I apologise in advance for the following vent as it is probably going to be quite long but this will probably(hopefully) be the only time I will need to write the full tale to share this huge chunk of why I am me and here on PC. If anyone can relate or offer some advice on how to put this stuff behind me, I would greatly appreciate any input...

I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl, between the ages of 3-6 my oldest brother (8 years elder) molested me. I told my Mum when I was 8 what had happened as he started emotionally abusing me and I was scared it would start up again. She called me a liar and told me to never repeat it again. He left me alone as I had told him I would tell my Dad but he hated me for it and let me know every day until he left home. Also From that moment on my Mum began treating me as her enemy, she expected a lot of me around the house and allowed all of my brothers to physically hit me when I acted out, when I complained to my Dad she made it out to be my fault, he was not around much as I know now he was avoiding her wrath as well. At some times of guilt she would buy me gifts but I never looked after them and so I was further punished, I think I valued little of what she gave me materially as I knew she disliked me so much - they were of no real value to me. From around the age of 10 she began ignoring me completely and would go out every weekend with her friends and often leave me at home alone, thankfully my eldest brother left home that year too, she ceased caring about me unless we had company and would do nothing to help me with my hygiene or physical care so I had no idea and was bullied for that by family and school mates for always looking wild, I am a girl I was meant to just know that stuff right? she also started bad mouthing me to whomever she could from that moment on. This pattern has continued my whole life and everyone seemed to turn a blind eye because she was so manipulative. I now know what she did was the start of a smear campaign. I also did not find out until I was older that my mother had this eldest brother whom she favoured at 16 to another Man who did not want anything to do with her, so she had him charged with statutory rape and she then convinced my inexperienced father whom she met at church to marry her when my brother was 18 months old. This was all kept a secret to protect my eldest brother. My parents did divorce in my early teen years and it was an all out emotional war.

Needless to say I was a very angry child/teenager/young adult and lashed out. All this sadly has allowed her to say she was right about me all along and yet I still went back to her for more because I wanted her love. I was unable to be a victim because I acted out and did so many stupid things and abused substances in those years

After cutting tyes with my eldest brother at 22 and after having my own daughter at 26 I finally confronted my Mum for what I wanted to be the last time about my sexual abuse. She pretended to care for a week until my brother threatened to cut her off so she went into crazy mode and said I was ruining her life by not moving on,a month after that she faked having cancer and felt her health would improve if we (me) "started fresh and moved on " . I cut her off for a bit but once again went back in a time of desperation. When I saw there was no follow up care for this so called cancer in the year to come and her anger was starting to get out of control I started distancing myself.

I got some help and I discovered my Mother is what one would call a malignant narcissist, she ticks every box and it was a revelation of epic proportions when I discovered information about NPD's!

I discovered I was the scapegoat and finally knew why!

After a few more test runs and for the sake of my own daughter, I finally went no contact with my Mother three years ago. She tried to stalk me for the first year after and intrude in my daughters life but I have managed to stay strong and keep her out. No further damage has incurred but my Mother and my oldest brother still fill me with so much anger on a daily basis. It is like I am stuck in this time warp.

Both also lead very successful careers, though I know this has come at a cost of hurting others to get to where they are and they are very materialistic people which I detest. They have what I would call a close for the camera and social media relationship. I think you know those type of people and TBH whenever I hear anything about either of them, be it their new flash cars or holidays I feel like throwing up. I have deleted all of my own social media accounts and cut off mutual friends and family to avoid hearing about either of them.

I just do not wish any good upon them. I think this makes me a bitter and vengeful person and I thoroughly dislike that about myself.

I am not laying blame for the fact I am sinking in life in all areas, I wish I could move on and lead a more fulfilling life, I take full responsibility of my life at 35 years of age. But the fact is I am unable to hold relationships with Men and not feel sick to the stomach at the slightest sign of real intimacy. I do not trust many women. the worst part is that I am so over-protective and over care my 9 year old daughter I fear I am smothering her and not allowing her to learn life skills because I am over-compensating for the lack of care I received.

S.O.S!

Well, thank you for reaching out, Dear Soggy - I really hope it helps to get it all out there.

