Cannot Escape

GreenBlueRed · May 02, 2017, 09:17 PM

There was a lot of abuse in my life when I was growing up. I don't share this with anyone I know. I give hints, but I can't bring myself to talk about it. The only people that know are those that were there for it and saw it. I've mostly gotten past it, but only by avoiding.

I'm afraid if people knew, they would tell me it was a long time ago and not a big deal. That they'd say to get over it. Something that hurts for so long - the look in their eye would render it meaningless.

The other day, I googled my name. I do this every once in a while to see what might pop up. My name is very unique, so there are literally no results that are not about me. Usually it is innocuous things like my name on the honor roll of my high school.

This time - and I have never seen this before - there were court records of a restraining order my mother filed against our abuser decades ago. I lost it.

If you google my name that is on the first page now. Why now? Why is a restraining order from when I was a child, naming me, up there for all to see? I just, I can’t even process it. Who else might have ever googled my name and saw that?

I can’t get away from my past, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could talk to someone, but I don’t want to see anyone’s face if I tell them these things. I don’t want to hear the words come out of my mouth. I can type them, but I can’t say them. I cry too much.

I’m just so tired of it.

Thank you for listening.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 03, 2017, 01:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

There was a lot of abuse in my life when I was growing up. I don't share this with anyone I know. I give hints, but I can't bring myself to talk about it. The only people that know are those that were there for it and saw it. I've mostly gotten past it, but only by avoiding.

I'm afraid if people knew, they would tell me it was a long time ago and not a big deal. That they'd say to get over it. Something that hurts for so long - the look in their eye would render it meaningless.

The other day, I googled my name. I do this every once in a while to see what might pop up. My name is very unique, so there are literally no results that are not about me. Usually it is innocuous things like my name on the honor roll of my high school.

This time - and I have never seen this before - there were court records of a restraining order my mother filed against our abuser decades ago. I lost it.

If you google my name that is on the first page now. Why now? Why is a restraining order from when I was a child, naming me, up there for all to see? I just, I can’t even process it. Who else might have ever googled my name and saw that?

I can’t get away from my past, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could talk to someone, but I don’t want to see anyone’s face if I tell them these things. I don’t want to hear the words come out of my mouth. I can type them, but I can’t say them. I cry too much.

I’m just so tired of it.

Thank you for listening.

I hate to say this - but I know it from experience: you may be right, if you verbalize it, they may say "it was a long time ago, get over it" ... but then again, if you never verbalize it and keep running from it - it will keep tearing at you.

So - you have choices:
1. Hurt a bit for some snide remarks that in the end actually allow you to strengthen yourself
2. Hurt constantly from a pain that continues to drill deeper inside of you the longer you keep it buried

I figured it out only after about 4 attempts.

There are no easy answers because mankind at its core is not "kind" -we learn kindness, but that learning only extends as far as that which we understand. So - when one person has mental illness and the other has never been affected by it - the one without mental illness may act in ways seemingly cruel to the mentally ill person, yet perfectly understandable to those within the other's immediate social circle. Humans are flawed and we will never really be kind to one another - so the best we can do, is be kind to ourselves. Make sure we do the best we can for ourselves. So you decide which of those two options is best for you - and stick with it!

GreenBlueRed · May 05, 2017, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I hate to say this - but I know it from experience: you may be right, if you verbalize it, they may say "it was a long time ago, get over it" ... but then again, if you never verbalize it and keep running from it - it will keep tearing at you.

So - you have choices:
1. Hurt a bit for some snide remarks that in the end actually allow you to strengthen yourself
2. Hurt constantly from a pain that continues to drill deeper inside of you the longer you keep it buried

I figured it out only after about 4 attempts.

There are no easy answers because mankind at its core is not "kind" -we learn kindness, but that learning only extends as far as that which we understand. So - when one person has mental illness and the other has never been affected by it - the one without mental illness may act in ways seemingly cruel to the mentally ill person, yet perfectly understandable to those within the other's immediate social circle. Humans are flawed and we will never really be kind to one another - so the best we can do, is be kind to ourselves. Make sure we do the best we can for ourselves. So you decide which of those two options is best for you - and stick with it!

