[Christina86]

Trigger warning and all that... I wrote this up because someone told me it might help to write it up. So here it is. I'm scared to post this. Really scared. I feel kinda sick just thinking about it. I dont want anyone to think less of me... but it'll probably happen. I'm disgusted with myself.

ANYWAYS.... Yes, TRIGGER WARNING.

Okay, it’s time I did this.

I’m going to try to get through it without crying or completely freaking out … we’ll see how that goes.

It happened back when I was in highschool. I can’t remember which grade, and I can’t remember how old I was … but I’m leaning towards grade 10 or 11. I was watching a movie on the TV with my stepdad in the basement of the family home. I think my stepdad had been drinking. Basically classified as a binge-drinker. He’s not very nice to deal with when he’s sober, let alone when he’s intoxicated. It was late, late enough that my two younger sisters and my mother had all gone to bed. I don’t even remember what the movie was about. One of either my sisters or my mother had just gone to bed because the movie wasn’t something they liked. So that basically narrows it down to just about anything horror or with blood or action. I don’t remember how it happened… my stepdad usually gave massages and we’d sit side-by-side on the couch. He was pretty decent in the massage department. Stupid knots in my neck.

I don’t remember how it happened next… all I remember is that he had his hand under my shirt. Massaging. I remember thinking that it didn’t seem right that he was doing it. But I didn’t say anything. I remember how my body reacted. How bad I feel now in retrospect, but I was aroused. Sick, but true. I didn’t tell him to stop. He kept touching me. Maybe some part of me enjoyed it. He kept rubbing. Fondling. His hands were so warm. Strong. Weathered.

I did nothing to stop him. I don’t remember how I felt, I don’t remember what I was thinking. Then it was over. I don’t know why he stopped, he just did. Maybe he got the reaction out of me that he wanted. Maybe he got bored of me. Then he tells me something along the lines of “if I ever wanted him to do it again to let him know”. Then he went upstairs and I remember sitting on the couch alone for a while and then I went to bed. And I never really thought about it again. I never asked him to do it again.

I never told anyone, not until my appointment with my current T. I don’t even know why I told him then, I think I was dropping hints and he just asked me to go through it. And I did.

Now when my stepdad touches me, or any guy touches me on my stomach or any body part in the general vicinity… I have to stop myself from flinching. I’ve tried to make it clear that I don’t want to be touched in certain areas… like my legs for example. I don’t remember being touched there… but maybe it was bad too. My stepdad tries to give me a neck massage nowadays, and I have to struggle not to completely freak out.

The really sick part… I almost wish he’d do it again. Hell, I deserve it. It was my fault. I wish he’d do it again because then I’d be able to re-experience it, I’d maybe remember more of what happened. I’m trying so hard to remember, but the details fail me.

I never did tell anyone. Nobody in the family knows. Nobody will ever know. I can’t hurt my family like that.

Some part of me wonders why he chose me. But maybe he didn’t. Maybe it just happened. Did I bring it upon myself? Was it my fault? Did I have more control than I thought I did, should I have done something? My body reacted in a bad way and now I’m scared to feel that way again. Never get close to another guy like that. But I deserved it, and if it happens again it’ll be my fault again. All I can be thankful for is that he wouldn’t hurt my sisters. He’s not some dangerous predator. He’s a sick, controlling old man. He wouldn’t hurt either of them in that way because they’d never allow it. My sisters are perfect and do almost anything to make him happy and get him to leave them alone, but they would have never allowed this to happen. I’m weak and pathetic and I deserved it.

He's mean in other ways, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t know if it’s really him or the booze that’s responsible. But I know I am. He’s controlling to an insane degree and nothing will ever make him really happy.

And all I want right now is to die. I need someone to touch me, to hug me and tell me that I’m not entirely insane. But that’s not going to happen.

I think this hurt a lot more than I wanted it to. I want to be over it. I want to forget. Please just let me forget. I just told it in more detail than even my T knows.

Was it my fault? Am I bad? Did I deserve it?

What happens now? How do I just get over it? How can I forget?

Am I screwed up because of what I’ve written here? Is what I’ve written bad? Has this one little incident completely messed me up? Did it help screw me up? Is it my fault for taking what happened so badly? Should I just shrug it off and just let it lie?

Should I be mad about what happened? I don’t think I am. I hate being mad anyways. Mad is bad. Anger is destructive. It hurts people. It hurts me. Makes me cry. Don’t be mad at me, I couldn’t bear it.

Should I be sad about what happened? I don’t know… I think what happened, happened and that’s the end of it. It’s not sad, it’s not that bad – I’ve heard really bad stories of bad stuff happening to good people (I can’t call it abuse, because I don’t know if it was – because maybe I did ask for it. Maybe I don’t remember) … my story is so trivial, my concerns and what happened is unimportant. I am not important. I am not worthy of love, attention or anything good. Because I am bad.

