[Juliaspavlov]

When I was 15 my dad came in my room holding my birth control pills. He asked me if I was a slut. To me this rocked my world. I wasnt allowed to swear and I felt like I was being accused of being some dirty filthy thing. I actually loved my dad but hated my mum. It was much later in life that I realised I was a slut. Like a self fulfilling prophecy. I even had sex with a married man inside a church.I was trying to prove to myself that I would do everything except kill a chinaman. I tried to see if I was a lesbian too but when that was on offer I creeped out severely. I am amazed I didnt get aids. I used to show off at work that I couldnt walk properly because of all the sex I had. Later when I was living with a man my dad unexpectedly saw me on a bus and he asked me....He hasn't spoiled you for others has he? I was freaked out again...asking myself what does he mean? Does he think Im a virgin and he s asking if Ive had sex with the man Im living with?? what is with him??
But when I left the man I realised what my dad meant. My emotions were spoiled. I compared everyone I met with the guy. For a while I compared my husband with him. welll anyway these are just ponderings. Sometimes I dont understand myself. I would feel very sad and sorry for anyone with that history. So why dont I feel sad and sorry for myself.????

[ShadowsinTheDay]

I'm sorry Julia. I once talked to a person on the net who was like that, sort of...

I'm thinking, that it's much easier to see other peoples flaws, and mess ups, and feel sorry for them, and there pa*n, then your own.

ShadowsinTheDay

[Juliaspavlov]

thanks shadow I tried to say that I needed to feel sad and sorry .about me but I dont. Yeah I was actually looking at myself to see if I could feel. I would if it were someone else but just not myself.

[kimmydawn]

((((((( Julia ))))))))

I had difficulty with that as well...holding myself to another standard. T and I actually got testy about that because he insinuated that I held myself to a higher standard... Ticked me right off.

Anyhow, I don't know how you'll allow yourself what you allow for others, but you're right. You need to. I learned to but it was VERY difficult.

I learned to by slowly doing and then recognizing that people respected and cared for me anyhow. I had learned one way, so had to re-learn this new way.

I'm now able to cut myself a break. I couldn't before because I guess, bottom line is...love was always conditional for me and if I didn't maintain, I wouldn't be loved. I couldn't cut myself those breaks because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to maintain as I had. Well, I was right but got a blessing from it. I wasn't able to maintain like I had, true. However, I maintained better in other ways which ppl respected as much or more. It evened out.

Most importantly I learned that those that truly cared, continued to and their care meant more to me and was something I could trust in...finally.

I hope that makes sense.

KD

[MissCharlotte]

((((Julia)))))

[Juliaspavlov]

Kimmy dawn and sister. I love your name sister because I dont have any sisters only 7 brothers.Except one died. I have to keep thinking about kimmy's words to let them sink in. Right now im about to rush to another state where my son lives because his lil brother who is very much like me is in hospital with dt's and tremors. It means a 14 hour train trip but hes worth it. So I suppose if I think hes worth it and hes like me then Im worth it.