Thank you for your encouragement.

I don't know if talking about it makes it better. Talking is only talking. I can crave sugar and it will satisfy, but only for a short while. The same with talking.

Some time ago I realized I will never forgive the person that hurt us. If I forgive her, it will make what she did ok. People have done me wrong, and I forgive them. I forgive easy for most things. However, this person broke me and made part of me disappear forever. It was like this woman was not human, and I could see nothing worthwhile in her. Even with my unstable, drug-addicted stepfather, I could see his humanity and forgive him, but this person had no humanity to forgive. Because of that, the rules are different.

We strive not to forget - we even to relive and retell - atrocities committed in war, in history, but we are expected to stop hurting and to forget when atrocities are committed in our personal life.

Being abused feels a lot like a loss - loss of yourself, I guess. I feel like I have been mourning myself for some time. I don't know what else to do. Nothing seems right.

I guess I will need to tolerate both one and two.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 06, 2017, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

Thank you for your encouragement.

I don't know if talking about it makes it better. Talking is only talking. I can crave sugar and it will satisfy, but only for a short while. The same with talking.

Some time ago I realized I will never forgive the person that hurt us. If I forgive her, it will make what she did ok. People have done me wrong, and I forgive them. I forgive easy for most things. However, this person broke me and made part of me disappear forever. It was like this woman was not human, and I could see nothing worthwhile in her. Even with my unstable, drug-addicted stepfather, I could see his humanity and forgive him, but this person had no humanity to forgive. Because of that, the rules are different.

We strive not to forget - we even to relive and retell - atrocities committed in war, in history, but we are expected to stop hurting and to forget when atrocities are committed in our personal life.

Being abused feels a lot like a loss - loss of yourself, I guess. I feel like I have been mourning myself for some time. I don't know what else to do. Nothing seems right.

I guess I will need to tolerate both one and two.

I understand what you mean about abuse - I have also been abused.

When you speak of forgiveness you speak of the one in which we are taught "wipe the slate clean and pretend it never happened". We are taught incorrectly.

Forgiveness has to do with saying:
Yep it happened
Yep it changed me
Nope I cant change it

Then you get to decide what action to take after acknowledging that.

Do you want the person in your life still?
If not - do what you need to do to make sure they are not.
Is it something you can bring legal charges up on the person for? If so, do you want to?
If so - go through whatever procedures needed.

What you don't want to do is make a decision for revenge because that just perpetuates the pain.

Forgiveness is so yoi can take back control though - it's not to say "it's okay" and let the other person remain in control.

I had to forgive those who raped me.
The one who tried to molest me.
My dad for making me give my child away.
My stepmom, stepsisters, and dad for varying abuse.
Several exes for abuse.

So yes, I know the pain - but forgive for freedom of yourself, not them.
❤

Sarmas · May 06, 2017, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

There was a lot of abuse in my life when I was growing up. I don't share this with anyone I know. I give hints, but I can't bring myself to talk about it. The only people that know are those that were there for it and saw it. I've mostly gotten past it, but only by avoiding.

I'm afraid if people knew, they would tell me it was a long time ago and not a big deal. That they'd say to get over it. Something that hurts for so long - the look in their eye would render it meaningless.

The other day, I googled my name. I do this every once in a while to see what might pop up. My name is very unique, so there are literally no results that are not about me. Usually it is innocuous things like my name on the honor roll of my high school.

This time - and I have never seen this before - there were court records of a restraining order my mother filed against our abuser decades ago. I lost it.

If you google my name that is on the first page now. Why now? Why is a restraining order from when I was a child, naming me, up there for all to see? I just, I can’t even process it. Who else might have ever googled my name and saw that?

I can’t get away from my past, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could talk to someone, but I don’t want to see anyone’s face if I tell them these things. I don’t want to hear the words come out of my mouth. I can type them, but I can’t say them. I cry too much.

I’m just so tired of it.

Thank you for listening.

I'm also a victim of a abuse for many many years. I think that the first issue we have as victims is enduring the abuse and then dealing years of psychological consequences due to the abuse. The second portion that's difficult is telling our story.

