Help me decide. Should I break off contact with my parents?

@open eyes
I have no idea why you think those links have any bearing on this thread.

I was addressing how your father and mother and siblings "demand forgiveness" . No one wants to be open and admitt their wrongs right?

This is why I brought up Jesus and denial and the weakness/frailty of human beings. Your father is "just" expecting forgiveness without at least validating to you what he did wrong.

You wanted me to talk about "where" I read about this, and that is why I provided these links.
Here is another one I came across, you can read it of just ignore it.
Five Sins That Jesus Hated Most - Zac Poonen - Article

After 35 years of horrid abuses at the hands of my parents & siblings, I finally broke off all contact with them in order to preserve my own physical and emotional well-being.

I tried to get them involved in the healing process for a couple of years, but they simply wouldn't (or couldn't) ... Change is difficult ... Therefore, I handed them over to God and started working on my own healing & recovery process.

This was not an easy decision to make and I still grieve the losses ... But in my heart I know I did what was best and right for me, because had I not, I most likely wouldn't be here typing this right now.

I wish for you the best as you face a difficult decision, knowing full well that whatever you finally decide, it's not going to come without a lot of heartache and grief either way.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!



ps. And while it's true that the bible instructs us to honor our parents (Exodus 20:12), it also instructs parents to not provoke their children to anger (Ephesians 6:4). Since the bible can often be so very contradictory and confusing, it might also be a good idea to not allow any of that to be too much of an influence on your decision at this point in time. I know, I thought I was going to burn in hell forever for that too, but I no longer feel that way. Again, wishing you the best as this isn't going to be an easy decision to make at all ...

I have seen you soften and grow as a person shakesphere, and perhaps what you need to keep doing is give yourself some space from your father and mother and family while you continue to grow and develop "away" from them.

That being said, while you were triggered by their last visit, you have been taking some time to talk about it and work through it. That too is part of how we heal and grow, even though at times it can be painful.

IMHO, you don't "owe" them anything, you deserve to grow and heal as a person. Perhaps in time you will be strong enough so that whatever they do that is dyfunctional will be something you will realize "is their problems that they have to answer to" while you have chosen to grow and heal as a person and have your own family be a "healthier one".

Dont expect to get agreement from your parents on this. Not even the "agree to disagree". You simply have to take responsibility for your decisions. if you think youre right, you stand by what you think is right. Your parents stand by what they think is right. You dont have to agree. Thats my view.

The last link I provided says a lot and this can be applied to a lot of scenarios where individuals claim to be "above" others and right simply because they have studied something and even have a title where they are supposed to be an "authority figure".

I can relate to you and your frustration and desire for "truth" because while your parents were so religious, they did not really "live" it. You grew up with that and it "hurt" you to have to see it and experience it and I can see it hurts you "still". Religion was supposed to be about finding a way to create "truth" in human beings so we could "trust" instead of live in chaos. However, what many have done instead is only use a religion so they can manipulate others and gain a sense of superiority over, and yet be selfish.

It bothers you deeply and reminds you of how you were just a trusting innocent child growing up with a religion that is supposed to be about "being good and truthful", yet you did not really see it happen in your home. I think that when your parents "deny" you it is just a reminder of this deception and hurt. You don't want to hear the "lies" but instead you want to live the "truth".

It is very hard to see that a lot of people have a "power over" and authority, yet they are not really "worthy" of it and instead hide behind it and are actually "weak and deceitful liers".

I struggle with that myself, I cannot "respect" people who pretend to be something they are "not". I do not like to even be around them either.

So with that in mind, IMHO, no you do not "owe" your parents anything or have to live with and accept their lie either. You need to grieve that and I know it is not easy, working on that myself.

((Hugs))
OE

Im not religious, I tend to look at things in a loglical, scientific sort way.
Why do some people who have been badly abused go on to abuse others, and some not?

Recently a chap wrote about his life in the local paper, he and his brother were seriously neglected and abused by their parents.
They both married and had kids. He treated his children well, vowing that he would NEVER put his children through the same torment as he suffered. What astounded him was his brother.
His brother treated his own children and family just as bad as they had been treated as children. He couldn't believe it, all they been through, all the neglect and hurt, why would you inflict that on your own children?
My answer is. Genetics. One brother was 'normal' the other, wired like his abusive father. A narcissist/sociopath, without empathy.
Thats why some go on to abuse and some don't.
As a NPD has no capacity for empathy it is pointless keeping up contact with them, all they do is take and give nothing back.

