[Clementine98]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm a 16 year old girl. I want to tell my story, but it might be a little long, sorry about that. I hope someone reads it though, and can give me an answer. Also if my English is bad, sorry about that too, it's not my native language.

So last year I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I've had symptoms of anxiety disorder for pretty much my whole life, but it was never really bad. Until last year at the end of summer. I was having really bad heart palpitations and it felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart over and over again. So we called a doctor and he said it was fine, and it was probably just a panic attack. After that night everything changed. I was having panic attacks every night. My parents did not understand mental illness at all at this point, so they did not take it well.
There were a lot of things that happened and I blocked a lot of those things out of my mind, so I don't remember most of it but I Will try to remember as much as I can.

Once I was having a bad panic attack in the middle of the night. This was when panic attacks were pretty new to me so I was freaking out. A lot. And so I grabbed some pens that were lying on my table and threw them on the floor. (Don't ask me why) this woke my dad up and he came into my room while I was still freaking out a lot. He got angry at me so I started freaking out even more and threw my scissors on the floor (I know this sounds bad but I really thought I was dying at that moment so I wasn't really thinking straight) so then my dad suddenly punched me in the face and I fell on my bed, I saw a white flash and heard a loud beep in my head. Like I almost got knocked out. And by the way, he didn't do it to make me "snap out of it" he did it out of anger.

Getting hit when I did something wrong was pretty normal for me when I was little, sometimes with a wooden spoon if I was really being naughty but I had never been punched before that moment.

I had a job bringing people newspapers. And for some reason my parents were really strict about this job. Once I went home to rest for a bit because it was pretty hard work. And my dad just started to insult me for no reason so I said I wasn't going to do the papers. (I was mad) and then he just grabbed me and slammed me into a door which gave me a black eye. This happened about 3 times (the black eye) and my teacher noticed there was something wrong so he told me I had to go and talk to this counselor at school and I did. She then invited my parents and told them they can't hurt me anymore. And they stopped hurting me physically then. Because they didn't want to get in trouble anymore.

Let's go back to the panic attacks. I was having them every night and my mom hated me for it. She has told me many times that I should die. She has told me I should have never been born. That I should fall off the balcony and break my skull. That I am worthless. That she hates me. She asked what she did wrong to have such a child. She told me that if I died she would finally have peace. All because my panic attacks annoyed her. I heard these things EVERY DAY. She also mocked me everyday and pretended she was me having a panic attack in a very mean way. She laughed at me while I was having the attacks. One time I was lying on the floor while I was having a attack because lying on the cold floor usually helped me calm down a little. But it just kept getting worse and worse. So I was coughing and scraping my throat because I could not breathe and thought I was dying and then my mom just came and kicked me hard in my back and calling me horrible names.

She also told me more than once that my panic disorder was worse for her then for me because she had to be around me having panic attack all the time and that it was so annoying so that she was affected more by it ten me and she said "you should be happy you're not me, I have it worse than you because of your panic disorder."

Once the police came because we were arguing so loud, and the police lady then blamed me for everything and insulted me. That's when I lost all hope.

Now I'll tell you about the worst night of my life. I was having the worst panic attack of my life and it lasted about three hours so I called my mom into my room and ask her to please stay with me for a while. She said she wanted to sleep and I started hyperventilating so so bad. My dad came into my room and said I should stop whining. And he turned off my light. But when I'm having a panic attack I cant be in the dark or Ill start panicking so much more. So I turned it on again and then he screwed out the light bulb and my mom and dad both left me in the dark and went upstairs. I was still hyperventilating so much and I was begging, like literally begging my mom to come and comfort me and my dad to put the light bulb back in but they didn't come. So I went upstairs into their bedroom and my dad got angry and went downstairs and my mom was crying so I felt really sad for her and she said maybe it was better if I die so I will be a peace. and this time not out of anger. Just because she wanted me to be at peace.

I think all o this left me so scarred. Because those terrible things my mom said to me, I believe them to this day. I feel worthless all the time, and it makes me very depressed. But whats worse is when she was crying and said it would be better if I died. That really damaged me. Because since that day I was having these short movies in my head all the time where my mom would find me dead and she would be devastated and regret all the things she said to me and that made me so sad. Because despite all those things I still loved her with all of my heart and every time I was having a panic attack I would still try and hug my mom even if she pushes me away every time. I just wanted my moms love so badly because I loved her so much. Ans sometimes she would show me love just for a short time. Telling me everything will be okay, hugging me. And that made me feel so happy. But the next minute she would insult me again.

