[Zedsdead]

I have been In a relationship with my partner for 5 years. Engaged to be married this summer. We have 2 children together, have had normal ups and downs but in the past 1-2 years i have grown suspicious of emotional abuse in our relationship.
I thought maybe I was overreacting because for one, he said so. For 2, i was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties and it was starting to bring back memories of those feelings.
Hiding my belongings, refusing to talk to me for days, refusing to discuss any problems about our relationship or finances etc. Gets angry at me if I ask for help with children or money. Lacks compassion for people in general. Fails to support us as a family, is quite a financial burden.

I was dealing with a lot of self doubt about leaving him and having a 'broken family'. He acts desperate for me to stay with him, he acts like a great family man overall in front of people.. i often wonder if i AM overreacting.
During the holidays I decided to break the silence to my mother and sisters of what was going on. Every single one of them backed him up and told me I was being way too harsh.
Now I'm completely lost, i have felt sad for months about my partner and his actions and now I feel like i might be crazy on top of that. Am I imagining this pain that he is causing me?

I don't know anymore.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Zedsdead: I don't think I can comment with regard to your concerns. However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Zedsdead: I don't think I can comment with regard to your concerns. However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

Thank you i dont have many people close to talk to so I thought joining here would be beneficial.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Hi. ((HUGS))
You are not crazy. If he acts like this now it is not likely to get better. I am not in an unbiased state but, I can say that it is ALWAYS HUGE REDFLAGS when..1. He says it's all in your head. Some of it maybe....but ALL of it?..very unlikely
He may not see himself as an abusive person and I'm sure he has good qualities as well..but a person who ALWAYS or almost always deflects all blame on to you??..this is the hall mark of an emotionally controlling abuser. 2. Treats others better than you and or treats you like gold only in front of others/acts like the perfect dad ONLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS...you see my key point here?..yes, people are more real and feel more comfortable showing more of themselves in private, and most people have a public mask they wear, but it shouldn't feel like a complete lie. If it were in the realm of normal it would feel like he was protecting all of you from scrutiny...not just trying to make himself look good. Putting public self image over truly caring about loved ones and reflecting blame/never at fault...these are very narcissistic behaviors. Having narcissistic qualities or even having NPD doesn't make someone a bad abusive person, but the inability to own these qualities and lack of listening and aknowleding you feelings or even trying at all to understand how his behavior and words effect you and your relationship. This is a problem. If he can not acknowledge any imperfection or need to work on himself and or contribute more to the relationship 5yrs in...then unfortunately it probably will not get much better. Hopefully it doesn't get worse.
Bottom line. Everyone has issues. For a relationship to work both must be able to give and take owning their own issues and accepting the others as well. If both sides can not do this to a point where whatever is not owned or accepted is just minor and not building hurt and resentment..the relationship is dysfunctional. If you are very unhappy now and he refuses to own any part of that or doesn't seem responsive at all or seem to care that you are not happy..then I would say either in the relationship or not apparently you are on your own...if he's not going to be part of the solution then it's up to you to decide based in how he is now and how his behavior has progress over the course of this relationship..what is your feeling about the long term prognosis? Would you rather be alone in a relationship unhappy waiting for the other party to hopefully step up? Or would you rather just be alone alone?..it's really up to you. These things are to complex for anyone outside to accurately judge. But Please Know YOU ARE NOT CRAZY...and please if you've already been there and you see it happening again and this is not a new relationship were talking 5yrs in. You know the differences between him and your ex! Do NOT ignore what you feel
Be Safe! Be Well! and Keep Writing!
-LITW

[Zedsdead]

Thank you SO much for the kind words! I really needed to hear it.
Everything about him lately screams narcisst.. he lies to me non stop and it's draining. I just want him to go back to the way he was 2+ years ago. He has become a different person completely and it hurts because we have children!!

I go from feeling hurt and angry at him while hes ignoring me. I try to sit down with him and discuss and he just refuses. Says we don't need to talk, when I tell him im unhappy he shakes his head and leaves the room. This can last for days and then suddenly hes back to 'normal'. Apologizes, wants to spend time with me, have sex, hold hands and just back to how we used to be.. i begin to think maybe my hormones got me angry at him, maybe i really am sensitive and just need to relax a little! Hes not so bad afterall.. then after a day or 2 hes angry again and it leaves me wondering what the hell just happened.

I think il feel better eventually being alone without him. Less resentment and try to build my self esteem back up. It just hurts that my experiences are then minimized by my family.. it makes my self doubt pile up which makes leaving even harder.

[graceandjoy]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

I have been In a relationship with my partner for 5 years. Engaged to be married this summer. We have 2 children together, have had normal ups and downs but in the past 1-2 years i have grown suspicious of emotional abuse in our relationship.
I thought maybe I was overreacting because for one, he said so. For 2, i was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties and it was starting to bring back memories of those feelings.
Hiding my belongings, refusing to talk to me for days, refusing to discuss any problems about our relationship or finances etc. Gets angry at me if I ask for help with children or money. Lacks compassion for people in general. Fails to support us as a family, is quite a financial burden.

