[Kaylord]

I'm sure this probably sounds strange, but I have been trying to find my abusers for the past year or so.

When I was 4, I was sexually abused by 2 or 3 people at the daycare where I was enrolled. They were never caught (to our knowledge). Being that young, my brain just could not handle the abuse and I just shut down. I have only little bits and pieces of my memory up until about 16. Of course I acted out due to the abuse, but I always had my mom to explain what was happening and to reassure me that everything I would feel is normal (she was abused as a child as well). Now that she has passed, I am left with a TON of questions and no answers.

Soooo, I just submitted the Police Report Request form to get copies of the police records.

I am so excited, but so damn nervous. What if I have flashbacks again? My mom isn't here to talk me through them. What if mentally I actually am not prepared to handle what I find out? What if they lost the records and I am constantly stuck with these questions.

Has anyone else gone through this before?

[CANDC]

Hi Kaylord, I am sorry you endured abuse as a child. No one should have to go through that.

You are brave to be willing to face your own past. Have you a therapist to help you with this? It could certainly be a help.

If you feel this is worth pursuing with legal action, you might find a lawyer specializing in this area of law that could save you time and anxiety. They may work as a percentage of any possible settlement if you are looking for remuneration. If you are looking for justice, you might consider that these people might be better pursued by the police, but perhaps you are only doing the research to provide them with a report.

I feel it might be a choice of getting justice or getting healing. If you can find a way to get both, you are a survivor. But still a therapist or legal counsel might be the difference between getting one or both of these. You indicated already the potential to be triggered by this. You are potentially opening up your life in the public sector.

[Kaylord]

Hey Candc,

Thank you for your reply! I actually am not looking for justice at all. The statute of limitation has been far over by now.
I think I am just looking for answers and closure. I have come to a point in my life where I am just done being letting the past effect my future.

I know they were never caught, and I don't expect them to pay for their crimes. I simply want to know who they are. Where they are. Have they been to prison.

I have always believed that knowledge is power. And the more I know, the easier it will be for me to try to understand why I am the way I am, and to one day overcome it.

[Kaylord]

Thank you all for the replies. I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this.

Anawhitney- thank you so much. I'm definitely hoping to see the records, but if for some reason I don't/can't, then oh well. I also believe that if I should, I will.
I am so sorry to hear that you were abused too. It seems too damn common these days.

Quarter life- thank you as well. I'm definitely not looking to find out why as I already know that answer. I'm more or less looking for answers as to what happened. Because I was so young, I literally have almost no memory of it.
I have never really let this trauma hold too much power over my teen /adult life. Luckily I had a very strong support system with my mom. I do however still deal with some residual issues, though I'm not looking to be "fixed". There is nothing wrong with me.

As much as sexual abuse can have negative effects on people, it can also have some positive as well. That's what I focus on.

[knit roses]

On August 26, I searched my cousin's time in service so I could know when the abuse ended, part of therapy. He hurt me 1959-1969. Double-homicide, suicide popped up. That monster committed suicide on October 15, 2013. "Ding dong, the witch is dead!"

[Kaylord]

Oh damn! That's a pretty brutal way to go out.
Do you feel it helped with any closure?