It is very easy for someone else to say that it was in the past and to get over it. The issue is that our past has created a huge impact on our present lives and our future life. The was we react and process things differ due to our past experiences. I know I've felt a need to disclose details and tell my story but unfortunately I've found that not many people are interested in listening and that they don't get the true gist of the hardship that we endure. I guess what makes sense to them it's that it's in the past and therefore we should move on but I know I feel as if I need to process it. That's part of the reason why I started therapy.

Maybe that's something that you can process with a therapist. I haven't had the luck of getting my therapist to listen either. I guess she also falls into that category of its in the past and let's just learn how to move on. This is where I'm at right now. I'm a huge believer that telling your story will be the start of a healing process.

GreenBlueRed · 08:23 PM

You are a strong person, CotM.

I understand what you are saying intellectually, but I cannot reconcile it emotionally. There is a barrier that cannot be crossed. How did you cross it?

Control is a big part of it. You say forgiveness is taking back control. I feel like the lesson I learned was that I will never have control, and any feelings that I do are an illusion. I don't believe the woman that hurt us had control, either. I believe she had a mental illness.

Maybe it would make more sense to say what happened. I don't know if this would be triggering, so this is a heads up in case it is.

Possible trigger:

This woman was abusive to her son, physically and emotionally. My mother and I lived with her and witnessed this abuse daily. My mom tried to get help, but no one believed us that this woman hit her son, locked him in her room for hours and hours, starved him, and called him names and told him he was stupid and worthless.

I was 13 years old, the woman's son was nine. We often hid in the bathroom together when our mothers would fight and scream at each other. They fought all the time, but neither had enough money to leave the apartment. We all originally met in a homeless shelter, and were able to leave by combining our resources.

My mother got fed up one day, after authorities would not help, and confronted this woman about her son. The woman got so angry she attacked my mom and if I hadn't been there to get help from the neighbors she would have killed her. After my mom got out of the hospital, the woman was not at the apartment so we thought she left.

She came back that night, and despite being scared out of my mind I walked up to her and told her to leave. I believed for one instant that I could protect my mother. She laughed in my face and said my mom deserved to die, and she wasn't going anywhere.

My mother was bed ridden for several days. The cops would not help unless my mom put me in protective custody, and she didn't want to leave me with strangers. We slept in my mom's room with the door locked. It felt like we were living with a wild animal that might attack at any moment.

I became so enraged that I plotted to murder this woman for a week, but then decided against it because I didn't want to hurt her son or my mom by doing something so bad. We felt trapped and helpless. The nearest family we had lived over 1000 miles away.

The woman was a paralegal and she fought the restraining order my mom filed. It was months before she finally left. We never were able to stop the abuse to her son. Both my mother and I fell into severe depression that lasted years after living with that woman.

I can pretend it is over in the sense that it is no longer an active threat in our lives. However, I hope it makes sense that forgiveness has no place here. There was never control, never will be, so there is nothing to take back. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't know what mindset I am supposed to have that would free me from this reality, or if it is even right to try.

GreenBlueRed · May 06, 2017, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I'm also a victim of a abuse for many many years. I think that the first issue we have as victims is enduring the abuse and then dealing years of psychological consequences due to the abuse. The second portion that's difficult is telling our story.

It is very easy for someone else to say that it was in the past and to get over it. The issue is that our past has created a huge impact on our present lives and our future life. The was we react and process things differ due to our past experiences. I know I've felt a need to disclose details and tell my story but unfortunately I've found that not many people are interested in listening and that they don't get the true gist of the hardship that we endure. I guess what makes sense to them it's that it's in the past and therefore we should move on but I know I feel as if I need to process it. That's part of the reason why I started therapy.

Maybe that's something that you can process with a therapist. I haven't had the luck of getting my therapist to listen either. I guess she also falls into that category of its in the past and let's just learn how to move on. This is where I'm at right now. I'm a huge believer that telling your story will be the start of a healing process.

I'm sorry, I missed your post earlier. Thank you for your thoughts.

I have not had good luck with therapists, either. I had a lot of therapy but I don't recall talking about experiences. They mostly focused on my behavior problems with OCD and depression. I was young, and didn't know what I needed. I don't know why the bad environment I was in was never discussed.

