the "unrealness of the realness"

((((freewill)))))

((((freewill)))

I do understand and I remember. As I sit here tears streaming down my face at what I have read--my heart goes out to each of you. The unrealness of the real hits me as I remember. The fire, the men, the blackness, the hands, the silent screams, the emptiness,--I could go on but I understand.

Sometimes, I am asked how could no one know--how could noone see the signs. I have no answer--but I know. Sometimes, others say, how could so many be that way--that evil--I have no answer but I know.

Over and over I see that movie play and it never turns off, it never stops. And no matter how silent it may seem to the world, it is never silent inside. Every detail and every memory etched somewhere inside and somewhere someone holds what I could not hold myself.

Somewhere that last breath--that last gasp before I left and someone else came--lies somewhere inside. Will I ever be able to take back that breath that stopped time--that stopped me, I do not know. It hurts as the gasp feels real and the exhale never comes.

Screams within that are never heard by human ears--the unrealness to those around--the realness inside screams on. And you try to tell someone, you try to open that place that was so painful that someone else had to come--and the realness hits you again.

Seems no one understands what is happening, but that does not take away what is going on. You hide yourself from others so no one thinks you are crazy, when the reality is you never know. Because others cannot understand what you feel, you back away and you hide so no one knows where you really are and you are accepted.

Freewill, I do hear you and I do understand. I respect you and I validate you. I hold you close in my heart. I too have DID and I know the noise and the fear and the lostness inside. I do hear you, I want to hear you. You try to tell someone but they do not get it. All you want is to somehow prove it--but you cannot. The only proof is you and what is happening within.

And so many cannot see and so they question trying to understand. And you scream from within but they do not hear you, they do not get it. But I do get it freewill, and I care. I love you dear friend. I am here for you always, amytime--anyday. I am just a PM away and you can reach out whenever you need me.

camilionwords1truth

Today.... I feel "different"... I am not sure what that means in the world of DID...

I want to tell all of you.. how I feel.. to share.. what you have done for me by extending yourselves.. I have tears.. of relief..and they are on the inside.. but there all the same..

my tears are also for something that I don't have words for... because I have never had this feeling before.. so have no way of putting words to them.. it is a very good comforting feeling...

I feel loved by all of you...and supported.. and very important - understood and validated.. by each.. and everyone of you.. that have posted..

I have never.. never had these feelings in life... not even by a T..

So you can imagine.. the profound healing impact this has has had on my current life..

I love you.. each and every one of you..

I thank you for the "gift" of yourselves that you have given me...



(((all of me, all of us)))