so they can convince themselves their victims deserved to be disrespected and abused. Amazingly, often they find ways to get others to defend them too and "blame the victim".

So, you need to stand up and set your own boundaries and decide to not allow toxic individuals into your life.

[hollyhobby9]

thank you so much for your response. there is a huge cultural issue involved here, also. there are a lot of family and friends that are involved and as adult children in the community, there will be a lot of questions about why we aren't in each other's lives in any way. i had a baby and he and his wife had no clue bc my parents agreed to keep our lives seperate and not tell them. now that i have a daughter, i don't want him around her. when i see them near each other, or he picks her up, i'm upset. i know he and his daughters take "bonding trips" and i told my mom this wasn't a good idea. she said he is so good with his kids. completely ignoring the bigger issue.

i realize, i am the one at fault for allowing this to happen. i give the power to my parents and to my abuser. it's very hard to change this type of behavior. i'm going to try. do i just cut him and his wife/kids off?

[skeksi]

I'm so sympathetic to this because I am struggling with this as well (I don't want to hijack your thread so I won't go into it here). But it is SO HARD to put your feelings and sense of safety first when you have been taught to put them last. If you don't like the way you feel when you see him, I think you should respect that and reduce contact.

But I also know it is hard to go up against family expectations. Does he still interact with you in an abusive way? If so, consider what you want your kids to see as a model--you tolerating it, or you protecting yourself by staying away.

[roads]

Originally Posted by hollyhobby9

when i was 9, my older brother (4y) started abusing me. first it was only hitting and spitting on me, then the sexual abuse started. i didn't understand what was happening and it wasn't until i was 12 or so that i told my mom. she hit him and talked to him but it continued, the last time i was 16. when i turned 18, i was so sad bc i was now an adult and i had always wished him dead, now by thinking bad thoughts, i would go to jail. we didn't speak for 15 years or so. when we saw each other sometimes, we ignored each other, but once when i was getting engaged, he saw me wrapping presents with his now ex wife and started verbally abusing me badly. after i moved away and got married, i didn't want to be around him in anyway. many years later, at a friend's wedding, he was there and somehow decided in my head that this was enough. i wanted a relationship so badly with his kids and my kids that i would sacrifice my own disgust and pain. for years, i have done this but the anger and fear is always lurking in my head when i think of him.

my mom always said to let it all go, just move on. i told my dad once as a kid and when he denied it, he sent my brother and me into a room to "get our stories straight" and come to a conclusion.

i don't think i can keep living this lie just to keep our kids in each other's lives.

I am very afraid for you and those around you. Please get profession help, find a T you trust and make some contracts about reporting behavior and thoughts. You're a time bomb ticking away. You need a T who will confront the abuse you suffered and not tell you to "move on."