Normal to crave affection from abuser ?

During some of my critical formative years (17-21), I stayed with my maternal aunt. For more than four years, she treated me like a sub-human. I suffered unbearably. During that time, I went from being a straight A 4.0 student to probation. And, I almost ended my life once.

Anyway, the subject I want to discuss here is based on probably one of the darkest/strangest thoughts my mind has come up with.

This started during the emotional abuse ... I started to crave love and affection (and it even bordered on sexual intimacy) from my abuser. What I wanted more than anything else was for her to put her arms around me and kiss me and tell me she loved me and that I wasn't worthless. I often fantasized about her coming into my room, locking the door, and showering me with love and affection.

In the midst of being her slave, I wanted to see that she could treat me nicely. I wanted her affection. (I still fantasize about it)

Every time she smiled at me or called me "honey", I would hold on to her gestures and relish them because they were the few rare instances of her being nice to me.

Can anyone relate ? Is it normal for the abused to crave love/affection from an emotional abuser ?

Completely normal. You were being starved and were craving the food that would feed you.

I was abused by me step mom, neglected and abandoned by my mother, all I wanted in the world was a mom, and I kept going and kept going to my step mom trying to get that from her. As a child, how would you know that it was never going to happen?

Yes, that's normal. It was a bit different but I really craved love and more than anything for my dad to be proud of me. The worse he got the more I just wanted to here the words, "I'm so proud of you. I love you." Something I wanted even more was for him to just once do the opposite of what he always said, and instead tell me that I was smart and going places in life.
The messed up part, I still do. I can't get passed it.
You're not alone on this one.

Yes, I felt this too from both parents. Of course this desire would have me fall for anyone who would give me a crumb of affection. It took me a long time to get over it, and sometimes I think I'm still not.

Yes it is, at least from what I can gather.

Affection is a really important part of human mental health, and when you're starved of it there's certainly consequences regarding that both physically and mentally. Especially if you were starved for several years, your mind is seeking out affection, and desiring it, wherever it can find it, so it naturally grabbed onto the little things and hopes that those few moments your aunt had made.

I'm right there with you, and it sucks, but I'm glad you're away from her, at least that's what it seems like.

OMG, yes !!! Thank you. No one could have put it any better than you did !

Yes, thank you ! That explains why I've always much preferred strong, dominant, older women (I'm a guy, BTW) who would throw me occasional scraps of affection. Maybe I'm looking for my aunt in these women.

Speaking of affection:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...y-affectionate

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ion-can-do-you

It sounds normal to me. Isn't that why women stay with their abusive husbands? I'm sure they have more reasons but there is usually a pattern of abuse, make-up, love again then back to abuse. The cycle repeats.

What you are describing here is that you tend to pick these type of women because you want to figure out "how" to please them, something that you never could seem to do in your past.

Unfortunately, the problem with that quest is you are courting women that simply do not have the capacity to "appreciate" you or anyone for that matter.
Try to remember, it's normal for a human child to want to please and be loved and appreciated. It's not the child's fault if the mother or caregiver is not capable of loving and appreciating that child in a "healthy" way.

Wow, there is so much insight in your post ! Thank you !!!

I totally agree ... and this is something I've never been able to see for myself, but now that you mentioned it, yes, I seem to pick women who make it challenging for me to please them.

The other thing I got from your response was, and I've always felt strongly about this myself, that I am still a child in many ways, because I didn't get to "grow up". I feel like I'm 33 going on 13.

Thanks again !

Yes, it's very possible that in some respects you are behind when it comes to maturity level. You will not make gains however by seeking out the kind of women that don't give you the kind of respect and appreciation and love that your mother failed at with you as well. Some men never mature that way because they keep seeking out the same women and keep failing to fill that "void" that was never their fault. It's like you keep buying a bike expecting it to be a motorcycle and you will never get to experience what it feels like to ride a motorcycle if you keep buying bicycles.

There is still time to grow an mature at your age, the good thing is you are aware of your lack and now it's important that you allow yourself to spend some time maturing.

I had the same issue when I was younger. I was 9 or so and I felt guilty. My brother went abuser went to boot camp and it was the first time that I missed him. I remember viewing him more as a partner. Looking at it now it I was young but the feelings were very real
At the time. Eventhough I hated what he did and it was difficult to deal with part of me thought that we had something special or secretive going on. It's odd to describe now and the whole thing is shameful or embarrassing to me. When he was present I feared him and I braced myself for what there was to come.