I was dealing with a lot of self doubt about leaving him and having a 'broken family'. He acts desperate for me to stay with him, he acts like a great family man overall in front of people.. i often wonder if i AM overreacting.
During the holidays I decided to break the silence to my mother and sisters of what was going on. Every single one of them backed him up and told me I was being way too harsh.
Now I'm completely lost, i have felt sad for months about my partner and his actions and now I feel like i might be crazy on top of that. Am I imagining this pain that he is causing me?

I don't know anymore.

I am right there with you. My husband and I have been together for a total of 17 years, 14 of them married. I have emotionally checked out of our relationship. He is controlling, criticizes, blames, and shames me. I have been seeing a therapist for over a year. Tomorrow I will see a divorce attorney.But I know for a fact when I tell him I want a divorce he will flip out. I have told him before I wanted to leave and he said no, I can't I mean everything to him, he will do better. Then I wonder if I'm going crazy. The bad part is I feel very trapped and have started to make very bad personal decisions to have a release of emotion. My therapist is worried about me and said I'm on a downward spiral. All this to say, I'm sorry and I wish we didn't have to go through this.

[PumpkinPieHead]

I recommend going to the women's shelter and using their resources. Abuse doesn't just hurt, but it is confusing.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by graceandjoy

I am right there with you. My husband and I have been together for a total of 17 years, 14 of them married. I have emotionally checked out of our relationship. He is controlling, criticizes, blames, and shames me. I have been seeing a therapist for over a year. Tomorrow I will see a divorce attorney.But I know for a fact when I tell him I want a divorce he will flip out. I have told him before I wanted to leave and he said no, I can't I mean everything to him, he will do better. Then I wonder if I'm going crazy. The bad part is I feel very trapped and have started to make very bad personal decisions to have a release of emotion. My therapist is worried about me and said I'm on a downward spiral. All this to say, I'm sorry and I wish we didn't have to go through this.

Im sorry you are going through the same thing. It's a horribly confusing situation.. i do love him but I love the man he used to be and constantly hope we will go back to that.
He has been physical in the past when I have rose to defend myself or have caught him lying etc.. but it doesn't happen very often at all so it doesn't FEEL abusive.
We seem to go through very rough patches and all hell breaks loose. Then we get back on track and im happy again. I see a therapist and she doesn't dwell too much on our relationship at all so I never get any answers.
Are you leaving your husband?

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

I recommend going to the women's shelter and using their resources. Abuse doesn't just hurt, but it is confusing.

I called the womens shelter a month or so ago when things were really bad. Because I didn't need immediate shelter they said they would have an outreach counsellor call within 2 weeks but I never received the call or a message..

Now things are better and hes not been as terrible but that makes it all the more confusing.
I never know what is going on.

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Verbal abuse is a brainwashing tactic; very confusing......yes, they switch back and forth from abusive to "Mr.Nice Guy." That is called the "honeymoon" period (when they act nice).

[coast123]

He sounds narcissistic. Google narcissism, and you may find parallels. Emotionally unavailable partners are not active in the relationship, which causes a divide between you. I can tell you that if you marry him, this will only get worse. Try getting him into couples therapy if you believe that things can change, but change requires that he is willing to work at it.

[Zedsdead]

I am absolutely positive hes narcisstic. I read something a long time ago early in our relationship narcissism and it reminded me a lot of him. Although because he was really nice at that point, I shrugged it off.
Now it all makes sense, hes exactly like every narcissistic sign and explanation I have read. Even when he is being nice to me, he has absolutely no empathy or compassion for strangers and the comments he makes are disgusting.

Hes leaving for work finally, on the 1st. He will be away for a month at a time. I'm pretty sure I'm going to pack me and my children up and run away... it sounds dramatic but I don't know what else to do at this point.

I just wish the confusion would go away too. I always wonder if I'm overreacting and if this is all in my head.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Trust yourself, zedsdead.

[WrkNPrgress]

It's crazy making. You have a right to your own feelings. If you feel that something is wrong, IT IS and you have a right to be HEARD. Yes, there are always ups and downs.There are always reasons we hold on for so long but the "good" moments don't negate or erase the bad. Those things still happened and they still matter and yes they still hurt.

My abusive Ex was a psychologist and she was the one who told me I needed a therapist because she didn't want deal with "[MY] 'issues'". The irony, of course, is that it was the best thing I did for myself and it was my therapist was the one who helped me recognize the emotionally controlling and abusive patterns of the relationship.