What should I be feeling? What should I be saying? What should I be thinking?

Please don't tell me to tell my family. Please don't tell me to involve the law. I won't. I prize respecting my family and loving them no matter what, over everything. Even myself.

[Peanuts]

You didn't deserve that from your step father - he was the one doing the WRONG and not you. Your step father betrayed your trust. It is good that you have a t who can help you work through this event so that it doesn't impact you in the present time.

You are very brave to share your story. Best of luck,
peanuts

This was ABSOLUTLY NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You did nothing to deserve this. Abuse is about CONTROL. You were vulnerable and he took CONTROL of that. I am glad you are working with a T for this.

[debbie_tabor]

Your stepdad is a nasty, loathsome person who abused you. HE knew it was wrong for him to do that.

Arousal is a physiological process. Don't feel guilty about "enjoying" it. Strong warm hands, I'm sure it did feel good at the time.

How is it your fault? It sounds like it came totally out of the blue. Neck massages - fine. Sitting together on the sofa - fine. What he did to you - SO wrong. So you didn't tell him to stop - what were you meant to do. I think I would have just sat there too.

Reading your story I feel that it was a bad, confusing thing that happened to you. Yes, there are worse instances of abuse, but this was abuse nonetheless with all the attached psychological damage. You only have to read your descriptions of yourself to see that.

He "chose" you. Is this just because you were older than your sisters? You were the one left sitting there, that's why it was you, you didn't ask for it, and you couldn't have expected it and therefore avoided it. This is all your stepfathers wrong-doing and not yours.

You have every right to refuse neck massages from your step-dad.

I hope that somehow you can get through this and not feel that all sexual contact and good feelings are wrong.

((((((((canders7)))))))))

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((canders))))

First, I send you gentle hugs dear. You are NOT to blame in anyway. You were the child, he was the adult. You did nothing wrong. You are not bad and by no means did you EVER deserve it.

Canders, what you have written here is not bad, it is okay. You deserve to be heard and validated for your feelings. It is that bad. Everyone's hurt is their hurt and it hurts just as bad as the next person. It matters not whether it was one time or a hundred. Once is all it takes to destroy a life.

My heart goes out to you for what you have gone through. I can say I understand. Whether he was drinking or not, he is responsible for what he did. We are human, our bodies do not know that abuse sometimes does not feel good. Especially when it is done in such a way that is not in anger.

But abuse is abuse, anyway you look at it and it is not right. There is never an incident when a child is ever at fault. Sometimes, when things happen, it is such a shock that you do not have time to think and then things happen before you have time to react.

You are worthy and your story holds alot of importance. Because it affected you, and you deserved none of it. You do deserve good and love. You were NOT BAD. I do understand the feelings you are having, for I too fight this everyday. But canders, you are a beautiful person that has a wonderful heart.

You are feeling what you need to be feeling. You are entitled to feel anger and hurt. Viscious anger hurts, justified anger is okay. You are a good person and you deserve all our support and care we can give you.

Thank you for sharing your story. It took alot of courage and strength to write that. I thank you for your strength, for it is in that strength that you have given me courage to write. I send you love and prayers.

I hope you will keep reaching and posting. I care and I hear you. Everytime you reach, it is one more time you take care of you. And you deserve that. We are here for you anytime. Love you.

camilionwords1truth

(((((((((((((canders)))))))))))you are so strong and brave to have done that. I admire you so much. I have only this to say - he was wrong, he was the adult, you a child, he knew it was wrong and took advantage. Never, never feel guilty, ever. I too had something similar happen, I too froze,couldn't move, I felt guilty for years, I'm not at the stage where I can explain how I felt some of the times I was abused, I blanked a lot out. Now keep talking about it at your own pace, don't overdo it, gradually you will feel better. I am going through this with my t. I hope you can get over this Canders, in fact I know you will because you are stronger than he is.

sending gentle hugs if that's ok, pm me anytime

love, jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

[January]

((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))

I can say no better words that haven't already been written by the posters to your story.

I, too, want to say that it was in no way your fault. That cretin did it, and it's his responsibility. I also want to say that your sisters are not perfect and you don't know if they are being sexually abused or not. Children of abuse usually try very hard to please the abuser.

I know you are a good, kind and loving person.

Hugs,

Jan

[AmatureBombTech]

Canders,

Everyone else said it all....

One more thing....you said you don't like being mad or sad at anyone....but what about being mad or sad at yourself? You sound that way at yourself and you shouldn't be because you did nothing wrong.

The only person you need to forgive is yourself now....For what, I don't know...but it's certainly time.

((((((((((((BIGGEST HUGS)))))))))))))