Sarmas · May 06, 2017, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

I'm sorry, I missed your post earlier. Thank you for your thoughts.

I have not had good luck with therapists, either. I had a lot of therapy but I don't recall talking about experiences. They mostly focused on my behavior problems with OCD and depression. I was young, and didn't know what I needed. I don't know why the bad environment I was in was never discussed.

Have you considered going back to therapy now? It's tough to find a good therapist or to find one that you would address your past experiences. I know I have issues addressingbitbwith mine. She's more geared towards addressing the here and now. She's more focused on my eating and avoidance behavior rather than where that stems from. I feel like if I don't touch on the past then I can't really move forward now. I'm not sur wit she gets that and it's hard for me to explain that to her. I just figured it would be the obvious thing to do but perhaps not. It's also dependent on the type of technique the therapist use. Mine uses mainly psychodynamic and relational but she thinks that there's too much detail and going on in the past and that it's irrelevant. Sadly to say what you need is a therapist that wouldn't agree that processing the past is not irrelevant and that it's beneficial to you making progress.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 06, 2017, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

You are a strong person, CotM.

I understand what you are saying intellectually, but I cannot reconcile it emotionally. There is a barrier that cannot be crossed. How did you cross it?

Control is a big part of it. You say forgiveness is taking back control. I feel like the lesson I learned was that I will never have control, and any feelings that I do are an illusion. I don't believe the woman that hurt us had control, either. I believe she had a mental illness.

Maybe it would make more sense to say what happened. I don't know if this would be triggering, so this is a heads up in case it is.

Possible trigger:

This woman was abusive to her son, physically and emotionally. My mother and I lived with her and witnessed this abuse daily. My mom tried to get help, but no one believed us that this woman hit her son, locked him in her room for hours and hours, starved him, and called him names and told him he was stupid and worthless.

I was 13 years old, the woman's son was nine. We often hid in the bathroom together when our mothers would fight and scream at each other. They fought all the time, but neither had enough money to leave the apartment. We all originally met in a homeless shelter, and were able to leave by combining our resources.

My mother got fed up one day, after authorities would not help, and confronted this woman about her son. The woman got so angry she attacked my mom and if I hadn't been there to get help from the neighbors she would have killed her. After my mom got out of the hospital, the woman was not at the apartment so we thought she left.

She came back that night, and despite being scared out of my mind I walked up to her and told her to leave. I believed for one instant that I could protect my mother. She laughed in my face and said my mom deserved to die, and she wasn't going anywhere.

My mother was bed ridden for several days. The cops would not help unless my mom put me in protective custody, and she didn't want to leave me with strangers. We slept in my mom's room with the door locked. It felt like we were living with a wild animal that might attack at any moment.

I became so enraged that I plotted to murder this woman for a week, but then decided against it because I didn't want to hurt her son or my mom by doing something so bad. We felt trapped and helpless. The nearest family we had lived over 1000 miles away.

The woman was a paralegal and she fought the restraining order my mom filed. It was months before she finally left. We never were able to stop the abuse to her son. Both my mother and I fell into severe depression that lasted years after living with that woman.

I can pretend it is over in the sense that it is no longer an active threat in our lives. However, I hope it makes sense that forgiveness has no place here. There was never control, never will be, so there is nothing to take back. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't know what mindset I am supposed to have that would free me from this reality, or if it is even right to try.

There was control - in the form of fear and helplessness. She didn't have to raise weapons to you, or call you names. What she did is called psychological abuse. You were forced to watch as another suffered and know there was nothing you could do about it. No, she didn't hold your head still or strap you down to make you watch. She didn't threaten your mom to make her stay - but she made her dependant upon her. Your mom needed her money to survive - or at least that was your mom's thinking. That's an abusers control. So yes, there was control.