I held on for a long time because it felt like things were getting better in some ways. She acknowledged the worst of the behavior and we were seeing a counselor but anytime I needed to be heard, have my own anger, have my own upset, wasn't perfect — things blew up again. She really just expected me to forgive and forget every.single.time. My Ex couldn't deny the bigger fights - she would say horrible things but the apologize and expect us to make up from it all in a Day. I played along for years. I tried to fix myself to fix "Us". Trying to fix ab abuser- or fix 'yourself' to avoid their abuse just doesn't work.

Are you able to go see a therapist for yourself? Please try to TALK TO SOMEONE, anyone , a trusted friend or family member about what's going on. You are not crazy to feel upset and you have a right to talk to someone about it. Just tell someone that you're struggling. My only regret is that I kept it all to myself and my therapist. I wish I had spoken more among our friends about what I was going through. I let her control the narrative.

In the meantime, if you can keep it safe, keep a journal of everything your feeling. When fights happened, write down what was said, when, and how it made you feel. You'll need this later when he tries to gaslight you and say it didn't happen.

You deserve respect no matter what.
You deserve love no matter what.

[WrkNPrgress]

.... and yes, Narcissist can be very difficult and crazy-making. They will flatter you, love those great qualities about your and keep you around as long as their own ego is satisfied but any moment you have your own problems or questions their behavior - it's ICE and Stone. They will absolutely refuse to apologize or own their own behavior. All their problems are everyone else's fault.

I've been the victim of the cold treatment as well; when this happens, be extra vigilant to care for yourself.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

It's crazy making. You have a right to your own feelings. If you feel that something is wrong, IT IS and you have a right to be HEARD. Yes, there are always ups and downs.There are always reasons we hold on for so long but the "good" moments don't negate or erase the bad. Those things still happened and they still matter and yes they still hurt.

My abusive Ex was a psychologist and she was the one who told me I needed a therapist because she didn't want deal with "[MY] 'issues'". The irony, of course, is that it was the best thing I did for myself and it was my therapist was the one who helped me recognize the emotionally controlling and abusive patterns of the relationship.

I held on for a long time because it felt like things were getting better in some ways. She acknowledged the worst of the behavior and we were seeing a counselor but anytime I needed to be heard, have my own anger, have my own upset, wasn't perfect — things blew up again. She really just expected me to forgive and forget every.single.time. My Ex couldn't deny the bigger fights - she would say horrible things but the apologize and expect us to make up from it all in a Day. I played along for years. I tried to fix myself to fix "Us". Trying to fix ab abuser- or fix 'yourself' to avoid their abuse just doesn't work.

Are you able to go see a therapist for yourself? Please try to TALK TO SOMEONE, anyone , a trusted friend or family member about what's going on. You are not crazy to feel upset and you have a right to talk to someone about it. Just tell someone that you're struggling. My only regret is that I kept it all to myself and my therapist. I wish I had spoken more among our friends about what I was going through. I let her control the narrative.

In the meantime, if you can keep it safe, keep a journal of everything your feeling. When fights happened, write down what was said, when, and how it made you feel. You'll need this later when he tries to gaslight you and say it didn't happen.

You deserve respect no matter what.
You deserve love no matter what.

Thank you for this. I do see a therapist, but she has absolutely no input to what is happening. I told her the things he does and says and the most that come out of her mouth is 'that must be hard'.
I think that is one of the reasons I thought i was overreacting. I just wanted to validate that what is happening is wrong and im not crazy, since he does make me feel that way.
The only feedback I got from her, is that he told me if I left him he would chop my head off. She told me that it was psychological warfare to try scare me. Which i agreed.

Iv told a friend what he is doing and saying but she is so far away.. the only other people in my life are my immediate family who don't really take the time to listen to anything I say. Our family is sort of dysfunctional I guess.

I have been trying so hard for years to fix myself, in therapy, switched therapists, anti depressants etc.. because he told me I have issues. His mother told him that I had issues as well because she didn't want to accept me into the family and I was upset about it. So i just believed I must be the crazy one who needed help.
My therapists have all said im courageous, smart and easy going. So why do I feel like the most insane person in my head!?

That's when things go south for us too. If i ignore the bad things he does and says, forget and forgive everything, our relationship is just fine. But when I show that I am upset, angry or feel betrayed.. everything goes wrong.

I'm so tired and drained.. just looking at him these days send my stomach into knots. I hate who he has become. It is not somebody I want to marry.

You don't have to marry him.

[WrkNPrgress]

Starry sky is right. You do not have to marry him.
It sounds like you need a better Therapist. You might consider finding a support group somewhere.
I know you're in the thick of it now and it's very hard to see a way out I felt that way too. My partner wanted to get married too. We Argued about it about it often and I thought I was hurting her. So I thought I was the bad guy because I had reservations. I'm convinced myself that it was something I wanted too. I tried to be as honest as I could without starting fights. But it's hard to be totally honest when you feel like you're walking on eggshells. All that is understandable Trust your instincts. Trust your gut. You are not crazy. There are reasons you feel the way you do. Your Feelings matter just as much