[ladytiger]

I was thinking today about the past abuse. I was thinking that how I used to be such an outgoing person how that was shattered at age 10. I listen to myself today at work and I sounded terrible English all screwed up, words disorganized, lips stuck together like glue looks like I am learning how to speak for the first time, stuttering, sounding so unsure of myself. Mind you, English is my first and only language in America the only home I know!

I still have all of this fear and still living in an abusive household. I hate being introverted only like this because of the abuse and became someone who didn't trust many people. I am afraid at work (current job) or any job where it could mean taking on different projects, working with clients, etc for fear of my speaking abilities. I was NEVER an introverted person I was always the social butterfly could do anything but right now I am like a little kid needing to hold onto someone. I always loved to work with people on different things I was sheltered all of my life and ended up doing stuff on my own which I failed at because I didn't have other minds helping me.

I have been going to places and meeting people I still can't seem to bring myself to go around the table without my boyfriend being present. I still cling to him when I see him at an event since I feel "he is safe," as the other people are not harmful he has always been safe with me. I have been working hard on communication skills for several years and still don't feel like I am there yet in being a great communicator and conversationalist. My mind just wonders or disassociates something like that not sure of what to do. I see a therapist for sexual abuse issues not for this issue she knows I have anxiety and such a worry wort all the time. I have no interest in accepting introvert when that is/never me!

I know my new therapist said I have disassociated and shut down that I am numb which is true. She has been very helpful I have been seeing her I think maybe March this year. This is still bothering me tremendously I feel like a child still clinging onto something or someone to make this crap go away. I have been visualizing myself of being that social butterfly that I once was and saw myself so happy, enjoying life and people. I don't know I hate how this abuse made me and had me to put on a mask for the public....

not sure what to ask just hurting and venting.

[healingme4me]

If introverted isn't something that you believe you truly are, then maybe you aren't? Trauma plays out in ways that it does for many. Think of your neural pathways cross communicating because of them being blocked by stress of memory. As though your brain is doing this to prevent the memories from flooding all at once, yet because the brain doesn't just house memories, it also affects how your body physically works, speech and all, this is what's happening..for now, until the flooding subsides from the trauma counseling. Best analogy that I can think of.
If a social butterfly was you, you'll perhaps get there as you get better?

[CosmicRose]

Just toss out the term introvert and extrovert then, they are just labels anyway. Each personality is unique and different. I used to be very social and carefree (age 13 is when it all changed for me) I became filled with anxiety and self doubt, I was experiencing unusual emotional abuse at my house and was very scared for not only myself but my close family members. My sense of "Safe" was rocked, I felt totally unsafe. I'm not sure I've ever regained that sense of safety.
Instead of feeling like other people are "safe" (such as your bf) or "unsafe" (such as strangers), try to be the "Safe person" for yourself. Try to establish that core safety within you so that you don't have to keep finding other safe people to hold onto. Try to be that person for you. That means forcing yourself to be your friend. That means paying attention to the thoughts that you're saying to yourself. That means stopping all negative self talk in your head, stopping all painful emotions that flood your body, stopping all self doubt the moment it starts happening. Easier said than done, but in order to be your new safe place, your own rock, and your own best friend, you need to nip those things in the bud when they begin. Eventually you will train yourself to feel better. Eventually you will feel safe inside yourself again.

[ladytiger]

About how the brain affects speech, yea I have ptsd and the way I speak sounds like I am a foreigner with bad English which is not true yet that's how people treat me.

Yea I still have those negative thoughts I do use an affirmation it's used for my goals I need some new ones. I finished reading a book on the energy cure the author does mentioned about negative thoughts and releasing them. Needing to feel safe within myself? Interesting basically being at peace with myself. It's sad and embarrassing that I gotta rebuild myself as an adult

[cluelessgal]

I can understand how you feel. I was always shy, but assertive about how I want to look. But abuse changed me, I became a doormat.

I am slowly getting back to my old self....and it comes with healing, feeling of acceptance. It's definitely tied to your self-esteem. I remember when I was not so confident about myself, I used to blabber - used to say gonfident cirl for confident girl. My speech became worse during my abuse period.

Working with your therapist for abuse is good....but adding a related self-esteem issues and working on it with your therapist would definitely help you more.I feel my best when I get a little acknowledgement for my feelings.

Meditation and writing is helpful sometimes. Meditation teaches you the art of controlling your thoughts.....it helps keeping the negative voice in your head down. Writing helped me in acknowledging my feelings.

Do try it.....wish I had a better answer.

Can I just ask, what you mean by -still living in an abusive household??

[ladytiger]

With therapist we may get to that not sure been working with self esteem with social worker and the support groups at the women's center. Last day to see social worker is next month as it's coming to an end since I've progressed so much.

The problem with meditation is silencing the mind hear so much dialog up not even funny.

What you are describing is not introverted... introverts can actually be very engaging conversationalists, we just have different styles (eg, we are more likely to enjoy a one-on-one intellectual discussion rather than small talk in a party setting).
For us introverts, it gets to be a bit insulting when people refer to being an introvert as a character flaw... it is only a different style of relating.
What you are describing is difficulty in socializing, enjoying people... social anxiety and dissociation.
Your personality hasn't changed, you are just struggling (and hey, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert!)