[Joe-Anna]

My mother was in an abusive marriage from before my brother and I were born until I was about 2 and a half. I've known this as far as I can remember, and have pieced together some snippets of information that suggested that the abuse went further.
Last year my mother opened up a bit more about the abuse, neglect, and violence. My father hit her, my brother, and the dog, but not me. The dog would go for him before he went for me. I also learned that my mother escaped from the house without us and for 2 days we were left with my father. All she knows about what happened over there is that when she went back for us, my father was not there and my brother, who would have been around 3, had been changing my nappies.
My brother is a little different. We all believed he was asbergers at one point but he isn't. He is a calm, quiet person, who seems quite content with the small group of friends he has, but his communication skills are terrible. He is a good person but he has a tendency to do rude or antisocial things. He keeps to himself most of the time. There is no doubt that the abuse affected him.
I have very little memories of my childhood, obviously none of my father. When I was a child I had frequent episodes of night terrors. I go through phases of disordered eating, social anxiety, insomnia, depression and suicidal thoughts, starting at about 11 and peaking at 17/18. This is something I'm learning to avoid or cope with. I'm learning that those bad phases always end at some point. I'm 20 now and in my honours year of uni. Last year I was diagnosed with an information processing disorder by the uni services. This sorta means if you give me a list of things to get at the shops, I'd be lucky to get one of them. xD I've read that many of my problems, including issues processing information, are common symptoms of abuse. But my issues are very different to my brother's. He honestly seems quite content although he has said before he has trouble recognising his own emotions.
It seems he has put up this comfy protective wall, protecting himself from the outside world, whereas I feel like I'm teetering on top of that wall, swinging one way or the other.

I don't know if or to what extent the abuse affected me. I don't really know how bad it was or what happened to me. I have a great mum and I know she would have looked out for me to the best of her ability. Maybe this is just the way I am, which is fine. I'm learning to look after myself.
I'd hate to think someone messed me up. What seems more likely? It frustrates me how little I really know, despite my mother being relitavely open with me. I hate having only one side of the story. I just wish I knew everything about my first 3 years.

[CopperStar]

There are some things I am never going to know, probably. I have physical damage that I cannot even remember how I got it, was discovered at a doctor's visit in adulthood, and prior to that I had no idea it even existed. This was about 7 years ago. I remember going through a long and awful phase of being obsessed, freaked out and enraged about it. It was like I could never heal or move on until I knew exactly what had happened and who to blame. That never came to be the case, but I did eventually start to heal and move on. It just took a while before I was ready to only focus on the present and moving forward. I needed time for the processing to run its course, to feel obsessed, freaked out and angry. I can relate to the feeling of having a strong 'need' to know and having it drive you nuts. I can tell you that while it can be crazy-making while you process things, you can eventually heal even if you never know, and the processing will pass eventually.

[Joe-Anna]

Thank you so much. This is exactly what I need to hear. I know I will never know everything, but every time a get a new snippet of information, I feel a bit angry, but mainly frustrated at how little I know.

I'm so glad to hear that you can learn to be okay with the knowledge that there are things that you will never know, and allow yourself to heal and not obsess over it.

I guess I need to practice that