I also found out my mom was cheating on my dad. I told her that I knew and she said that if I told my dad she would move very far away. i told my dad anyway. And my mom got so mad she told me I was the one breaking our family apart. She told my dad I lied and he believes her to this day. I never said anything again. My mom isn't cheating anymore so I just let it be.

These are the things my dad used to do when he was mad: slap me. Grab my neck really tight, push me, pick me up and then drop me on the floor in my room from pretty high up. But he hasn't laid a finger on me in a year
now.

And now I overcame my anxiety disorder by myself. And my life is good now. I really don't have anything to complain about. But I am so confused.

My parents are nice to me now. My mom tells me she's proud of me everyday that she loves me, that i'm the prettiest girl in the world. My dad is so nice to me, when I ask him if he can get me something from the store he happily does so. If you would meet my parents you would think they're the nicest people ever. Me and my dad joke around every day now. Me and my mom have the best conversations now. And I love them so much. But how can I forget the hell they put me through?

But can I just count on them when I'm not mentally ill? Do I just forgive and forget? How do I live with the damage they did? How can I not grow up to be confused? Am I just a whiny baby while so many people go through worse things?

I have so many questions.

[WibblyWobbly]

You said the panic attacks started last summer but your dad hasn't laid a finger on you in a year... But all the physical abuse, the punch in the face, black eyes, etc, didn't that happen after your panic attacks started? And how long has it been since you overcame your anxiety and your parents started acting loving? Were they loving before the panic attacks?

I'm just trying to get a clear picture before I reply to your questions at the end of your post.

[Clementine98]

Originally Posted by WibblyWobbly

You said the panic attacks started last summer but your dad hasn't laid a finger on you in a year... But all the physical abuse, the punch in the face, black eyes, etc, didn't that happen after your panic attacks started? And how long has it been since you overcame your anxiety and your parents started acting loving? Were they loving before the panic attacks?

I'm just trying to get a clear picture before I reply to your questions at the end of your post.

Ok, let me explain. The panic attacks started at the end of the summer in 2014. The counselor told my parents to stop hurting me in may 2015, I remember that. So it hasn't been a year, but 5 months.

The panic attacks stopped in June of 2015, I think. My mom started acting loving about a month later, because at first she didn't believe they had stopped. My dad already kind of acted loving during the time I had panic attacks, but just when I wasn't having them at that moment, if that makes sense.

I'd say they were pretty loving before the attacks started. But we used to fight a lot ever since when I was really young. And my dad could be pretty aggressive during those fights, and my mom could be really verbally aggressive. Those fights happened pretty often. And my dad had hit me in the face a lot of times before the attacks started. But only while I wasn't behaving well. One time my lip was bleeding a lot after he slapped me. And this was way before the attacks.

Really occasionally, he would hit me for small things. For example when we were riding a bike and I didn't use hands signals when I would make a turn because I couldn't hold the handlebars with one hand properly, and my dad slapped me hard across the face.

My mom could be verbally aggressive, and she would insult me often when we were fighting, and insult me whenever I had a problem she didn't like. And sometimes she slapped me, or hit me on the head repeatedly, when we were fighting.

But when we weren't fighting they were pretty loving, allowed me to do a lot of things, did fun things with me sometimes.

I hope that cleared things up

[starfruit504]

If the main question is "Is this abuse?" the answer is yes. The APA defines abuse as:

Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.

Physical abuse refers to the injury of a child on purpose, e.g., striking, kicking, beating, biting or any action that leads to physical injury.

Being punched in the face and nearly losing consciousness would amount to physical abuse.

The sudden onset of panic attacks you had seem to be further evidence that you were physically or emotionally abuse.

While everything appears to be fine with your parents now and you no longer have panic attacks, you feel hurt and resentment over how they handled your panic disorder. I would suggest bringing this up with your therapist -- or if you'd rather bring it up with your school counselor. These are all issues they are adept at helping one to cope with. You should also see a T just to talk about your anxiety and make sure these panic attacks don't return, maybe find out what the triggers are.