[Whiteroses02]

It's only been in the past year that I disclosed to my therapist that I experienced sexual trauma as a child. It took a lot to admit because I so heavily blamed myself because for one I didn't know if it even counted because it was by my cousin who was only 3 years my elder and that although I knew it wasn't normal and it was wrong there was many times I took comfort in what was happening because of the attention he gave me. Now that I have opened up to my T and to another therapist covering her maternity leave it has begun to open my eyes to a lot.
Through their empathic responses and reading posts in here and listening to others experiences in various podcasts I'm finally starting to realize all the shame and isolation and feelings of self hatred and disgust, thinking that I'm so different, and the intense guilt is so common amoung survivors. Understanding that my shameful sexual fantasies are actually common and normal adaptations of the brain trying to figure out the trauma has given me this sense of relief and self compassion.

From these discoveries and the guidance of my therapists I've begun to finally correlate that my mental health issues of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, intense body hatred can be linked to sexual trauma. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I think I'm finally on a journey to true inner understanding. And maybe the lifelong belief of feeling like a disgusting freak on the outside of society looking in is not the truth, instead a psychological response to a childhood trauma.

Anyone else go through these realizations? I find myself accepting them one minute and then fighting against it the next.

[Whiteroses02]

I apologize for the grammar atrocities in the above post. It is like one giant run on sentence. But I decided not to edit it as I just typed out what I was thinking without editing my thoughts.

[CopperStar]

I think it can be a lot harder if you were not supported and validated by family regarding the abuse, too.

I was heavily invalidated, ignored, gaslighted and so on when it came to my abuse, so by the time I was an older teenager it was pretty much game-over in my mind. I had been conditioned to deny my own reality, my own emotions, my cause-and-effect experiences.

I think that has and continues to play a big part in my difficulties when it comes to connecting my childhood experiences and my adulthood psychological ailments.

Whiteroses, (((hugs))). So many people have suffered this but it is taboo to talk about. I am grateful that the world allows us to deal with these things and to heal. I am happy for all the progress you are making and i hope it gets easier. tc

[ChipperMonkey]

I'm working on shame.

(Although I would like to kick EVERY former therapist I've ever had for NOT explaining shame to me! I mean I'm not ashamed of what happened to me in the least, but I have been carrying around a lot of self hatred.)

[hauntedswamp]

Whiteroses, our situations are almost identical, it's uncanny. It is really so comforting to hear my feelings, thoughts, etc echoed by another. Thank you for sharing, and I loved that you did not edit it for punctuation.

If it helps, I also oscillate back and forth between accepting and fighting against these realizations. I know for me it has been very difficult to a) revisit all of these emotions in a real and present way, and b) heal the festering damage that's built up inside of me all this time. But I think the back and forth is just part of wrestling with a complex situation. And I think wrestling with it is the only way to deal with it for good.