It did affect me

Hi All,

I am 33. Recently my husband and I have been going through a rocky patch in our marriage because of mistakes I have made. As I adore my husband and have a wonderful relationship with him I needed to do some soul searching as to why I acted the way that I did. During this soul searching I stumbled across something from my childhood that had been pushed aside. I don't think I can say I have ever really forgotten about it but I have definitely minimized it and have done everything I can to make damn sure it didn't affect me. Little did I know that it has been affecting me, massively. It's been eating away at me behind the scenes all these years and has moulded me into the person that I am- which is not the person I want to be.

Before I continue I'd like to let you all know that I am sadly aware that people go through so much worse than I have. So to you all I apologise if my experience seems ridiculous. All I know is that to stop the subconscious control it has over me I have to face up to it and right now I am not doing that. I am questioning still if it was even abuse.

So here's what happened. When I was 10 my Uncle and Aunt had separated. My Uncle being my mum's brother and my Aunt his wife. Despite the separation my Aunt remained very much a part of our lives. Even when she shacked up with another guy she was still our Aunt. My parents have always worked so this Aunt would take care of me, my older brother and her 2 younger boys during the school holidays. Just before this particular 6 week summer holiday I had broken my arm. My Aunt and her boyfriend had a lodger who was in his mid 20s I'd say. He was gorgeous and funny and I had a huge crush on him. As I had a very very innocent childhood at the age of 10 a crush was just that- a crush. I had no perception of what men and women did together aside from my parents being in a very loving successful marriage but aside from seeing them hold hands and kiss. I had no idea that sex was even a thing let alone what it was. Whilst we were in my Aunt's care she would often go out in the middle of the day and leave us with her boyfriend. So, one day my Aunt's boyfriend decided to take the boys out to play football. I couldn't because of my broken arm so I decided to remain in the house and watch TV. The lodger went out with them but after a short time returned to the house. Because my arm was broken just below the shoulder I had no cast as it would have been a full torso cast so I just had a sling. My mum had bought me some denim blouses that were just poppers at the front to make it easier for me to dress and undress and leave the broken arm inside the shirt and outside of the sleeve. When the lodger returned he just sat and we were talking about my arm. He asked if it hurt and asked why I didn't have a cast.
The next day followed the same pattern and almost everyday after that. At the time because of my innocence I had no idea of his motives. I knew that I hated it and that it made me feel exposed and vulnerable but I had no idea that his motives might have been sexual because I didn't understand any of that. He never touched me, This went on for I think the rest of the 6 weeks holidays. I don't recall ever seeing him again after that I think that maybe by the next school holiday he had moved out. There was one time when I was brave enough to go out and watch the boys play football in order to avoid it but he came up to me on the sidelines and said if I didn't go back in the house he would tell everyone what I had been doing so I went back in. I will never forget one time my Aunt's boyfriend suggested the game of football to the boys, turned to the lodger and winked. I think he knew what was happening and helped it along.

I had never told anyone about this. It wasn't until years later when I became more aware that I realised there may have been more to it than him just being mean but because it hadn't affected me at the time I pushed it to one side. Last week I came to the realisation that it had affected me. In a lot of ways. I seek out dysfunctional relationships with unsuitable or emotionally unavailable men, I have cheated a few times but mostly end a relationship when the "newness" wears off. I can't be naked. During sex is fine but as soon as it's over I dress. Until my relationship with my husband I was never able to sleep naked. I have done on the odd occasion with my husband but no more than a handful of times in 5 years and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling dirty and uncomfortable. I refuse to leave my house without makeup on. Won't even put the bin out. I hate swimming as I can't stand to feel exposed to strangers and when I do go I wear a t shirt over my swimming costume. I dress much older than my age. Perhaps the most embarrassing one of all is that I love to pretend that my husband is raping me, I like having my hair pulled and being spanked. The rougher the better. Sorry for adding that it.

So now I have told my husband and he was furious. On the day of the realisation I was a wreck. I was inconsolable. I was angry, I felt hatred, I felt lost but since that day which was a week ago I haven't allowed it to get to me so I am worried I am repressing it again- Apart from the most horrendous nightmare and night terrors. How do I face up to it and overcome it? I am seeing a counsellor for this among other things. I have only had one session so the "abuse" hasn't come up yet. I am sure it will and I am sure she will help me but what can I do in the meantime?

Many Thanks

Elpheba

Thankyou for sharing your story and welcome to the forum.
I am very disturbed by what you wrote-don't apologize for what happened to you, because it does matter. 10 is a vulnerable age, and I actually have a similar story that happened to me as an 11 year old that still affects me.
I want you to remind yourself that it is over and that it will never happen again. That should help in overcoming.

Thank you PumpkinPieHead. I do take comfort in the fact that my husband would protect me until his dying breath. The thing is when I revisited it last week it was so raw. Like it had just happened. I think because I have never processed it and never told a soul. I know now that I am on the right path and I will get there. I also know that it's not going to be as easy as confiding in my husband and a therapist and like magic I will just be ok. But the point is is that I have started and my god I will finish. I refuse to let him make me who I am. No one should have that power over anyone. Thank you for your kind words and support.

Hi Elpheba,

I want you to know that you should not apologize or minimize your situation. A 10 year old should never be exposed to something like. I also want you to know that sometimes it can be common to feel all these types of emotions buried inside of you, you have been through something scary in your life. It's great to know you are seeking help, self-care is a priority ! you are already so brave to share it online. In the meantime, how can you distract yourself with something you like or enjoy. Sending you lots of love!!!

Thank you for being brave enough to write your story. Please don't feel bad or gilty for what happend to you. I am positive that if that man had the thought that he wouldn't get into trouble, he would have gone further than he did. What he did to you was a combination of emotional abuse, and molestation in my opinion. You were just a child, and it wasn't your foult, so don't ever blame yourself, and put your shame away. This man was the one with a problem, and gave you troubles because of it. I hope you go back to counciling, and not bury it again. I am 51 years old, and for the last few years i have been trying to deal with my own lifes abuses. This site is wonderful, but counciling helps a great deal. My therapist told me yesterday, that the more you accept, talk, deal, understand, ect what you went through, the better you can face other problems in your life. Don't give up, and if your husband is willing to go to a therapist with you, he will have more understanding with what you went through, and are going through.