[Artchic528]

When I was in my early 20's, about 22-23, I met a guy on an online forum (not this one, some other forum), and we chatted a while in the forum's chat room. Then, he saw that I had put a link to an IM service I used in my profile, so he contacted me using that. For weeks we talked about this and that, even sexual things, and then one day, he started to coerce me into sending him nudes of myself. At first I was reluctant, but he used the fact that I was a virgin to tease me and say I was abnormal for being one for so long. He also used the whole "We are two consenting adults" tactic, and after a while, broke me down enough to do so. After I sent them, he sent me pictures of his genitals. At least, I assumed they were his at the time, however, looking back, they could have been of any guy on the web.

For a while after that, I felt rotten, like I had lowered my standards, or did something gross. I never even really wanted to do it in the first place. He used me to get what he wanted by taking advantage of my vulnerabilities. I believe he was one of those sleazy men who traverse the web and look for innocent girls online to take advantage of and coerce into sending them nudes or something.

Anyways, these events and his constant teasing of me being a virgin spearheaded my determination to lose said virginity by the time I reached my 30th birthday. That happened, though the guy whom I gave it to and I have since parted ways.

I was wondering if this was a version of abuse? I guess I just need some clarity about the whole situation. I was an adult, though I was only 22-23, like I said, so nothing technically illegal was going on. I'm just trying to understand my past and hopefully learn to recognize what in it was abuse, and what was just foolish behavior.

[bearguardian]

Lifestyle of our entire species is a form of abuse. We abuse nature and animals the worst. Then there is constant everyday emotional abuse, especially among teens. Then there is abuse with good intentions. Its a madhouse.
I have strongly decided to stay away from people for these reasons. But also there is stronger anxiety factor with me.
Maybe its faulty programming. Try not to fall into their bugs.

[Onward2wards]

I'm not sure if he was being abusive per se (in the threats and violence sense) but his behavior was absolutely manipulative. "High pressure sales tactics" basically. I see it as him saying, "You want to do what I want you to do, and here's why...". He took advantage of you to get what he wanted.
Please don't beat yourself up over this. Some people are inclined to yell "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater and laugh at the people who get hurt in the stampede. Some of those troublemakers do it consciously and deliberately, some apparently don't know any better. In any case, there's no point in guilt-tripping yourself for having fallen for a ruse. When people really want something, empathy and decency can sometimes get tossed aside.

I'm going to hop on my soapbox for a minute! If anyone tries to use the "victim blaming" thing on you over this, saying "well, you did agree of your own free will..." or if you find yourself playing that game with yourself (it happens), think of the people in that theater stampede example. They wouldn't have run if somebody hadn't given them a reason to do so ... and hindsight is 20/20.

"It's a trap!" - Admiral Ackbar

No, I would not consider it abuse.

[Yoda]

I think what you call it is less important than how it affects you. You said, "For a while after that, I felt rotten, like I had lowered my standards, or did something gross."

It still is on your mind or you wouldn't post about it. How are you feeling now?

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Yoda

I think what you call it is less important than how it affects you. You said, "For a while after that, I felt rotten, like I had lowered my standards, or did something gross."

It still is on your mind or you wouldn't post about it. How are you feeling now?

I agree with this. The reasons for why he did what he did should not really be the focus, imo.

Maybe instead, look at why you eventually gave in. Was it to feel wanted, to feel normal (the "virgin for so long" logic), because you truly believed him at the time, or something else entirely?

I think looking at that with your T might be better than deciding if this incident was abuse. I know, for me, when I started looking at the patterns of my behavior with the people who had clearly used me, it became easier to notice those patterns earlier in relationships, and easier to know when to call it quits and just walk away.

I hope that you can find an answer that you are okay with.

Puck

[gmts]

It might sound "academic", but to me the key aspect of abuse of all sorts is a dependency between abuser and victim which gives the victim little or no option of defence. e.g parent-child, teacher-studen, etc.

But in your case there was no dependency, you could have said just "no", you could even have stopped replying and block him. So, the question is to me which pattern you were repeating ?

[Tamster]

i don't see abuse here, manipulation of a young adult with possibly low self esteem yes. I am 55 now and I have been coerced by men several times in my life but in the end I had the choice to say no and walk away or not. Don't beat yourself up over a mistake that you learned from, its not worth it.

[amandalouise]

no its not abuse in my location but you might want to check out your locations laws... most USA states now call the passing of nudes and sexually explicit photos via the internet pron and sexting. in most USA states doing this is considered to be illegal activities.

add to that there is no way to know who you are actually ending these sexually explicit photos to.. on the internet anyone can be anyone even the police are on the web now setting up stings to catch those who are into porn and sexting. and who knows what the person on the receiving end is doing with the nudes. I know someone who ended up with their nudes all over the internet because they sexted them to someone they met on the internet and that person with out her knowledge was sending them on to other people who were enjoying them and now there is no way to get them off the internet.

my suggestion first check out the laws in your location to make sure passing of nudes on the internet in your location (porn and sexting) is legal.

second suggestion think very carefully before sending nudes again once they leave your computer there is control over where and when and what happens to them and they are on the internet for ever out there is cyberspace for all to see.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Tamster

Don't beat yourself up over a mistake that you learned from, its not worth it.

This! This very much!

[shortandcute]