TW: Sexual Abuse

I was raped at 14 by a stranger at the first party I went to.

Maybe my kinks come from that, I'm not sure, but I am into the "rougher" stuff as far as the bedroom goes. It's really the only way I can orgasm, and my boyfriend is into the same stuff I am, although I have to assure him that he's not going "too hard" or whatever because he is afraid of hurting me.

Sometimes though.... He'll do something small, or say something and I'll have flashbacks to the event and have to stop and I'll start having a panic attack.

I just don't know what to do... I feel like I'll never have a normal relationship or sex life because of this.

I am sorry you have experienced physical abuse. No one should have to go through that. It is so difficult to say what will work for you. Some people work in talk therapy to someone professionally trained in surviving abuse to help them deal with their flashbacks.

If you think modifying behavior is worth trying, some people deal with lack of response by taking longer to approach intimacy with more establishing trust and intention, touching, holding and caressing before trying to join. Making sure the woman climaxes before joining can also be a help. Having the man go shallow could be less triggering according to some.

But simple answers like that might not be adequate when you are having traumatic flashbacks. That is something that may require someone trained in that kind of trauma. That is a path many use to increase the likelihood of having a normal relation. It may require years of trust also with your partner.

It sounds like maybe you are trying to confront what happened, both by normalizing it and trying to experience it - but with you in control and actually enjoying it - and that sometimes that confrontation gets to be too much and triggers you.

Kink should always be about mutual respect and pleasure. In safe and respectful kink, the "sub" is still actually in control through the use of a safe word and a respectful, loving Dom, a Dom who plays the part for their own fantasy thrills and also so that the sub can enjoy their fantasy thrills, too. Even the most hardcore Dominatrix, if she is truly safe and respectful, is ultimately doing something nice for her sub(s) because they enjoy it AND she would back off immediately if the safe word was used. Also some subs experience "sub drop" where they feel low or even depressed after a play session, and a good Dom/Domme will care for their sub during sub drop. It's not actually about being mean or anything like that.

If your 'kink' play involves genuine elements of self-hatred, hostility, complete loss of control, etc, in my honest opinion it is not healthy or safe. I think it's possible that safe, respectful kink could help you take control emotionally and could even be healing, but it needs to be safe and loving at its core.

looking4answers,
You don't sound like you are very old to me...I mean over 30. As just my personal point of view, I wonder if you have ever had a sexual experience that was not "rough"? It sounds to me like you are seeking out the same kind of sex that was forced on you at age 14. Maybe that is the only kind of sex you know? To me there is a big difference between just having sex and being made love to. In my opinion, you have never been made love to, yet. When you love someone, you want to make love to them...and yes in different ways. Sex is sex, rough or not if there is nothing emotional in it. Rough sex IS violence. There is no way around that.

Sounds like you might do well by seeking a therapist, counselor or phych to talk to.

Jonilg

I am young, and I have experienced softer sex with someone I love, you know, the slow romantic kind. And it's not that I didn't enjoy it, because I did, but I didn't get any sexual gratification during it... Which was kind of a disappointment.

Yeah I'm gonna talk to my therapist about it, it's just hard to talk about in person I guess.

I do feel safe with him, I love him and I know he loves me, I guess I just need to work through it, talk to my therapist and whatnot. Thanks for your reply.

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I wish you all the love and sexual gratification you can have. My husband and I have different kinds of sex, too. Sometimes, it is romantic...slow and gentle. Sometimes, we get a little wild, but we never hurt each other and the love between us always shines through. There is not a right way or wrong way to have sex. Sexual gratification comes for me, when I release everything from my mind and only allow what I am feeling in.

Joni