[Kittykat1985]

Hi I am 30 years old and I work as a caregiver. I have been in this job since March so for about 7 months or so.

I have had this particular client since April. I developed good rapport with him and his wife and when his wife sadly passed away in July things with my client got better. We were talking a lot more and he felt more able to do things around the house for himself, like watering the plants etc. He was on a course of antidepressants but during a review in August with my boss he was really positive in talking about me with her and he said he was no longer on the antidepressants. When I looked in his dosette box I noticed they had been crossed out with a pen so I am not sure if the doctor stopped them herself.

My client and I had lots of banter going on between us. We'd watch the TV together and chat. He began to confide in me about strange dreams he'd been getting but I didn't know what to really say or do about that.

About a week ago he started hugging me. I thought that the odd hug would be fine but on Friday he hugged me repeatedly and pulled me really close to him. He kept saying I was lovely and he then put his hands on the backs of my hips and then on my bum and he then squeezed it. He then said he and his late wife had a really good sex life and I reassured him saying it must be hard without her. He then said "yes and I guess I'm trying to make up for it."

That freaked me out a bit and I didn't know where to look but I couldn't look at him in the eyes. I went home and I told my parents and they were a bit upset. I told my boyfriend and he said what my client did was going a bit far. I couldn't sleep at all Friday night and I stayed awake until 1am.

I woke up at about 6am on Saturday morning and when I got up to get dressed for work I was crying and felt sick. I had massive bags under my eyes and my head hurt as if I had an elastic band around it. What made it worse was I had an overnight shift to do (sleep-in) and I didn't feel I was mentally strong to do this as it involved taking the other person out and providing companionship for her.

In the end I reported Friday night to my office and my boss called me to say that my hours with the overnight client can be changed so that I could catch up on sleep at home as well as when at the overnight client's place. My boss said she was just as shocked as I was about the situation and she informed the Friday night client's family and the son is coming down today (Sunday) to speak to him. I have to go to the office Monday (tomorrow) about what had been said/discussed.

I still feel bad about what had happened and I don't know why. I felt as though I've caused trouble for the family, too, in making the son drive all the way from London just to talk about what happened on Friday. Things were going so well with this person and I don't know why what happened on Friday, happened.

None of what happened that night or how I feel makes any sense still and I felt so dirty and disgusting that I couldn't undress for my shower.

I'm guessing the client who did this is now aware I'd reported what happened to the office and I really hope he isn't upset as the whole thing has upset me.

[kaliope]

i am sorry this has happened to you. i imagine that you have had abuse in your past that has been triggered for this to have had such an impact on you. if you dont have a counselor, perhaps scheduling an appt to talk about what happened will help you sort out your feelings. you have done nothing wrong and in no way solicited this behavior from this gentleman. i imagine his grief and discontinuing his medication impaired his judgment to the point of misinterpreting your friendly banter and causing him to do what he did. i am sure if not for his impaired mental state he would have not done this to you and meant no ill will or harm to you and would be mortified that he has caused you such pain.

[starfruit504]

I admire your strength and courage in reporting this incident. I know it had to be hard but you did the right thing.

It's only normal to be upset when someone you trusted crossed your personal boundaries. It's not acceptable for your client to hug you, caress you, etc. The fact is he violated you. You have every right to feel disgusted. I understand why you feel bad for "causing trouble" because I'm sure I've gone there too when my boundaries have been violated in the past. But I promise you, you did nothing wrong. Your actions were entirely appropriate. I'm sorry that your client breeched your trust and essentially muddied what was once a really good working relationship. He tore that down and made you report him. It's not your fault.

There are times when it seems like the whole world is a minefield when you're a woman. So many things cross the line into a sexual area when they shouldn't. I had a professor who made a move on me after working with me for a year on a study project and recommending me to grad schools. I had been so proud of his mentorship and felt really confident about grad school. Then I found out he had this sexual interest in me, and it made me feel awful about myself. "Of course he just wants sex. Of course he didn't see anything intellectually promising in me." -- that's the kind of thinking I had to unlearn. Judgment here shouldn't fall on the victim, it belongs on the perpetrator.

The responsibility lies in the hands of those who violate boundaries, not those who enforce those boundaries. ::wishing you peace::