[Kojote]

(Content warning: mention of abuse, dissociation? No detailed description of it though)

Hello,

I am not sure which category this would have been best posted under... This is something that's extremely hard for me to talk about as I've been scared/ashamed of this pretty much throughout my childhood and onto early adulthood.

I don't have very many memories of my childhood, in particular of certain periods that I can only assume were either just uneventful or difficult to go through. A lot of the "memories" I have are fabricated (I've been shown pictures and/or told how it happened, so now I "remember" them). I've always had this tendency to daydream a lot and make up stories in my head with characters that more or less represent me or what I'd like to be, which I think is very normal to an extent.

The first of two things that bother me about it is that I sometimes tend to retreat in my head, in these stories, so much that I have a hard time functioning in my day to day life. I feel detached, it's all I think about and it gets to the point where I "feel" what the characters feel and everything else is muted. Just a couple years ago I spent a whole week in Paris with a friend and all of my memories are fuzzy at most, because I was "stuck" in my head all this time and kind of... experiencing things through someone else? If that makes sense. I eventually get back to normal, but it can take anywhere from an hour to a couple weeks. (I have experienced dissociation several times in other contexts and it feels kinda similar?)

The second thing (and that is the part that is hardest for me to admit) is that the main characters of these stories, whether I modeled them after myself or not, are always victims of abuse in one way or another. Even when I was a child, I remember having very graphic, violent ideas of physical, emotional and sexual abuse that would happen to these character, usually repeatedly.
My mum has been emotionally and verbally abusive with me and I have been bullied in school as a kid but aside from that I have no memory of being abused, nor do I have reasons to believe it might have happened... But I have most definitely been (unintentionally) obsessed with the idea for a long time.

The earliest I remember having experienced both of these was at the age of 9 or 10, I spent almost an entire day in bed "trapped" in my head, in a story where the main character had been repeatedly abused... I remember because my mum was upset that I was just in bed "doing nothing". No idea if it ever happened before that though.

Does anyone relate to any of this?
I am not expecting definite answers but hearing that other people have had similar experiences would definitely help me make sense of it. :/
As I said, it's very hard for me to talk about. I have never told anyone about this before and it took me years to convince myself to post this, on a forum where no one knows me. I fear being judged, I fear not being taken seriously or being told I'm lying...

I apologize for any typos I may have forgotten, I'm having a lot of brain fog tonight.
TIA!

[ACrystalGem]

I definitely relate to much of this. There's a Dissociative Forum on here, where many people talk about what you've been through. For me, the suppressed memories & dissociation were a coping method. I was angry at myself for a long time over that, but it was my body's way of looking after me when nobody else did. I do hope you can get the support you want. Kind regards,

[PumpkinPieHead]

Hey Kojote! Welcome to psychcentral.
You're not alone, I experience this to. I make up stories of who I'd like to be and what I'd like to do in my head. And yes, I been so wrapped up in daydreams that I've done and said things I have no recollection of.
Aging and mental health treatment helped me. Some daydreaming is normal and healthy, but it kind of interfered with functioning in daily life (I am a social person, but you can't chat with your friends when you've got this constant dialogue in your head, right? )
It's just a coping mechanism, once I learned to cope in this here real world, it subsided.

[Kojote]

Thank you for your replies! I really appreciate it.

I figured it was a coping mechanism but I was wondering why the stories are always so full of hurt and abuse. I can't say I find them very comforting, and they can even trigger mood swings... like I'll suddenly feel very depressed or lost, even suicidal.

My usual dissociative episodes are depersonalization. I start feeling like I'm floating, my thoughts are slow or so foggy I can't keep track of them. I have a hard time talking or moving, I stop feeling my limbs or feel like they are not mine. Even when I'm aware of it all, it's like part of me is asleep and there's nothing I can do to wake it up.

But this, with the stories, is different. I guess it feels more like derealization, I feel estranged and like I don't fit in with the rest of the world anymore. I can't relate to people or feel anything towards them. It's like the rest of the world is on fast forward and I'm trapped in a bubble, with no sense of time.

What confuses me is that the characters are not me. They don't look or behave or think like me. But I certainly feel what they feel, and most of the time these are not fun or happy feelings. If I were to make up stories simply to "escape" the reality because of pain or stress or any other strong negative emotion, why would I trap myself into an even more painful story?

I can't really make sense of any of it... I keep trying to just ignore it and move on but it gets to a point where it takes over my life.

I will search through the Dissociation forum. Thanks again!

[cluelessgal]

Hey Kojote,

Welcome to Psychcentral forums!

I do *exactly* what you do - imagine characters - be lost in their world, they experience violence, extreme emotions and I could not stop thinking about them. Situation was that, I cared about "their" life more than about my own.

When you experience abuse or just if you grew up feeling unloved by your parents, mind dissociates to avoid feeling the pain. Ignoring reality is a large part of survival, because you want to be a functioning member of the society - or atleast come across as one.

I don't experience "floating" or derealization, but a lot of people do.

One thing that did help me to some extent was to write about my experiences.

And I really recommend the book - Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk - this author has covered derealization, floating, not able to feel your body, no sense of time....it took me close to 4 readings to truly appreciate the book and you'd find some of your answers here.

I wish you best and all my love.