[Justkeepswimming85]

Hi
I'm a 31 yr old female and I've always been aware of a couple of strange happenings in my past which has always made me wonder if there was more to it. ive often found myself thinking about my childhood, I have practically no memories until I started high school at 11/12. Curiosity took hold a little more tonight and I researched the topic online, needless to say I was shocked at my findings. How closely I could relate.
I had a close relationship with one set of grandparents, less so with my other Nan but in particular my grandad. My only memories are being lifted up by him from a very young age (3,4,5...) and the way he held me,

Possible trigger:

one hand between my legs, his fingers pressing into my privates. I feel like I remember him moving his fingers, I've always thought that. Although I didn't want him to hold me I remember it being a "fun" time, playing in the kitchen with my sister and female cousin too and I'm sure he held them the same way.

My other memory is even less detailed and is simply a... flashback almost, just an image I get from time to time of him standing naked in the bathroom doorway. That's it.
I know my sister and I hated sleeping over there, but I really have no other memories whatsoever. Which I've always thoyght is a bit weird anyway but maybe I just have a bad memory.
Hiwervrr reading through the "symptoms" of adults with suppressed memories I do tick a lot if boxes. This is embarrassing but these were my findings and my feelings.
- I've had issues with weight, from starving myself being sickly thin, to be 5 stone overweight.
- I have low self esteem but usually put on a mask, but these 'signs' could be anyone!
- I find myself turned on by being/imagining I'm vbeing controlled, often brutal, violent or 'forced'
- Ive been promiscuous in the past, I still have no emotional connection to sex even though I've been with my partner 8 years
- our sex life has plummeted, I used to be practically obsessed but now I find myself turned off at the thought of it and can sometimes feel dirty
- I have a few vague memories of acting a bit sexually from a young age... flashing the boy next door from my window/ playing a game with my cousin in which we'd pretend to be asleep and put thins into each other's knickers/ pretending I'd forgotten my shorts on school sports day, wearing only gym skirt and white knickers... but being aware this would turn on the dads/teachers/boys (this is one of few memories when I was under 11)

There were many more 'symptoms' but I just wondered how this sounds to objective ears/eyes. I'd be interested in your opinions or questions.

This could be nothing which makes me feel an incredible sense of guilt!

Thanks.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Justkeepswimming85: I'm sorry I cannot really address your concerns. Hopefully other members, who can relate, will yet reply. However I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[Toller]

I don't know about forgetting. I never forgot my experience but I blanked it out from my mind. Maybe an attempt to forget the whole thing as if it never happened, maybe to protect myself. So for years it remained in the darkest corners never to surface until one day I had a meltdown. The other thing to think is that at that young age, you wouldn't have known or been able to comprehend what was happening to you. It would be akin to a fully grown adult being one day abducted by aliens. You would think what the hell was that? Do you dare tell anybody about it? Will anyone believe you? How do you even begin to describe it? Was it real? Did you imagine it? You can push it out of your mind and try to ignore it but it will have an effect on you. If you are vulnerable (and at a young age you are) then it can be easier for people to use/abuse you. Not sure about forgetting any parts though. I had an out of body experience during. Somehow my body went numb so i didn't feel anything and it was like I was standing outside my body watching what happened to me. I know it definitely happened but so convincingly shut it out.

[gmts]

I don't know what happened to you exactly, but what you describe sounds a lot to me that something DID happend to you. I think it isn't very normal that you can barely remember anything from age 12 and less, particularly as you aren't very far away from it today. For a 70+ person this might be different. @Toller describes it very well what might have happened to you.

To me both starving and overeating are ways to act something out, just like other things you describe. The reason for that could be indeed sexual abuse, but it doesn't have to be necessarily. Any other kind of abuse or trauma can do the same thing for you. I would highly recommend to find a therapist to work on this one as suddenly remembering things from the past can be extremely upsetting and emotional and it would be very helpful if you aren't alone when this happens.

[antiquedahlia]

I'm a survivor of childhoo sexual abuse and I "forgot" til I was around 19 years old. Then I started getting recollections. From my underatanding when you experience traumatic events as a child your mind will block or supress them from your memory. Sometimes a situation, smell, event, etc will trigger a memory out of suppression. Thats what happened to me. I also have trouble remembering many things as a child. I have blocked out so much. I hope this has helped. You mightcvonsider speaking to a therapist just to see if anything may come out of it though it certainly seems, from what you described that something did.

[gmts]

@antiquedahlia: how did you cope with it, when you suddenly remembered things ?

[MtnTime2896]

My situation was very similar to antiquedahlia. I "forgot" (to be honest I had habits and did things that I didn't even understand why) and then, at the same age, glorious nineteen, it came back. It started as a single image and feeling...well, it's difficult to explain that feeling emotionally, terrified/dirty/hopeless/confused as ****....It started out as one and I pushed that ****er back. After all, that couldn't have happened to me, not me. I knew I was lying to myself, but I didn't care. Two months down the road, more images came up. More feelings and not just emotional. I began having phantom pains and severe panic attacks. Then the "daydreams" also known as flashbacks, and then the nightmares and then when I couldn't take it anymore I went to my school counselor and had one hell of a breakdown. She wouldn't allow me to leave her office until a trauma worker came in to evaluate me. After a few weeks, I was diagnosed with PTSD like symptoms. After two months, I was officially diagnosed with PTSD and through tracking both school and medical records along with observations from people who knew me then; it's officially concluded that this thing happened to me. I remember most of it now, but not everything. My T tells me that I dissociated during the event and may never get certain bits back. Nothing would make me happier. I should add in here that when I use quotations for "forget", it is because I always had a weird feeling and especially after the first time I had sex. When I had sex, I realized that it wasn't my "first time" but I had no recollection of having sex prior; I pushed my feelings down then, too.

So, it is possible to "forget", in some cases. Though, I don't know how common it actually is and I'm not qualified to tell you whether or not this is the case with you. I'm going to insist you see a therapist and hopefully get this all worked out.

Stay safe and take care. And welcome to PC.

[mimsies]

I recently remembered in more detail something at a family reunion when I was barely 3. Other things happened after that, but my T always wondered if there was something earlier because of how I reacted to the later incidents.

We started talking about my fear of clowns, and my irrational but deeply believed belief that they eat people. Then.... BAM.... I started remembering specifics from the event. I am 44.

SO yeah something you don't remember can effect your behavior and emotions profoundly, then suddenly be remembered. It isn't like remembering makes it worse necessarily, but sometimes it helps explain things.

[Purple Heart]

Hi

I started having memories I had never had before when I was in my late thirties. I could never work out what was wrong with me in my teenage years and youth. Now I can explain my low self-esteem and poor identity. Having the memories meant having flashbacks and so I now have complex PTSD since there was a lot of abuse by multiple abusers.

PH

[TishaBuv]

Yes, it is possible.

My sister recently told me about something our father did to her. I have no memory of any inappropriateness from him toward me, but I was a young child and she was a developed teenager.

It's made me wonder if something might have been done to me. But I'm just going to put that out of my mind.

I'm so sad to hear what she told me and our father died shortly thereafter and is not here to defend himself.