Here's something else.... My dad is in the habit of telling people that they're too sensitive. Confront him about virtually anything, and his response is "you're having that reaction because you're too sensitive.".

I wonder if people truly understand how damaging a reaction like that can be to a psyche, especially one who has experienced a lot of abuse. I don't want to engage... I want to get away. There are certain people who are just not worth it.

So whats wrong with detaching yourself for a while? Thats what ive done, and what insights ive gained. What perspective. Totally worth it. Theyre not going anywhere, and if they do, so what? Havent you tried everything else? You will never make them see. It was hard for me to accept, but i finally did accept that my family saw me in a bad light. Treated me as less than. Why should i stick around for that?

((shakesphere)), I can totally relate to what you are talking about, I hate that kind of response myself. It tends to add insult to injury instead of providing much needed validation and understanding.

It took "me" a while to finally realize that there were going to be certain "dysfunctional" loops that would play out in my own family and when I developed PTSD, it made it very hard to even be around them. It is not just "you" that is challenged this way either, a lot of people are challenged this way. A lot of resentment can take place because when a person grows up in some kind of dysfunction, they have no choice but to figure out how to thrive in that dysfunction.

If you spend time actually listening to "many" who struggle in these forums, you will slowly recognize a common challenge where different individuals are struggling "not" because they are bad or wrong or stupid etc., but because of unmet needs when they were growing up.

For "many" these challenges tend to come out when they themselves become parents. What is taking place is that when they are raising their own children, they are tapping onto what they experienced at that age themselves. This happens in both women and men too.

When I was raising my own daughter, I never let her cry when she grew hungry as an infant. I would feed her immediately when she began to stir out of sleep. It was not until much later when I suffered badly with PTSD and had this horrible flashback where I knew I was in my crib, could not see a presence, but I would just cry and cry and my stomach hurt so badly. Oh shakesphere, it was the worst flashback of them all and I hated it because I did not understand what it meant. I would also get the chills too, it was such a horrible flashback.

Then my therapist told me that when infants wake up they are wet, cold, and very hungry and their stomachs actually hurt so they will cry which sounds an alarm to the mother to come and feed. Well, after giving it some thought, I realized that I was the youngest child and my mother was actually very busy with my two older siblings, especially my older brother who was always running off on her. I realized that I probably woke from a nap very wet an hungry and I was crying and my mother did not come to me, probably for way too long because often my older brother would find a way to get out and take off where she had to frantically look for him.

What has been discovered is often people can function ok for a really long time, and then will struggle at some point. Often this can happen if they have a child that is the same age they were when they experienced challenges. So, it brings these old challenges forward. It's not meant to be some kind of punishment either, we are actually designed that way so that we do better raising our young so our own young will survive or not struggle the way we did.

However, there are times when parents follow a pattern of nurturing that is what they knew themselves that is "not" healthy for their own children. For example, a mother who raises a child in a detached way. I have read about this, and what it means is a mother was not nurtured, so when it is required of her, she gets uncomfortable with it and in turn sends a bad message to that child where the child may feel "unloved".

This response you are getting about your being too sensitive, this is showing you yet again what your parents "lacked" and unfortunately continue to lack. What they consistently show you is how what they did not know did affect you. This can be more profound as we grow in our understanding of the significance of "nurturing our children" is taking place in society. Your parents being 70 years old did not have this kind of societal awareness taking place.

It takes time to "mourn" this and often that can mean you may need to distance from your parents while you slowly find your own way of having the capacity to be around them and no longer experience uncomfortable triggers from the behaviors they express that you have now grown to realize were "hurtful" to you in your past. A lot of people struggle with this challenge too. It is important to recognize that your parent's generation lacked and that a lot of their children are struggling with this lack and that you are amongst "many". Your being more "aware" can actually help you to make "positive" changes in your own parenting, so it isn't all bad.

