[Mzhadey]

Hello everyone, I found this forum while surfing the Internet looking for similar stories after having another of my fathers yelling, belittling me and ruining what is left of my esteem. Indeed I am tired and I feel like one day I would loose it all and end it all. I would rant on here as much as I can and even though I might not be coherent with my write up, I hope you all would still be able to understand my issues. I HATE MY FATHER AND MY MOTHER SO MUCH
I cannot remember what my early childhood was like but from the moment I can remember, it was that of an abusive father who would beat my mother to stupor and they had yelled at each other. But she never left him. My father would beat me for not doing very well in school even when I came second in class and he and my mother would set me off against each other and if and when I support one person more, I was in for all sorts of verbal abuse and I was mostly blamed and tagged as the home wrecker by my mum. As if that was not enough, there also was a family freind who lived with us and he started to sexually abuse me when I was six years old, and for every time I tried to tell my mother even when she noticed I could not walk very well and I had tears between my thighs, she would not listen but would beat the hell out of me claiming I was been rude to an elder and I deserved whatever punishment I got. I guess that was all the confirmation he needed as he sexually abused me for another 6 years until I was "dumped" into a boarding school that was my only place of refuge from the abusive parents and uncle. Growing up was tough as I never had love from my parents, they were constantly fighting and I kept moving from one relative to the other thus I had to grow up quickly knowing that my life was different from every other kids. My mother would beat and yell at me at any given time, she would severely brutalise my body if I peed in bed, she would starve me for days for everytime someone reported me that I wronged them and it made me question if she was really my biological mother. All of these coupled with my father with my father physically, verbally and emotionally abusing me as he calls me a failure, calls me a prostitute and all sort of derogatory words you can think of. Now I am a 26 year old lady with two university degrees and starting my Masters programme in September, but I still feel like I have failed myself, I do not have any career directions and gathering more academic qualifications is my only escape from home to sanity. somehow I feel like I have not only failed myself but I have failed my younger ones as I was not able to protect them from verbal and emotional abuse, at the same time I don't have a good relationship with them as I am always angry within myself. I am always sad and I dread seeing my father or even his calls as it is always a negative vibe for every conversation. Even though he only pays for my school fees and he leaves me to fend for myself, and I put a roof over my head working two jobs and extra long shifts, he still calls me a failure and finds something wrong with everything I do. People have suggested that I block him out of my life but I cannot because he is the financially stable one so he would threaten to not sponsor my younger ones if I thought of running away forever or ignoring him and I cannot afford for that to happen. I hate my mother because all she wants from me is money and for every time I am not able to provide, she gulit trip me and says stuffs like she regretted ever staying with my father because of me and worse of all was when I finally told her 5 years ago that I was sexually abused, all she muttered was that I should forgive the rapist because there was nothing she could do about it as she has forgiven him which it is not her place to forgive.
It broke my heart that my mother would not fight for me and it just killed my heart more that she only cared about herself. I have still not been able to forgive this rapist of an uncle and it shreds my heart every time I think of those times he raped me.
I did tell my father too and even though he seemed genuinely concerned, it only took a day for him to be nice to me only for him to spring up on me the next day that I must have enjoyed the sex for me to have kept it to myself for that long. How heartbreaking can that be for anyone?
Up till date my father still yells at me and it's so bad that my heart starts to stomp right in front of him and I shake. I have tried doing everything right to please him but he never sees it. I am tired and fed up of this type of life. My freinds think I am a happy go lucky girl because I am always smiling and happy for them, I care for my freinds and everyone thinks I am the most generous human but deep down I only I've and care because I want to keep them around me. For every man that I have dated, they always left me because I look to good to be true, whatever that means. Even when I try to discuss my issues with them, they always believe I am a strong girl and I would be alright. But then again I am tired of been strong and at thesame time I am tired of wallowing in pain and crying myself to sleep. All I want is just for my father to see how hardworking I actually am and how I have been able to make something out life despite of all these obstacles. I just want him to LOVE me again. It's so sad and it breaks my heart that I cannot make claims to simple things like taking a picture with my father, having a normal conversation with him, I cannot even hug him. It is really sad and I don't know what to do.

P.S- I have tried getting some family members to talk to him, but it always backfires on me because he is a rich man and they all want a share of his money so they kiss his ***.
I have Also seen my school counsellor at some point as I was always heavily saddened for days and I was always in and out of mood swings, I found her helpful for my first two sessions, but afterwards, I started to sound like a broken record for everytime I went in and even though I felt better at her office, I would start to feel sad as soon as I step out of her office. I am sorry for the long epistle, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

To everyone who gets to read this thank you

[Quarter life]

Hey Mzhadey.

Psych Central is very welcoming community, offering breathing space and extra support…. many good listeners here, we're a pretty good bunch.

I have been an active member of this site for over 2 years. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. For those that feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......this is the place. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums to be a welcome distraction... a great way to have some well needed fun, and meet like minded others. New members also benefit greatly from perusing the many forums available here …...so much to explore. Also after 5 posts new members have the option to join the chat room discussions or private chat with other members.

Should you have any questions on navigating this site, or even just to chat one on one…. please don't hesitate to private message me or any of the other Community Liaisons who will be more than happy to help. Just click on the screen name above my avatar.

As for the poll on parents...I don't think it is usual to have no love for ones parents. However, sometimes circumstances in life cause us to become alienated or estranged from family members. I think it is important to self protect when it comes to people we allow in our lives. Parents are meant to encourage and support us in our endeavours...I get this support & encouragement from a small group of friends outside of my family unit.

Please be kind to yourself Mzhadey, and welcome to P.C

[Mzhadey]

Thank you quarter life. Thanjs for the reassuarance. I am also hoping been a part of this forum would make a difference. I hope to meet like minded minds like yours. As regards to the poll, i ask simply because i have got no iota of Love for either of my parents, and i wish i could love them but i cannot seem to.

[Luce]

Hello.
Yeah, its okay to hate your parents. I guess its okay (if not very painful) if some part of you still wants their love, too. Seems to me its all normal under the circumstances.
we have some similarities in our stories. our mother never protected us, she practically handed us to him. We hate them both. where I live fathers day is coming up. Won't that be fun.

[Unrigged64072835]

With all that abuse I can see why you would hate your parents. My parents fought with each other, my dad physically abused me and my mom was an alcoholic. I didn't get much care or love from them either. Like you, I had been the strong one until I had a nervous breakdown in 2012. I was over 40 at the time. My parents are now gone and I don't miss them that much. I had to reparent myself--give myself the love and affection I didn't get from them. That was a lot of therapy but it was worth it. When they were alive I didn't talk to them until right before my mom passed away. I think the limited contact and therapy helped a lot.

[Mzhadey]

Hello fharriage thank you for your response, it's relieving to know that I am not the only one facing this sorta thing. I am always sceptical when it comes to therapy because I get eager at the start then I start to wizzle out because I start to sound like a broken record and I always feel like the therapist is always patronising me and just want to say nice things to me. I know it sounds weird but that's how I feel. Thank you anyways I appreciate your response. Xo