[Avaray]

I have memories of certain things as a child around probably 11 or 12 or 13?
There are certain things that I have had in my head for years, I'm now in my early 40's.
It's something I can't seem to shake and it makes me feel crazy and doubt myself, it's like I can't trust my core.
If someone else told me the things that I remember I would say yes the probability that you were abused is around over 90%. Put myself in the story and it's so full of doubt and if I ever had to confront that person and he said he didn't. ..... I would say ok. I can't trust myself, but this whole doubt, shame, secrecy has hounded me for years.
It doesn't or can't be true, but why can't I let it go, the first time I sort of brought it up I was about 17 or 18, but in confidence to my pastor.
I feel like I'm lying but that individual and the one before that would never be allowed in my house, and nowhere near my children. I know it's wrong but I found the one on fb and I sort of "stalk" him looking to see if he has contact with children that type of thing, where he is etc.
I worry if it was true although it wasn't actual. ..... It was touching while I was in bed, that sense that he had come and gone ... what if he's doing it to others or even worse and I said nothing! But what am I meant to say when I can't really remember!
He's a distant family member but hardly keeps contact with anyone, But does have the family and other people as friends on Facebook. The other day I got such a shock he requested me to be his family member! Not even his immediate family is listed as his family member only as friends, I'm the only one. I'm ashamed to say that after the shock reaction a part of me felt sort of special that he chose me to be the one he's close to, what is wrong with me, if it happened then that is sick!! I picture in my head if I ever for whatever the reason had to spend the night at his house (only a thought, I wouldn't do that) but I can picture myself sitting waiting on the bed not falling asleep, waiting with some type of something to defend myself.
I never told my parents it would and still will absolutely devistate them, and anyway what do I tell them when I can't even trust myself and my memories, I feel like I would be lying!!!
And what if it isn't true! Then how sick am I! ! I hate it all.
This thing sits on me and I can't seem to let it go.
How do I know the truth. As my psychologist says that person would probably not tell me the truth anyway....
How can I stop feeling crazy?

[Elsie6283]

I don't have any advice, I just want you to know I understand. I understand what you're feeling as I'm going through very similar. And I didn't want to read and not reply. I don't want you to feel alone.
I think we are the only ones who have the answers, we just don't know how to get to them, and maybe that is because we are protecting ourselves? Who knows. It's all so confusing.
But you're not alone.

[MtnTime2896]

Don't feel ashamed about that making you feel special. Believe it or not, it's common to want approval, affection and/or respect from our abusers. "Stalking" him online, well, that's you keeping tabs on a guy who did something to you and who could do it to someone else; it's not really that wrong (if it even is in the slightest). Trust you instinct and trust your memories. Talk this through with your therapist as much as you can to get it all on the table. I think they'll have better advice for you. Hang in there Avaray, be kind to yourself.