You have every right to be disgusted and dismayed (aka "bitter") over your toxic family members. Indeed, there would be something absolutely wrong with you if their treatment of you didn't affect you to this day. So, please cut yourself some slack and don't assume it should not be affecting you at this stage of your life.

Your mother is not only a malignant narcissist but when you initially confronted her about your brother she was forced to confront just how deep her mistake revolving around his existence was. No fault of your own, but I'm sure she felt like she was "getting her nose rubbed into it", so to speak. That is especially unforgivable to a narcissist. Be ever so thankful you've gone no contact - the very best thing you could do for yourself even though it's painful.

Forgive yourself for all the acting out and focus on becoming the best you you can be. No perfection is ever expected and personal healing and growth are a journey. No magic pills and it's generally not easy. Sometimes there are leaps and epiphanies, more often baby steps,'and, yes, a step back here and there. But, the path is always forward when you're willing and able.

Society, movies, self help books - they all preach forgiveness. Don't fall for it! What I mean is don't beat yourself over feeling the way you do towards your mother and brother. You are justified. As you heal, and if you are so inclined, accept. Forgive - or no! Let the focus be on you and your daughter, the good that IS and the good that is to be.

You are in therapy, I hope?

There are some wonderful people on YouTube who produce channels on narcissism. It's one thing to finally put a label on these N-people, but it is so helpful to learn more in order to process the trauma you've been through.

I hope others here can offer their perspectives.

Hugs!

Thank you Onward for such a thoughtful response to my post, I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am to not only be acknowledged but also understood and your advice about forgiveness is in tune with what I have been grasping at, I don't wish to forgive, just to move on and find peace of mind with my own mother-daughter relationship.

One of my first "Ah-Huh" moments I had post realisation of what my Mother is you articulated so well - she had her nose rubbed in it. I made a grave mistake so young and had no idea. He has always had the upper hand with her and married a woman just like her at a very early age so I can see patterns and explinations in so many more areas even between them I could not see before.

I am not currently in therapy but am on a waiting list to return hopefully in the coming months, public health care in Australia is sometimes a case of luck of the draw when it comes to mental health.

I agree it is such a relief to have a name for these people. I will look on youtube

Thank you once again and hugs in return!

I just had to come back and say youtube. wow duck yes!

This clip and this guy is blowing my mind. I am part of this parenting cult of empath black sheep

[nicoleflynn]

Have you considered therapy? My mom was overprotective.....it can make one fear the world, etc., and I know you don't want that.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Have you considered therapy? My mom was overprotective.....it can make one fear the world, etc., and I know you don't want that.

I am on a waiting list to get back into therapy, and you're right, it's certainly not the world I want to create or live in

Originally Posted by soggyweetbix

I just had to come back and say youtube. wow duck yes!

This clip and this guy is blowing my mind. I am part of this parenting cult of empath black sheep

So glad you found Grannon's videos! I really like Dana of "Thrive After Abuse" as well. I believe she also runs an online support group, so that might be something to consider as your waiting it out on the waiting list (good luck with that by the way.)

You may be interested in Bessel Van der Kolk's amazing (IMO) book "The Body Keeps The Score" - incredible insight as to trauma resulting from childhood abuse, the neuroscience of why/how it affects us as adults, and some therapies to address it. The reviews on Amazon is what led me to taking the plunge and purchase it.

I'm so thankful that the words I offered you were helpful. Many blessings to you.

Originally Posted by Onward

So glad you found Grannon's videos! I really like Dana of "Thrive After Abuse" as well. I believe she also runs an online support group, so that might be something to consider as your waiting it out on the waiting list (good luck with that by the way.)

You may be interested in Bessel Van der Kolk's amazing (IMO) book "The Body Keeps The Score" - incredible insight as to trauma resulting from childhood abuse, the neuroscience of why/how it affects us as adults, and some therapies to address it. The reviews on Amazon is what led me to taking the plunge and purchase it.

I'm so thankful that the words I offered you were helpful. Many blessings to you.

Thank you once again! I will look up the book and Thrive after abuse this evening, very grateful