[pachyderm]

I don't remember much about my past, most of the time.

In my present home I have two bedroom closets. The door on one of them is just an ordinary door, with a latch, so that when the door is closed, it is not easily opened. In the summer time I have a device which absorbs moisture in the closet, and I keep the door closed to keep the humidity around my clothes down.

One of my cats likes to go into that closet. When I have the door open to get some clothes out, she sometimes dashes past me into the closet. Or she meows at the door to be let in. She seems to like the darkness and privacy of the closet -- her own private nest. When she goes in there, I close the door to keep the summer humidity down. Of course, the cat in there produces some moisture too, but I figure that is less than the humidity if I left the door open.

When the cat wants out, she meows plaintively. As soon as I hear the meow I let her out, of course. But when reflect on it, I hear a small child crying to be let out. I don't exactly remember, but in my mind's eye, instead of a caring mother letting a child out, I think only of a hateful reaction, from the person who put the child in the closet in the first place. Instead of comfort, I recall a wild increase in hate directed towards the begging child.

This was the reaction I am familiar with from childhood. I think I understand now a lot more about why a person would react to a child's panic that way, than I did as a child. But I am still dealing with the memories and expect to be treated the same way as in the past.

[kimmydawn]

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But I am still dealing with the memories and expect to be treated the same way as in the past.

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What a huge realization to have, and very important to the healing process...or was for me.

I'm so sorry that today is indicative of some of the ugly that might be past...what it might be indicative of...

We're here as you continue to learn and share.

pachyderm, are you in therapy? If so, can you take this to therapist to read?

Can you find little ways to comfort yourself right now...the part(s) of you tapping into this somewhere?

KD

[pachyderm]

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kimmydawn said:

pachyderm, are you in therapy? If so, can you take this to therapist to read?

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Yes, I have found a therapist trained in dealing with "child abuse", for the first time in my life. I have already spoken of this "experience in remembering" to my T. But it helps me, in organizing my thoughts and understanding more what happened, to write it down.

[kimmydawn]

I so understand that...truly. It helped me immensely. It helped more when I was in a different place, to go back and read and be able to put the different things together...at once...something rare for me.

I'm glad you have a therapist to speak with as well.

We're here too.

KD

[pachyderm]

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kimmydawn said:

We're here too.

KD

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The hardest thing, it seems, that I have to deal with is the knowledge that I capitulated under the "ferocity" of the abuse -- maybe especially because the person who abused me hated me more for that capitulation. I wasn't strong enough/didn't have the resources available to successfully fight back. I had to "go away" mentally to survive. But I have to deal with it now, rather than continue to deny it.