Visiting my molester

Background- my brother molested me for a year when I was 7. It came out at the Dr. because of frequent UTI's, but nothing happened to him. My first suicide attempt was 4 years later, I also started drinking heavily at this time. 5 years later a near fatal attempt put me IP for 3 months.

Presently- it's been 15 years since I've spoken to him at which time he was very mean. My parents want us all together, like it's their dying wish......only they aren't dying. I have a right to say no, which I have repeatedly. I'm going home for 2 weeks and my sister and I both suspect they are up to no good. I think they're planning to sneak him on me. I think I will get physical.....and finally kick in his nuts.

Do you think I have a right to throw a beat down if they do this?

If my family surprised me with my attacker showing up. I'd throw a beat down as well. I couldn't even imagine. Terrifying actually. Unfortunately, you'd probably get into trouble if you actually tried it

If they do this, can you go somewhere else? Like your sister's or something?

To arrange a meeting with your abuser shows gross insensitivity and disrespect. I would make it clear, if hes there, I wont be.

If he is there, simply leave; let your parents know ahead of time that if they do this, you won't be there.
No, don't get physical; he could turn around and have your arrested.

Thank you so much for responding, I really need support right now.

They are relentless. I'm not spending any nights with them (which they are throwing a tantrum about) staying w/friends and my sister. I'm staying at a campground down the road from them 2 nights and consider that "their time". They're lack of protection both past and present is soul crushing. I also suffer PTSD and have an extreme startle response when feeling cornered, I feel it kicking in which makes me angrier. Even camping down the road will be miserable as every shadow or twig snapping could possibly cause a blood curdling scream out of me.

Have you considered going No Contact?

In the last decade, I've went no contact for months to years. I went no contact w/them February to April of this year, so we just started talking a couple months ago. Which makes their request even more ludicrous.

As for going no contact for the trip, UGH, my daughter wants to see them. I'm proud of myself for thinking of the campground as a refuge. I'm taking what precautions I can to prevent any contact. Mantras also help me, I'm using "Fun and smooth"!

I understand. My brother abused me and I see him with family twice a year at the winter holidays. I tried to not participate but bent under pressure and suffer through it. I have to deal with the repercussions (bad symptoms and fears) for a week or two after each visit.

I think it is a good idea to set the boundary that if he shows up, you will leave--and end the visit then and there, even if it's your first day. Then you know when to leave and if your parents do arrange him to show up, they are the ones cutting your visit short--they know the conditions.

I'm sorry you--we--have to deal with this. Family abuse is so messed up.

thank you so much, I really needed this. I'm really anxious and your post came at a great time, it grounded me a little.

It makes me angry just reading what he did to you. And it makes me angrier that your parents are asking you to be around him. You shouldn't be put in that position. If your parents want to see you guys, then you might wanna tell them that you wont be visiting on the same day as him. There's no need for that if you still feel uncomfortable. As much as i KNOW you want to kick his face in, I definitely would not. It's just going to cause you and everyone else stress if you do that. Plus your parents dont need to deal with it if they're old. I say visit them on separate days and be done with it. Then if you and your bro decide to fix things, you can do it later in therapy. Hope everything works out for you!!

I think the best thing to do is just don't go. If your parents know about the abuse they should not be asking you to see him. I don't care if they are dying or not.