The forgiveness comes by recognizing exactly what she did to put you and your mom in the mental spots you were in, what your mom did and did not do to protect you and the boy and to get all of you out, the parts you consider yourself to have played (true we are not responsible for abuse, but we all blame ourselves to some degree, so we must also forgive ourselves), and the part you saw the boy playing in the situation (even if it was just enraging his mother further when you tried to help, etc)...after you recognize all of those things - realize how and why each thing changed you... And then tell yourself "ok, I cannot change what happened - it made me who I am now. I can change the parts of me that I dont like now if I want to." then decide which (if any) of those things you want to make changes to in order to make yourself happier - thats where you take back the power.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 06, 2017, 10:02 PM

By the way - you say I am strong.

So are you: you survived. ❤

GreenBlueRed · May 07, 2017, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarmas

Have you considered going back to therapy now? It's tough to find a good therapist or to find one that you would address your past experiences. I know I have issues addressingbitbwith mine. She's more geared towards addressing the here and now. She's more focused on my eating and avoidance behavior rather than where that stems from. I feel like if I don't touch on the past then I can't really move forward now. I'm not sur wit she gets that and it's hard for me to explain that to her. I just figured it would be the obvious thing to do but perhaps not. It's also dependent on the type of technique the therapist use. Mine uses mainly psychodynamic and relational but she thinks that there's too much detail and going on in the past and that it's irrelevant. Sadly to say what you need is a therapist that wouldn't agree that processing the past is not irrelevant and that it's beneficial to you making progress.

Maybe I should look into that. I probably cannot afford it.

My sister in law is a psychologist. She tried to sue one of her patients after she handled a situation with them very poorly, and was extremely judgemental in dealing with someone who was clearly in a bad way already. She snorted and ridiculed this young woman when she did not show up for the hearing. My sister in law is now the manager of the clinic she works for, even after that.

I would have a hard time trusting a professional, unfortunately.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

There was control - in the form of fear and helplessness. She didn't have to raise weapons to you, or call you names. What she did is called psychological abuse. You were forced to watch as another suffered and know there was nothing you could do about it. No, she didn't hold your head still or strap you down to make you watch. She didn't threaten your mom to make her stay - but she made her dependant upon her. Your mom needed her money to survive - or at least that was your mom's thinking. That's an abusers control. So yes, there was control.

The forgiveness comes by recognizing exactly what she did to put you and your mom in the mental spots you were in, what your mom did and did not do to protect you and the boy and to get all of you out, the parts you consider yourself to have played (true we are not responsible for abuse, but we all blame ourselves to some degree, so we must also forgive ourselves), and the part you saw the boy playing in the situation (even if it was just enraging his mother further when you tried to help, etc)...after you recognize all of those things - realize how and why each thing changed you... And then tell yourself "ok, I cannot change what happened - it made me who I am now. I can change the parts of me that I dont like now if I want to." then decide which (if any) of those things you want to make changes to in order to make yourself happier - thats where you take back the power.

This gives me a lot to think about. Thank you.

Thanks to both of you for helping me process this.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 07, 2017, 05:10 PM

You're welcome

lal81 · May 07, 2017, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

There was a lot of abuse in my life when I was growing up. I don't share this with anyone I know. I give hints, but I can't bring myself to talk about it. The only people that know are those that were there for it and saw it. I've mostly gotten past it, but only by avoiding.

I'm afraid if people knew, they would tell me it was a long time ago and not a big deal. That they'd say to get over it. Something that hurts for so long - the look in their eye would render it meaningless.

The other day, I googled my name. I do this every once in a while to see what might pop up. My name is very unique, so there are literally no results that are not about me. Usually it is innocuous things like my name on the honor roll of my high school.

This time - and I have never seen this before - there were court records of a restraining order my mother filed against our abuser decades ago. I lost it.

If you google my name that is on the first page now. Why now? Why is a restraining order from when I was a child, naming me, up there for all to see? I just, I can’t even process it. Who else might have ever googled my name and saw that?

I can’t get away from my past, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could talk to someone, but I don’t want to see anyone’s face if I tell them these things. I don’t want to hear the words come out of my mouth. I can type them, but I can’t say them. I cry too much.

I’m just so tired of it.

Thank you for listening.

I am so sorry that this has happened.

I am the same way when it comes to keeping everything inside. People say that this is a bad thing, and maybe in ways it is. But you can always write your emotions. That is what I do.

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