[ThankGodImCute]

Hello. This is long, and I hope that someone can help me make some sense out of it. I am 21 years old and just got out of my first relationship, a year with a 28 year old guy. He had red flags in his past, for sure. Two failed marriages and a daughter he doesn't see or support. However, he had just started going to church, and I thought was really trying to make positive changes in his life. Also, I wanted to "help" him. Anyway, I said I loved him first. I was drunk...and it was way too soon, but we started saying it very quickly. We were saying it before we even officially started dating. He came around a lot. It was more than I was comfortable with at first, but I got used to it, and liked it. When my mom kicked me out...which lasted like two days...he offered to let me move in with him. This, again, was before we even started dating, and I was so impressed with how kind that was of him. He even offered to help me pay for school if she stopped. He did all kinds of things for me...really nice things...he is the kind of guy who'd be there for anybody in a second...and not just young, attractive girls...he just genuinely likes to help people out. This was something I really admired about him. I think, now, I might have taken advantage of that...he had a very "daddy" quality to him in that way. He really started to change, and I felt like God was doing amazing tihngs. He went to church with me, stopped stealing from the store where he worked, even enrolled in school. The first time I ever felt like he was "mean" to me was when he told me I was the most selfish person he'd ever met. Well...my mom seemed to agree with that, so I tried to change. I really felt he was helping me to be a better person. I had sort of a snobby view of the world then...people who didn't go to school were "trashy" and not as good. I don't think that way anymore, but I did sort of take him away from his friends...mainly cause they were mostly exes or girls he had slept with, and I was jealous. The first time he hit me we were fighting, probably over one of those exes..I was really insecure about it, and I tried to take something from his hand. As a reaction, he punched me. I should have ended it then, but ended up being the one begging him not to leave. This was within three months of our relationship. I was leaivng in Sep. to study abroad in France for four months, but we decided to stay together. While I was in France, he was great. He called/emailed all the time and we talked about how we wanted to get married. When things went bad for me there, he was my support system. He even lent me money and made special efforts to call me on my birthday. When I got back, we were thrilled to see each other. The second time hitting was involved...I HIT FIRST. I sort of yelled at him in his face, he said I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU DONT DO THAT AGAIN, and to prove I wasn't scared of him...I slapped his back. He punched me in the lip. the third time violence was involved, we'd been drinking, and he slapped me when I revealed I'd stayed at a guy's house after a party when I couldn't get a ride. I did so many things worng myself that in my head, I feel as if he was this perfect boyfriend, and I deserve whta has happened...not the hitting but everything that went down this summer. I cheated on him...not sex but dates and kissing...I would have been reall y upset if he'd done this, but in my head, I reasoned it was "okay" cause he'd already gotten to do all these things and I was goin to marry him...I wanted a chance to see what else was out there to, but I didn't want to lose him. He was the first person I slept with, and I had a lot of guilt thanks to my christian upbringing. He NEVER pressured me and waited nine months to have sex. I really respected him for that. Aferwards though, all my issues came up and they were "too much" for him to deal with. He got so mad at me for not being able to make up my mind....like I'd want to stop having sex but get really down on myself when I'd do it. I was also down on myself for drinking so much and everything, but I'd still end up doing it...which made him really mad. He didn't like me being so "wishy washy". I think he just got sick of me, and he broke up with me at the end of May. I felt like everything was my fault...I don't know if he did that or if I made myself eel that way. I should have let it end there, but nooo. I begged him to come over and drink the night he broke up with me. He did...and we continued kissing, making loving, etc for like the whole summer. IT WAS HELL...so off and on. I wanted a clearly defined relationship or a break up...one or the other. I'd tell him to either be my friend or date me...and when the boundaries weren't kept, I'd leave only to come crawling back...begging him to be my friend again. I felt so abandoned and scared I did crazy things..I even told him I was raped when I wasn't...hoping he'd rescue me and come back. Stupid, I know. I showed up at his house uninvited a few times, which angered him off even more. He'd call me drunk...sometimes lovin me,, sometimes hating me. I tried to kill myself, and he simply called my mom and refused to take any of my calls. After that, he said he wanted nothing to do with me, but called me back three nights later. I think both of us wanted out, but didn't really at the same time. He also belittled me a lot...calling me stupid for losing board games...but like stupid and retarded a million times in one day. My job was stupid. I talked about work too much. It was annoying when I was "too happy" about something. I could annoy him when I wasn't even doing anything!! He was also violent when drinkin....breakin things...telling me he hted me...even kicking me, but I felt like it wasn't his fault, it was the alcohol. SO CONFUSED. Things ended badly. I told him again that I couldn't take all this saying he loved me but not being with me. He felt like that was perfectly okay, saying he was just "testing the waters". He told me that was a "freak out" and we didn't speak for four days. When I called him crying about how much I missed him, he just told me he didn't care about me and I needed to find a friend and he didn't love me. I'd heard this before when I was at my saddest too. Anyway, things ended horribly. I showed up at his house that night after having caught a ride with a total stranger...stupid I know but I felt so desperate to be there. The stranger had a gun and Eric had to give him money, etc. Later that night, when I was freaking out...begging him to love me...he called the cops on me. He didn't press charges though. Thank God. now, he just thinks I'm nuts...and I've done things that sound like it. I think I might have BPD...but in my head, I've got myself convinced he was perfect, and I somehow caused all this and lost somebody who was great to me. I know I probably need counseling...and Iwant to make some sense of what happened. I was abusive in some ways too...jealous, controlling, not liking him to go out with hisf riends. I wouldn't PREVENT it, but he knew I didn't like it. I just want someone who maybe has some idea of what happened or what was going on to help me sort this out. Thanks in advance
oh and we went ten days without speaking, until I called him. I don't know why I have this urge to be with him. I feel like I need to be "forgiven". He informed me he was going out with girls from school...told me this is what happens when you treat everybody like dirt...and said that he dind't leave me cause of my mental problems, but because I was trying to drag him down with me. I won't be calling again...I am forcing myself to move on. It just hurts to be "thrown away" and that he thinks everythin is my fault and is just moving on with his life happily. He is really done with me this time, and I don't know whether to cry or jump for joy. Abusers don't usually leave, do they? Aren't they the ones who beg their victims back? Well...why am I the one begging? Am i the abuser? I am also the first girl he'health question. His ex wife said he neverh it her, though she did dodge beer bottles thrown at her. PLEASE HELP! At least its over...

Sounds to me like you abused each other, both physically and emotionally. I'd suggest counseling would help you get through this, and to ensure you don't find yourself in a similar relationship in the future. Therapy helps people learn how to communicate without resorting to abuse. It also helps to figure out why there is so much anger inside trying to get out.

Take care....and please try using paragraph breaks next time. It's hard to read without them!!

Emmy

[DePressMe]

Relationships can be very complicated...it sounds like you both have issues you need to work through. I don't have any magic answers. I have found counseling really helped me learn how to be in healthy relationships...