You have a right to make a choice about not participating in "old dysfunctions" too. Often a family will maintain a loop of dysfunctional behavior, you do not have to participate in that loop any longer. You tend to recognize these unhealthy loops that people fall into playing and choose not to play along. Well, you don't have to either. It takes time to work through that and find a personal balance with it. I am working on this challenge myself tbh, and it can be hard at times. Yes, often the answer is to withdraw from the loop of dysfunction, no, you don't owe these individuals to stay in a loop of dysfunction.

You're exactly correct. Some people act the way they do, and have no regard for how they come across to others. I can't change them, there is no need for resentment or anger, but neither is there reason for me to put myself into their path.

Yes, your parents were definitely abusive parents! They will never admit it, though. You don't need any more abuse. Stay away from them. You need to protect yourself and put yourself first now. Please do so.

Yes, if it were me in your personal circumstances, I would leave.

Because of this reason.

I always think that if I'm doing something that doesn't serve in my own mental health's best interest above and beyond anything else that I could be doing, then I shouldn't be doing it

To me, by you maintaining contact, it's triggering past memories that are pretty horric that related to when you were growing up as a child in your parents care.

You deserve to live the rest of your life in happiness.

I'd say, if they contact you every few months, maybe entertain them for an hour or so, then leave, if you are comfortable doing this as a bare minimum, otherwise nah, you have your own life to live in peace.

They don't deserve to bring you down not for one more second.

You deserve better.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

I forgot to mention in my OP, that there have been times in the past when my parents just let me know they would prefer that I stay away from them for a while. So, it's not like I'm the only one who would like some distance from time to time.

It's been 2 years since I started this thread, and I do see my parents from time to time. They came to my son's baseball game last night. It's kinda funny in that now, whenever I bring up anything about the past, my dad gets really defensive.

I think my dad still feels really bad about some of the things he has said and done, but he doesn't quite know how to deal with it. His usual response is to either outright deny, get defensive and angry, or just accuse someone of making stuff up.

Based on his actions, I think he is afraid I'll remember some things that he doesn't want me to. He's even muttered to himself, on occasion, "you were too young, you couldn't have remembered THAT..." (I'm not sure what THAT refers to- I think he might have quite a few "THAT's" that he hopes I don't remember).

For my part, I acknowledge that they did the best they could. And there were periods of time when things were pretty good. I'm having a hard time conveying that to my parents. And still, I kinda like spending less time, vs more time with them.

I say break it off because your father (especially) hasn't learned a damn thing and sees nothing wrong with what he did. He's still playing the victim. That isn't healthy to be around. Not today, not tomorrow, it just isn't healthy.

At the end of the day, I don't see him acknowledging what he did as wrong. I see him making excuses for himself. That's only going to further invalidate you and your memories. That is wrong.

I say, take the healthy route and break free.

To be honest, I'm still going back and forth with my own father. I guess it's easier said than done.

Are they supportive when you have problems?

For the most part. My life is such that I usually don't go to them when I have problems. I don't consider them to be part of my support network.

It sounds like there pretty much not a part of your life anyways. I understand not wanting to be at the house where the abuse was. Tell them this talk to them and tell them how you feel. If they get bent out of shape you have the answer to your question.

We moved a few times over the years. They bought their current house when I was in my late 20's... I wasn't living with them at the time.

Have you ever expressed your emotions about this to them, meaning that you are thinking about ending the relationship?

If I said something right now, I think it would be something like, "you seem to get pretty upset whenever I bring up anything about the past... maybe you'd feel better if you just stayed away."

okay that's how you feel so tell them.

you can only forgive them so much until they act like completely lunatics again sorry to say that but my mom robbed me of a childhood of being a normal child she punished me and physically, mentally, emotionally abused my dad and well I got the brunt of it because I always stepped in the middle of it. Professionals said it wasn't right of them to do it but what am I suppose to do leave when I am being hit at 6 years old. I was a child I should have been protected! just like you should have been protected!

We forgive them as people but we cannot disown what they were like as our childhood is ruined something we will never get back as adults now.

Its all your decision if you want to leave them in the dust of your shiny new family(friends) that ultimately probably do a better way of showing you love then your birth donors as I see them, which I have been calling my mom.

You can do it!!